Note: I think this is my first attempt at a romantic story. I thought of this idea and wanted to try it out... it might not work. I'm usually not the romantic type of person so let's see how this turns out. Please read until the end to understand!
He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.
With each petal that falls I feel a force digging deeper inside me, creating an empty void where my heart used to lie.
I am Daisy, and I am slowly falling apart.
I haven't seen the sun for so many days now. Sometimes I wonder whether it's the light from my body fading away while the rays outside are still beaming. I don't even know. Part of me feels numb, no water tickling down my veins to keep me alive, to bring back that thrill and happiness I used to feel when he first met me. Does he even remember that day? Does he ever think about the green meadow reflecting the cherry blossom's pink which lay above us? When he looks up at the sky, does he remember how there was no grey to sadden the blue as there is now? I bet he doesn't. I bet he never thinks of the bird's four note tune playing in the background as if it were a movie soundtrack. That sweet yet sour melody, so high it pierced my heartcleft and left me thinking whether it was the harmony or Cupid's arrow leaving its fateful mark. I bet he never thinks of that.
But I do.
I wish I didn't.
There is a mirror in front of me, embroidered with a golden and antique frame. Inside it there is a ghost. It's the ghost of a broken heart. The ghost of a happy soul who lost it all for unrequited love. I see myself drowning in a pool of tears, the salt burning my olive skin, pricking almost like thorns. My white dress is ripped to shreds, pieces of it covering the floor below me like autumn leaves laid on the ground which have lost all of their colour. The blonde aura has permanently abandoned my body, unlike hers.
She gleams as if a stolen sunshine were trapped inside her eyes. That curve on her lips which fades away only to kiss him. Her fiery red curls swaying down her shoulder waiting to be tucked away by his hands. She is beautiful while I am so simple. Yet she is not a goddess, her crooked nose and short stature left to emphasize her humanity.
Oh, what I would do to be that hand carressing his clenched tight jaw. Those shining eyes looking into his every morning. Those interlocking fingers which sway together from side to side as if vines in the jungle.
But I am not, and I never will be.
For I am just a daisy, in love with a man who will never even know I exist, slowly sinking into this tear-filled vase, rotting away until they replace me with a new one.
He loves me. He loves me not.
I sing as the last two petals fall from my white dress.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey! You just reviewed my work, so I wanted to return the favour. And I'm so glad I did.
I'm not just flattering you when I say - this is the best chunk of words I've read since I joined yws. I may have joined three days ago, but never mind that.
This is a line I know will stay in my memory for a long time: ''When he looks up at the sky, does he remember how there was no grey to sadden the blue as there is now?''. The ''grey that saddens the blue''. It's fantastic.
I know the point of this piece is falling apart due to unrequited love, so the man that isn't reciprocating love isn't that important, but if you'll ever expand this work, maybe you could describe his personality, not just his looks. What made her fall in love with him?
A tiny complaint, and this is just out of my personal fondness for unseen metaphors. ''I see myself drowning in a pool of tears'' seems kind of used.
From what I've seen people change a lot in high school and really form their personality.You are extremely talented and I really want to see how you'll progress.
Moment
OH MY GOD, HE TOTALLY PICKED HER FOR THE RED-HEADED ACTUAL WOMAN. OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO SAD.
Okay, sorry. Like almost right from the beginning (like the first long paragraph), I was like, "IS SHE AN ACTUAL DAISY? I bet she's an actual daisy" and I got very excited about that.
And then I read the last bit and I was like, "OH MY GOD SO SAD NO." Which is actually a good thing because it means I was fangirling somewhat.
I just have two things.
The first one is a nitpick. When you say "a man who will never even know I exist"--obviously he does know, because he is the one who picked Daisy and put her in the vase. So maybe just "who has forgotten I exist" or "who will never think of me as anything but a flower" or something like that.
The other one is, I want to see a little of Daisy falling in love with him. Like obviously we see a little bit of that day--we know they were in the meadow, and the sun was shining, and there were birds calling. But I want to see more details of him. I want to see what he looks like. How he noticed Daisy--why he picked her, out of all the other flowers that may have been around. What it felt like when he picked her. Did it hurt (but she didn't care because it was love at first sight)? Was it painless? Was she excited because she thought he loved her, but then when he got home he showed her to his girlfriend/wife/whoever and put her in a vase? How did Daisy feel about that?
I think this story could be expanded upon--still a short story, but a longer short story, because it could give us details that might answer some of the above questions. So if you do decide to lengthen this, pretty please let me know so I can read the updated version. Because this was such a cool idea and I want to see more.
(More, I tell you! More, MORE!)
Blue
hi!
I'm like infinity and beyond sorry it took me sooooo long to answer. My only excuse is that I read and reread your review and tried my best to change my story.
Daisy (updated)
here's the link, hope you give it a look!
thank you so much!
Checking it out momentarily!
Timmy here for a quick review!!
I read as I review, so nitpicks first!
Nitpicks
My only final nitpick would be that I was slightly confused for a moment. I had to read this twice in order to understand it fully. First of all, I was confused when you started talking about the other daisy that the guy daisy liked... I thought you had switched characters or something. I had to read it over to get what you were saying. Perhaps there is a way for you to add an extra sentence or something to make it more apparent that you are talking about a different daisy or something? Perhaps I am the only one confused by it, though. Sometimes hat happens.
Faving time and style
Throughout the entire time I read this piece, I was in amazement. Why? Because you took something so ordinary, a daisy in a vase, and made it seem so special. You gave the flower a voice of her own and it was amazing.
With another piece, I might have complained that the length was a little short, but I think this one had perfect length. I don't think you needed to state anything else or describe anything else... Just how much you described and told about her was perfect for what this story needed...
This will definitely get a like from me! I just love how you took the ordinary thing of a daisy dying in a vase and turned it into something so different. Something more. I love how you kind of held us in suspense and left the story in a shadow of mystery until the last few sentences, when you tell us that she has been picked and is in a vase... I love how you go through and do the whole petals falling... That was an amazing addition!
I could go raving about this for a while, but it would seem rather redundant after a while, so I will leave you with what I have here!
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi Darth Timmyjake! (haha is he like the evil twin brother or something?)
Thank you for the review, I will immediately change those errors and thank you so much for the star!
About the confusion, (I thought there would be some with this piece) sorry I'm not quite sure if I understood what you meant but... at a certain point I describe another girl with red hair etc, she is actually not a flower, she's the girl the man daisy loves, loves. If that makes sense... hahah
Thanks again!
OHHH.... So you mean an actual person, then? That does make sense now.