I've lived mistakes and fed those takes to other fakes like me, but we're different you
see... I'm Not Free ...I was made to die, the cobwebs overhead; I am hopeless, a blind
man miss-led. I should be dead but I'm stuck here instead. Freedoms are postponed ...
Since I Am Not My Own...I'm the unlucky survivor of servants no wiser than fools
willing to get schooled by their own selfish desires. I'm the lone wolf waiting for the taking of his soul. For the maker to make him whole.
We've all been in that somewhere, I'm there and for those aware I swear to declare what it's like. Let those hear how we have no delight in our strife-filled life. It's
like, "I don't want to fight anymore, Just to walk out this door and soar to a land far away, away from today" we all sway, and we all make a dream, an unreal scheme,
something that may mean something someday. It gets us through our way so we make up little things. Such as, "What would I do if I had wings". Songs, they sing of these
little inklings; all have small meanings. This stops us from killing one another, or even our others. No wonder people are kneeling, well I have a feeling that this poem
will "shut the front door" those foolish thoughts won't come in no more. This question's been asked before, If you had one wish, what would you wish for.
If I Had One Wish
I might wish to start again,
Understand all I now know.
But then I'd reach that point when
New pains would begin to grow.
Maybe I could switch my life,
With a lucky friend I know.
But I'd think on that new strife,
And want still a newer road.
How about to run away,
To have no one who knows me.
But grief would still have its say,
And I'd still have agony.
I guess I'd ask for no aches,
That pain wasn't at all real.
But pressure is often great,
For you need heat to make steel.
I could ask for great wisdom,
Knowledge, money, or a skill.
But that's where conceit comes from,
And strange kinds of evil-will.
I guess I know what I'd seek,
Since all things are better earned.
I'd take pain to be made meek,
And struggle, for lessons learned.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This really hits home for me. I feel the same way a lot of the time. In fact, it's so accurate could you be my long lost twin? Yes a little joke, but I can really relate. Okay, onto the actual critique.
Though the message is great and the poem flows fairly well, at times it feels forced. I think it's the rhyming. I personally hate it because I feel it restricts my writing, but others like it as a guide line or a way to emphasise the message. I say work on the Rhyme or take it out. Read it aloud to yourself, or find someone else to read it for. Who knows, I may be wrong, that's just what I think.
Note: If you'd like to look at a poem with out rhyme, my poem posted is an example you could look at. I'm not all that great, but it may help. Look, don't look, what ever you want to do.
Again I really like it and I love the message that you convey. Over all a well written poem.
~Spades
Woah, this totally blew me away,
I love the prose poetry, even though the rhymes can be a bit artificial, don't get locked in to your rhyme scheme or meter, just let loose a bit.
Try and read it outloud, get perspectives on it.
Overall it's a very sweet and sensitive poem, with a brilliant fall if rather naive.
Love,
Velvet
ps: PM me if you want to discuss it x