Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
..
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
Why did you do this to me? You are so me, cruel even. I am just kidding, that might have been my envy coming out (because I wish I had your writing skills) or I could still be getting over the emotional roller coaster that this story took me on.
I am so impressed with this, I don't even know how to express it. I had so much hope for Lia and then it got crushed. I just thought I would express how amazing I think this is. Wow, just wow.
From the beginning this story made me sad. It made the pain of those with loved ones in the military real. You see all of Lia's thoughts, not just the pain and sadness but the numbness and anger. Creating such a vividly real person isn't always so easy to do.
And I loved this story.
I hate you for making me read this because it made me cry! But I had to read it because it was so riveting. The end was awful. I waited to scroll down because I just knew the knock on the door was a bad omen. How could it not be? I read Lia's words and I cried, right here in study hall.
One thing I wanted to note, I think maybe you have the same problem as me. You can see the plot perfectly and just keep writing quickly to the end, sometimes forgetting you need a middle. The only reason I say this is because some parts just seemed... rushed. Sorry! I don't like criticizing but I hope it helps.
I don't really hate you
This captivated me. I feel so sad, and I kind of didn't want it to end there. I know that was purposeful, but I'm attached now!
I don't really have very much to say about this. I think you write really well, it's entertaining to read, and it has just the right level of emotion. Your protagonist is very believable. She's a solid character.
So, just a few things.
'across from the school at the convenient store'
Just giving you a typo alert, it should be 'convenience store'
'The scene dissipated and when I saw the men in their military uniforms...'
This is just a suggestion, but I think this would sound better as:
The scene dissipated, and when I saw the men in their military uniforms'
Just a suggestion..
'as the white sand around him turned scarlet.'
I'm not sure who you're talking about here, but it sounds like you're talking about all the soldiers, in which case it should be '...around them turned scarlet'
I think this is really good. I liked reading it, it has a few grammar issues, but I think most of those are actually typos. Just keep going over it, you'll be able to pick up spots that need tweaking, and then you'll be able to write the changes in your own voice.