(I would suggest reading the prologue before this. That's all. :) Enjoy.)
"Fae! Fae, wait!"
Fae Madeline Arbour closed her locker and swung her bag over her shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere, Robin."
The sixteen-year-old Arbour girl had successfully survived the first day of her junior year at McCarthy High. Being the only child of a now single father, she didn't have many friends. She never had. Except one girl, a few months younger than her. Preppy and bubbly and very likable. Just a bit...clingy. Robin Hart. Normally, she was someone to talk to in the halls or on the walks home from school.
Fae tried to keep it that way, though deep down she had always longed for a friend to do more with. Share secrets, tells stories, laugh and joke around. Fae did little of these things. Mostly, she buried her head in books. And homework was a nice pastime, too.
"Can I walk home with you?" Robin panted, throwing strands of her dark, curly hair back.
"It's been the same routine for two years now. What do you think?"
Robin thought for a moment. Fae began to get impatient waiting for a reply.
"That means yes."
Robin grinned with a little squeal, tugging Fae along by her bag. The two exited the building together and began the walk home, only a few blocks.
"How was your first day?" Robin initiated conversation as they crossed the parking lot to the sidewalk.
"Fine."
"Do you have any classes with the new guy?"
"The who?"
Robin made a noise recognizing her disappointment in Fae. "There's a new junior! He's super cute. And artsy, too. You've got to have a subject together!"
Fae dismissed the stereotype that she was an 'artsy' person. She was quiet and...different, yes. But that didn't make her an artist. In fact, Fae considered herself lacking in nearly every form of art imaginable.
Except her voice. She could sing, and everyone knew it. Even herself.
"Well, I don't think I do," Fae replied as-a-matter-of-factly.
Robin made a let-down face. "I'll point him out to you tomorrow."
Fae didn't answer. There was, consequently, a brief silence after this.
Brief.
"Are you going to visit your dad today? He's working late, isn't he?"
Fae ran her fingers through her mane of thick auburn hair, considering her options. "...Maybe," she admitted dully. Her relationship with her father had shifted for the worse after her mother died a few months prior.
"I'm sure he'd like that. I can go with you," Robin offered cheerfully.
"No," Fae shook her head immediately, then wondered if she'd just been rude. "Um, no thanks. I won't be long." She turned the corner left at the split instead of right towards home.
Robin herself took that road. "Hope it goes well," she waved slightly.
Fae smiled, genuinely appreciating her kindness. "Bye, Robin."
The girls parted ways.
***
Angeline was a young, dark-skinned nurse at Daniels Medical Clinic for Special Needs Children. She'd known Dr. Harrison Arbour for two years since she had begun her work and knew his daughter Fae quite well from the number of times the girl visited in search of a quiet room to finish homework.
"Good afternoon, Fae Maddie," Angeline beamed when she stepped in.
Fae was surprised to see her today at the front desk. Silently, she admired the thick braid that swept the left side of Angeline's face. She was so beautiful. "Afternoon. Is my dad around?"
"He was in his office... He's a little busy..."
Fae waved this bit of news aside dismissively. "Thanks." She began down the carpeted hallways past the patients' quarters and towards the offices.
What stopped her, though, was a sudden flashing from a small light on a door ahead, and the loud screaming of a beeping alarm.
She covered her ears and froze in shock, her eyes darting around. Fae remembered her father teaching her about this noise. It didn't occur often; it was a different alarm-- a code. It meant that a patient was having risky behavior, had threatened or harmed others...
Someone was loose.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I like that I'm beginning to know Fae's character- what her interests are and stuff. I'd like to know a little more about Robin- appearance, her interests and such. Hopefully it wouldn't take much to add a few details in, if you'd want to
o-o the ending dude. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GIVE SUCH CLIFFHANGER ENDINGS
Final thoughts: More description of the setting would be nice. I like how you described Angeline with the braid in her hair.
The ending seems a little rushed...
So yeah. It was good, kept me interested and entertained. Good job.
Me gusta. Excited to read more.
-rissyroorahSHARK.BAIT.HOOHAHA
danka I shall take these things into consideration
Hey there,
So.... I really like the sound of this story. It is the type of story you could make really funny yet serious. Cannot wait to see where this is headed.
And I really like the way you ended this chapter. Love the suspense.
The story flows really well, which shows you know what you are doing.
All in all amazing job.
Nikki399
thanks much! it's my first attempt at a serious-tone realistic fiction.
I like this story, it was different to most thinks I read, and I really enjoyed it. You sentences were well done, and there was hardly ever a comma out of place. Though I do have a few things that I suggest would work well.
"Good afternoon, Fae Maddie," Angeline beamed when she stepped in.
You said the women Angeline knew Fae well, so I suggest that you trop the last name when she says hello, I know when I say hello to a close friend I only say there first name.
secondly:
Fae didn't answer. There was, consequently, a brief silence after this.
I suggest you don't add those extra comma's, maybe just one if you need to.
Fae didn't answer. There was consequently a brief silence after this.
It just seems a whole lot better.
"He was in his office... He's a little busy..."
I suggest you take out all the dots, they aren't needed.
Being the only child of a now single father, she didn't have many friends. She never had
I suggest that you go more into depth with this, why does she not have friends because she doesn't have a mum, and why didn't she never have friends?
Besides those few problems, this is a very well written story, you keep it flowing well, and there is no spelling mistakes I can see which is good. SO thumbs up!! I hope to read more soon.
Jack
Thanks I'll take these into consideration! To clarify, 'Maddie' is Fae's middle name, so saying both is kind of Angeline's nickname for her. I'll try to explain that in the edit
thanks again!