Published January 19, 2014
In Quotes
And it happened Sennon, the Erqialúmë, give own light to The Morning Star with the intention of making it brighter than the Sun. Arda, Oron, Pelga, Dalon and Ether, at first did not distrusted Sennon and constituted the mightiest constellation of the sky, Brightbearer, which Sennon envied. Fearful of losing his post of Erqialúmë, he took advantage of the trust of Adon and every day, stealthily, foraged more from Etheric Flame. Sennon was becoming more powerful and even more magnificent than the Starpalace, and decided to take it for himself in secret.
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140,870 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, well this is definitely a pretty interesting concept here to see the stars of the actual universe being personified like they are in this piece, that definitely opens up several rather intriguing possibilities and here and it certainly seems like it could lead to something quite intriguing, so this should be a pretty exciting passage here.
Well, it is hard to tell from where exactly this passage has been extracted from, but it is talking of something to do with a star growing in power and moving places or something along those lines...it almost seems to be speaking of a start that's consuming another star's power to grow stronger or at least that is the gist I get from it here and well, that certainly is a pretty interesting thing to try and imagine there.
At any rate, this is certainly quite intriguing here, and it does make you wonder what could actually be going on here...there does seem to be a bit of betrayal afoot and some sort of stakes here...which definitely gets one's attention. It does seem like this is a story that I would in fact read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello thelanglover! Subtle here for a short review on this extremely short chapter. Since @TedusCloud has already pointed out all of the grammatical mistakes, there is nothing else for me to say on that note. So I will be honest with what you've written here.
When I finished reading this, I have to say I was somewhere between confused and annoyed. First of all, this seems completely flat to me. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but it is true. All I got from this, a tale of perhaps the beginning of something and then, it appears as if you cut it off mid-sentence. I think, you've got a good idea here. Perhaps if you extended it a little bit more, fix your grammar and add in some footnotes for the foreign language. As foreign languages can really put readers off if you just begin your chapter with foreign languages no one knows.
This work is alright, I think you can work with it to make it good. Best of luck in your writing, and I am sorry if I was too harsh.
-S.s
This is very short - there's nothing much to go by way of reviewing. It's quite "Quenta Silmarillion" (even the mention of the word Arda) so I suggest that you steer clear of it becoming a knock off.
Tense mix up here - You started the story off in past simple, so I suggest you continue it in the same way and change it to "gave [his/her] own light"
Another grammatical error here - it's either did not distrust (although that way you have two negatives which isn't ideal) or did not see his action as malicious or something of the sort.
I see what you're trying to do here but it's an unclear sentence. I don't think constituted is the best verb to use here, try something else.
Again, foraged isn't the best verb here, it's unclear what you mean. But if you're going to stick with it, foraged takes the preposition for, so it should be foraged for more from [the] Etheric Flame.
As for story, I can't really comment on it because the passage is so short, I have no idea what all the foreign words mean so I can't tell you much. I can see it taking the shape of a "Fall" story (a la Milton's Paradise Lost or Quenta Silmarillion) but I'd need more before I could help you out there