The light around me was pale, shining faintly in my face behind the clouds. I sat up slowly with a yawn and began taking in my surroundings. Dressed in the light blue nightgown I had gone to sleep in, I examined myself before much else, when I began to realize I had woken up somewhere I was unaware of.
My hand stretched out on the ground. I felt grass between my fingers; lush, dew-dotted blades. I blinked once, and then, as if all at once, things began to settle in. Something wasn't right. This wasn't anywhere I'd been before. No houses were around, no cities or towns. There seemed to be no sign of human life at all. That's not to say it was empty, though. The field was a plain with slight rolling hills in the distance, and tiny mountains seen just beyond that. The clouds looked stringy and let yellowish grey morning light in, hardly enough to even sparkle off the damp grass. I stood and then, to my surprise that I hadn't noticed it earlier, appeared a wall of the densest trees I'd ever seen.
Enormous, they were. Tall, brown trunks and thriving green leaves, the trees were so tightly woven together you'd think someone had bent them like that; like a giant had constructed a properly-sized basket for himself. Hardly a thing could be seen on the inside, and certainly none could enter from here.
"You look lost," a quiet voice startled me from behind.
I turned around frantically and caught my breath. Before me stood a young girl of maybe seven years old. Her face was round and her skin pale; her eyes were a deep sienna brown with even darker, curled hair. Her complexion stood out in the grey light which made the shadows in the crevices of her face and neck contrast and give her expression a soft look. (Her demeanor and color reminded me of my mother's, not like my own sharp expression and fair hair.) The girl's voice was an innocent and breathy one, with the slight trace of an accent unknown to me. This only increased my curiosity and fear as to where I had woken up.
"I am lost," I nodded my reply in just about an equally low volume.
The young girl's eyes met my blue-grey ones and held the gaze. "You come from Sunia, yes?"
I blinked. "Sunia?" There was nowhere I'd ever heard of called Sunia. But I was lost for sane ideas and would not allow myself to think such creative and nonsensical thoughts as the possibilities of being in a...different world. Or anything of the sort. Why would I? The ideas were thrust upon me without reason and I quickly disregarded them.
Stupid, no.
Of course, this was all a dream.
But then there was the possibility of this still being reality, and maybe I had been kidnapped or sold off to some place or...
"I'm from Canterbury," I began wringing my hands together anxiously.
"Canterbury..." the girl pondered aloud. "Is that beyond the boundaries of Nekraht?"
I stared at her for a bit, then rubbed my temples. "No, it's in England," I shakily swallowed a lump in my throat. "The United Kingdom? Surely you know what on Earth I'm talking about."
There was a very long period of silence, and I finally looked up just to make sure the girl was still there. Her face was locked on me as if she had just discovered something incredible, nearly incomprehensible. She inhaled, then grinned a little, and quickly exhaled to compose herself.
"You're her."
"I'm who?" I began to get truly frustrated. I was being given no answers; this little girl wasn't right in the head. Can't she just tell me where I am?! "Look, are your mum or dad around? Can I talk to them?"
"No, Eliant. It's you," she breathed.
"My name is Celest," I snapped angrily. "Can you point me in any direction to civilization?"
"Here, we call you Eliant," the girl ignored my question.
I let my voice catch the slight hint of a nervous laugh in the midst of my exasperation. "You don't know me. You just met me. I'm Celest."
The little girl smiled to herself a genuine smile, looking up at me. "Then, Celest, may I show you to my home?" Nerves shaking, I watched the ground. "You will be safe. I promise," the girl lowered her voice even more. I met her eyes and saw the true concern in them. She took a step forward, outstretching her hand. "My name is Anja, daughter of Suthis of Sunia. Dweller of Faalshire since birth."
Cautiously, I took hold of Anja's hand. "...Faalshire?" was the first thing I uttered.
Her dark eyes locked onto mine and shone like a magic of sorts. "Yes. That," she answered, pointing with a slender finger to the thick wall of trees beside us, "is my home."
I took a breath in. "That forest?" Anja nodded. "Hardly looks like there's an entrance," I muttered my earlier thoughts under my breath.
The small, articulate girl grinned widely and stepped towards the foliage without a word. Opening her palm and holding her spread hand towards the natural wall, she breathed-- no, chanted-- a beautiful sounding phrase.
"En loviste tieran fion- sei larke rein auh!"
The sound of her voice rang pure over all breeze and scutter and shift, and the very presence and power of the words brought an enchanting essence that made the leaves on the tree branches sway. The movement made it seem as if they were actually bending.
But wait...the trees were bending! Right before my eyes, a patch of trees bent over and sideways, and some back, until the tops of the highest branches formed an arc so that there, beneath the draping arms of the willows and oaks, was a pathway.
Anja turned to me. This small child who claimed to know me and know I'm something of importance, who had the power to move hundred-year-old trees and speak them to obey her, smiled gently at me.
"Will you follow me into the Forest?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there, I'm Sounds of Silence.
I haven't been around for awhile, so forgive me if this review isn't the best. I'm pretty rusty. But anyway, let's get started.
This was a very intriguing peace. I actually like how the character is just dropped into the scene and there isn't something built up to it. Her reactions, and the way you word things (I have to agree, you have such a wonderful way with words), were not a turn off. It was all straight and to the point, while making your reader want more.
