Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Hey friends. It had been a long time so I just wrote without much thinking. Tell me what you think about it and thanks for those honest reviews
Remember me. When you die I want to be the last face that you think about so that we could meet in the afterlife and…….. stop crying.
This was her wish. Her last wish.
She said it all lying in my lap with my white shirt soaked in her red blood. And my jeans no more the blue black fusion but all red and black.
The white shirt, she gave me that on my 28th birthday and that jeans was my 3rd anniversary gift that she gave and now those things which contained her love for me and her essence now had her blood and tears and pain.
The dreadful and excruciating coincident is that day was our 5th anniversary and…… she died.
Her name was Sam. I really loved her.
I can count the number of times my heart shattered- shattered into pieces when I saw her with my own bare eyes....no this cannot happen . I saw her at the center of pool of blood. I won’t forgive those who did it.
They should have known I will be coming for them and when I would get my hands on them I won’t kill them but torture them in ways that their soul is shred and tored.
Today. They lie in front of me, begging to die for the pain of eyes peeled off and the limbs eaten by rats and then….the salt and acid on those injuries.
The bomb’s planted. I shall die now and I am wearing the same dress that I wore on that day. The same shirt and jeans which witnessed you taking your last breath. And I don’t need to fulfill your last wish because you never got out of my mind Sam. You never did.
I will be meeting you soon. The bomb ticks 5 ,4 , 3 ,2 ,1
I missed you sam…
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello, its me !
First of all, I loved this story it was an amazing piece. I enjoyed reading that and that is the most important thing in my opinion about reading something.
I loved the plot, the story and the characters. This was beautifully written. The theme of this story was very clear. The story had a nice flow to.
Make sure you watch your punctuation. Also when you say "Remember me. When you die I want to be the last face that you think about so that we could meet in the afterlife and…….. stop crying."
You should put quotes around it because even though she is already dead you need quotes around it.
Overall this was a lovely story that I'm glad I read and I can't wait to read more of your work in the future.
Goodbye, have a nice day!
I like the whole idea of the story.
There was some missing punctuation, but it wasn't very noticeable other than the missing speech marks at the beginning. Just add a few commas here and there, and maybe separate some of the longer sentences into two different ones.
That said, the whole story was really good and I actually really loved it. Keep up the good work! ^_^
Hi!
That's what reviews are for! So, it's time 
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I like the idea of this story, but the punctuation and grammar issues made it a little hard to read... But no worries!
Since this was her last wish, and she had actually said it, it should be in "quotations", and you could also italicize it for effect. Although content is a huge part of writing, how the writing looks can also be a big part. (Different punctuation can make a lot of difference in how easy it is to read.)
A few things on this sentence.
1. This is one entire sentence, with only one comma (or breath) in the beginning. Try saying this allowed, only stopping to breathe at the comma, at an average speed. It's hard, isn't it?
2. You use the word "that" 3 times in this sentence. It makes it seem like you're repeating the same thing over and over again, even if you're not. Try taking at least one of them out, and use a synonym in its place.
3. "and that jeans was" even though the "pair of jeans" is singular, 'that' should be 'those', and 'was' should be 'were'. (I won't pester you about other grammar issues in this though, I promise.
Here is another run-on sentence. I would just use the same tips I gave you before.
Other Suggestions:
Go back over this, and check your spelling and grammar just a bit. This has potential to be a really great short story, there are just a few things to be fixed up.
Overall, this is good. If you have any questions on anything I said, feel free to ask me! Keep writing!
~Snazz Pizzazz
"Remember me. When you die I want to be the last face that you think about so that we could meet in the afterlife and…….. stop crying." That hit me in the face, really well done, I really like this work, I'm not really a great reviewer for telling you what to work on but I'm here as well as many others to say good job and continue on the path of writing. Btw did I say I really liked this?
Wow...That was really something, to say the least.
The story itself is very strong. The idea of someone taking revenge on the people that took from them everything they held dear. There is a slight madness to the thought that I think you portray well.
But I have to point out a few things that sort of killed it for me.
The first thing is that you need to watch your tense. For instance, "They should have known I will be coming for them..", is not right. It should be "I would be coming." Also some of the words got jumbled, like, "and that jeans was my 3rd anniversary gift", should be "...those jeans...". Just things that you should look out for in the future.
The only other thing is that I realize that this is a short story, but it lacked a certain amount of emotion in it. I understand that the main character is completely insane with revenge, but that doesn't mean they don't feel. If you were to add just a little bit of what emotions the main character is feeling at the time then I think it would improve this piece dramatically.
It was a good story and a great read. Looking forward to more work from you.
Happy Writing!