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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Why does that bug you?
When you begin, we're not sure who the narrator is. As the poem develops, you learn about the narrator, etc.
I guess what really bugs me is the lack of parallelism. You go from saying "I am" to "I am not." It sounds awkward...
Hmmm.....I.......
Hmmmmmmmm.
I really liked this, for it reminded me of the time high-schoolers came to our school and read their poetry... VERY DEEP
ANYWHO
STANZAS!!!
I can't tell you how many times I've seen a very good piece found not to be very good because of bad organization!
Without stanzas, it's hard to read and hard to follow, like reading a school assignment.
That's all I can think of... TATA!
I can't do titles lol
Oh well...
I agree that it is a bit messy, but to a certain extent it it supposed to be...read the first couple of lines.
I sound like eminem...? Right. Great guy, but a bit of a whinger, so I'd don't like that comparison!!! But thanks anyway!!! x Snoink...I'm not entirely sure what you mean by me 'loving' knives and cutting etc....? Care to elaborate?
I personally liked the last line. However I have to disagree, titles are relevant. An unnamed poem is like an unnamed baby. Or so I've been told.
Are you a great listener of Eminem, because I was reading it aloud and it sounded so much like him.
I think the lyrics were a mixture of many things all meshed up together, but that was quite interesting.
It was interesting. The first line grabbed me.
I didn't think these meshed in with the poem well:
I'm just a dreamer, living in the land of the dead,
I'm not not a believer, I am a deceiver.
I think it's because, at this point, we're not sure that you love knives and cutting, etc., so it ends up giving the reader a "huh?" feeling.
Thanks for the suggestions, emoition less, I'll take it on board! O:)
<big puppy dog eyes...>
Anyone else care to comment? Or is it really not worth it????
I don't really have a suggestion for the last line, but...
I thought this was all right, but too rushed. Maybe you could organize it better so that it wouldn't just be reading through a bunch of words. There were some good phrases that I caught, but it was hard to tell because it was hard to read.