(I'm still debating an official title. This is what I'm calling it for now. Hope you enjoy the prologue!)
Dr. Harrison Arbour sat patiently at his desk in wait for the knock on his office door.
"Wait for me; I have to discuss something with you," he had been told earlier by Busey. "I'll get there when I can."
He glanced around his office, tapping his fingers on the sienna wooden desktop. The chair in which Harrison sat was a large, black plush one that had come with the room when he first began at Daniels Medical Clinic for Special Needs Children in his thirties. The rest he acquired on his own.
The only items from his home included half the books lined on his shelves from ceiling to floor and a small, framed picture of his daughter, Fae. Taken last summer on their front porch. Just before her mother died. Green-grey eyes and bright smile, her dusty orange hair blowing free in the breeze. Yes, much like her mother.
Harrison sighed, leaning back. She would be starting her junior year of high school today. His little Fae Maddie, sixteen and all grown up...
"Dr. Arbour," Busey opened the door while simultaneously knocking, quite pointlessly, on the wood of the inside.
"Yes, Carl, you warned me of your appointment," Harrison replied in dry humor without hardly moving a muscle. "Come in."
Busey stepped inside and lightly kicked the door closed, seating himself in one of two chairs before Dr. Arbour's desk. He tapped his foot anxiously for a moment before clearing his throat. "...Well, been busy today, 'ave you?"
"Get to it, Carl, you're here for a reason," Harrison cut quickly, trying not to sound peevish.
The rounded, black-haired doctor dabbed at his forehead with his fingers, exhaling.
Harrison swiped a Kleenex from its box on his desk, offering it facetiously to Busey. "Would you like a tissue?"
In all seriousness, Busey declined with the shake of his head. "Harrison...there's been a complaint," he began. This surprised the doctor none. He waited silently. "Some nurses have been talking. They seem...dissatisfied with the..." Busey chose his words carefully, "gradual decline of wellness of one of your patients."
Dr. Arbour couldn't help cocking an eyebrow at Busey's formal description of the matter. "And who might this patient of mine be, Carl?"
Busey took a breath, his eyes glancing only momentarily towards the doctor. "The boy...Delaney, is it?"
Harrison swallowed. He knew now exactly what was being discussed. "Yes. Colin Delaney." Undoubtedly. He'd never gotten better. What brought up the complaints now, of all times? Was he really getting worse? How could one get much worse? That boy was a problem...if he went out of control, it could cost him.
"I'll see to it, Carl."
Harrison stood from his chair and moved towards him, clearly trying to lead him from his seat and to the door.
"But- Dr. Arbour--"
"I can assure you, you won't be hearing any more complaints." He put a wide hand on his back as he began escorting him.
"But sir, I was told--"
"I assure you!"
Harrison tipped his colleague into the hallway and closed the door forcefully, securing the knob tightly.
He turned, gazing across his office, he calmed himself with a breath.
It had to be soon. It had to be productively. Somehow, he would find the resources to fix this boy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, I'm sbf1102, here for a review
First of all, I loved the beginning of the story; the setting and characters in this prologue are described wonderfully. I particularly enjoyed this bit:
"The rounded, black-haired doctor dabbed at his forehead with his fingers, exhaling."
"Rounded" is a word that is not very commonly used to describe a man, but honestly, I adored it. You use your imagery extremely well; I found it quite easy to visualize the situation the doctor is in. However, I would suggest you change "doctor" to "man", since we are already aware that Arbour is a doctor.
There were a few other nitpicks I found, despite the great story you've got going on here.
In the beginning, when you say (and mind me, I LOVE this paragraph but I'm just too picky!):
"He glanced around his office, tapping his fingers on the sienna wooden desktop. The chair in which Harrison sat was a large, black plush one that had come with the room when he first began at Daniels Medical Clinic for Children in his 30's. The rest he acquired on his own."
Not to be offensive or anything, but it is both my and a plethora of other writers' opinion that you shouldn't ever spell a number word (example: "two" as in "2") with the actual number. Sorry, I know I'm being quite deviously picky! Lol. So anyway, it should be like this:
"He glanced around his office, tapping his fingers on the sienna wooden desktop. The chair in which Harrison sat was a large, black plush one that had come with the room when he first began at Daniels Medical Clinic for Children in his [thirties]. The rest he acquired on his own."
I do, however, like your use of providing background knowledge; it both informs us of the character's past and describes the setting further. I love it!
The only other nitpick I found was your use of paragraph separation. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS separate paragraphs for dialogue. Also, paragraph separation represents the separation and building of new and key ideas. Keep that in mind.
Great story, very entertaining!
thanks for the review! could you explain where the dialogue needed to be broken up into a different paragraph? I kept it in the same paragraph if it was the same person speaking, like usual.
I like your title, it sounds old-fashioned and fancy. Keep it like that.
The name you chose for his daughter is so sweet. Is it Fae as in faeries? Or did you just like the name for no particular reason?
"The boy...Delaney, is it?"
Ahhh, now it all makes sense.
I don't have any nitpicks. It's perfectly fine and I look forward to the first chapter.
nah, I was debating making her name Mae or Fae, and I took a poll and Fae won. xD I do enjoy faeries, though. Thanks for the review!
hey and congrats on your work Nightmare!
Ok, so, I really can't find anything I don't like about this. It's interesting, and I'm excited to read more from this. This prologue had my attention the entire time. Good job, dude.
#notspamming
-Rissymay
thanks!
D
#ifinishedtheprologue
#howmanyyearsdidittakeyou
#onlyanightafterigotsomepeaceandquiet