The atmosphere you create is definitely what you want -magical and engaging. There is a sense of mystery here, and it makes you want to know why she was chosen, and even learn more about the rest of the world.
I will definitely have to check out the rest of the novel.
Hey,
Nice story!
From my point of view, I guess you had some experience in writing before this. I like your descriptions, sometimes it's really hard to find the right words (at least for me), but in your case, it seems like you do it quite well (and i haven't even heard of some words you used). I think that descriptions are almost as important as the main plot.
The story as itself, Is ok so far, but i think it has the "chosen one" cliché, but that's not a big deal.
I think that you described Celest's thoughts quite realistically, when the thoughts of another world come to her, I guess I would be the same.
And, I'm interested, about the language, that Anja spoke, did you just make up the sentence and gave it a meaning, or did you actually work on the grammar a bit?
This is a great beginning to Forestlore... you use descriptive words, but not good description... to explain that better, it's like a really good word will pop up sometimes like "sienna brown", but then the rest is just kind of... bleh. My problem with this is mainly in the second paragraph. Don't just describe the hills as "slightly rolling"- describe them with emotion... like we talk about in English, use strong adjectives... like lazily or lofty or something. Use emotion to make the scene come to life through your words. Similes and metaphors are awesome for this!
I also think you need to make this forest special- unlike any other fictional forest ever, which is a hard thing to do. Give it some sort of quality and characteristic that makes the reader love everything about it, since the whole thing is about the freaking forest! (Right? It's called "Forestlore"- I'd assume so.) Don't just describe it as "dense."
Well that's plenty enough about that. Here's some nitpicky things that I loved and didn't love as much:
1. I loved the description of "lush, dew-dotted blades"; it really gives me a good visual.
2. (Her demeanor and color reminded me of my mother's, not like my own sharp expression and fair hair.)- I didn't like the parenthesis of this sentence and I don't think you need them. The use of parenthesis seems slightly unprofessional to me somehow. Maybe that's just weird me.
3. "You come from Sunia, yes?"- I just love it characters say "yes" at the end of their sentences like this. I don't know why, but after reading Legend and Prodigy by Marie Lu, in which the main character, Day, says that a lot, I began to love it so much. It's a very nice touch.
4. "Here, we call you Eliant," the girl ignored my question and continued with her blabbering.- "continued with her blabbering"? She wasn't blabbering at all... you need to change this sentence.
5. "En loviste tieran fion- sei larke rein auh!"- Love this... this language or whatever it is makes the story much more enchanting and magical.
6. The ending to the chapter is strange and mysterious and makes me want to read more of it! I love it.
So yeah. Great story. Interesting...
I am curious.
-rissymay
thanks. as for the minimal description of the forest, I intentionally did that; i didn't want to draw too much attention to it to begin with- it's not an incredible world from the outside, the mystery lies within it. and i guess i couldn't find a better word than 'blabbering' in that one sentence; Celest wants answers and in her moment of exasperation anything contrary to answers she considered 'blabbering'. plus she didn't understand what the heck Anja was talking about. but i will try to find a different word. and yes i tend to have certain paragraphs of fantastical description and then focus on dialogue or emotion or whatever and get lazy XD
Hello hi yes
you use a lot of pretty words in this like 'deep sienna brown' and 'enchanting essence', all very pretty words good job kudos to you and all that.
Pretty words aren't all there is to a story, however, and I think maybe I should be introduced to the story part before the pretty description. There is a story in here, I can see it, and it is also very pretty. I'd emphasize that.
The first example that pops into my mind is to focus immediately on Celest/Eliant's (these names are /so pretty/) fear at being plopped into an unknown nowhere with a little girl that displays better vocabulary than I have telling her she's not who she thinks she is and so forth. A good trick I've picked up is to taint the landscape around the pov character with their emotions. So, a terrified person will see a place differently compared to a confident and relaxed person. Now, the landscape around Celest seems a bit too idyllic, but it can be done. Instead of lush rolling hills, perhaps she'd see it as desolate and bleak. The trees could be frightening and ominous, instead of simply dense. The little girl could be something out of a horror movie, like the exorcist, as opposed to beautiful and ethereal.
These examples are better than the chapter telling me she's 'frightened' 'confused' or 'impatient' because they're less vague. By reading her frightening description of the place, it's more likely I'll be frightened, as opposed to simply being told she's frightened.
Suddenly finding yourself alone in a strange place with no human life is a pretty powerful scenario. Even the most carefree, happy-go-lucky suicidal person will have at least a few seconds of doubt before following a stranger into dark woods. I'd play up on that visceral feeling. That'd make a really strong start to a novel. Visceral fear is fear we can all, as humans, relate to.
I look forward to reading more. Hope this helped
-Ita
thanks so much! the preview I published earlier is darker (if you haven't read it; it'll explain a little more), as opposed to this chapter; i know it's a lot different. I'll take into account describing things differently, but I definitely want to keep the aspect of beauty in this case.
I appreciate the review!
-TheIronNovelist
*whisper* I agree with Judas's review and I think that very good points were made and I'm gonna use that in my own writing thanks bye
-rissymay
This a really good story.