I do not love you as a young lover does, passionately.
To me you are not a flower, nor are you its fragrance.
Your living is certainly never to be compared to wine,
When I think of you I do not think of something beautiful.
You are not the grass in my mind, for grass is everywhere
Your character is not great, and your way not at all lovely.
Your simply not planted in my mind, not like the fern
You are not like the rest of us people, at least not to me.
My mind does not concentrate on you, you are not its goal.
I do not see you as someone I could spend my life with.
You are not someone I would tell secrets to, can't you see?
Your existence is not and never will be tolerated by me.
It is something so much more ...
I love you with something oh so much greater, persistence.
Flowers put on your fragrance only for special occasions.
Wine is not maddening enough, your like something not yet known
My thoughts of you would put beauty to shame, it's unworthy.
Grass is too much a minority to symbolize the virus you are
Your character and way overpower lovely,different leagues by far
Fern's only touch the top layer, your penetration goes deeper
You are to me an alien, too beautify to belong to the known world.
My mind's goal is to be able to focus on something else for once.
I see you as someone I couldn't not spend my life with.
If only you knew my secrets. Your surprise I could not fathom
Your existence is adored by me, no matter what I do,
I have always, now and forever, sincerely, cherished you
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Yea I had that opinion too. I'm trying to redo some of the comparisons and the tree was definitely a turn off to me.
When I first wrote it i didn't have that line "It is something so much more".
I posted it mainly for the hopes that someone would give me a better idea as to how I should make a pivoting point.
If you have any ideas please share them.
Thanks again for the compliments, they inspire me
Those critiques better me so keep them up as well.
Hullo, there!
I think this is a decent place to begin a poem, but in my opinion, it needs some work done.
To begin, don't place emphasis on words that don't need it; the bolded words pull my attention to them, and they just don't need it. So! I'd eliminate those. The poem's a little ranty, almost as if the narrator is angry at someone and needs to get it out here. I guess it's a fair enough thing to do, but the images -- the tree swaying in the wind, it sounds a little odd, because it seems in reverse.
Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of putting images reversely as opposed to the generic comparisons, but here, I'm afraid it's not working too well for me, dear. I think instead of saying you are not this or that, you should clean it up a little and just keep it straightforward. Perhaps throw some other images into it and say that you are that?
It was a little hard to catch onto at first, and as I read through it, I felt that it needed more emphasis on the focal point of this, because there are so many images and O just can't focus too well.
June
Thanks, I'm kind of new to this site and sites in general... I will definitely space between lines. I didn't think of that.
Your comment was greatly appreciated
wow. rather interesting. i began reading it thinking that it was about possibly... hate? but i really like the turning point.
really quite a nice read. i recomend(grammar fail?) that you space out the lines. that would make i much easier to read.
now this, i believe to be my favorite line. its all you'd really have to say to someone to comprohend how much you love whoever this is. it's trully amazing.
sorry i couldn't write more thoroughly, i'm quite awful at this.
-- zoey