Screams fill my mind
Anger rushes through my veins
Guilt gnaws its way to my soul
Yet I am not the one in pain
I feel the resistance
I feel Death
I feel the sickness
Yet I am not its breath
I do not know where I am going
Something else is overpowering
I am not in control
Yet I am not cowarding
I will fight to the end
With an invisible enemy
Sane or not sane
I will find out a way
This doesn't make perfect sense I know. any ways to make it better?
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I'll agree with dannyr122. As far as grammar goes, the poem is excellent. Punctuation is not an issue because it's poetry; artistic license rules out comma and period usage
But the "Invisible Enemy" is given no depth. Although the words rhyme and sound mystical when read, they're hollow.
I would say "into my soul" instead here.
Anyways, just explain a little more detail on what exactly you're wanting the reader to feel as they see this. Hope that helped some
I wrote a poem called 'A Monster, A Fiend,;' which I almost titled the same thing as this. Weird?
Anyway, I also wondered if you were talking about OCD... I have it, and this poem seems to depict it perfectly... If you are wondering what in the heck I'm talking about, look in my portfolio at 'a monster, a fiend.' That will clear up a few things. So if you have no idea what you are talking about in this poem, it seems to fit the viewpoint of a person with OCD or... Okay, I know you're gonna be mad at me, but it also seems to fit the viewpoint of somebody who killed a person but while insane. Like they're telling the disease that makes them insane that they're not going to submit to being out of touch with reality. Does that make sense?
I've thought a bit about the killing-while-insane scenario (I especially felt that indication at the line that talked about 'Death.') because I wrote a mystery based on the situation. Anyway, those are my suggestions/guesses as to a possible subject. PM me if you want to about this poem. I really enjoyed reading it, and would like to help you make it better!
--Voxina
The first thing to do is explain what you are actually talking about in the poem.
What is the invisible enemy and what are you trying to say.
The poem itself is flawless in my eyes but it has no meaning. The sentences are fluent and gramatically correct but they don't mean anything.
What is the poem about?
What are you trying to say in the poem?
Explain this and tell us this and it would be a great poem.
After reading the first four lines i though it was going to be great and that a witty ending explaining it was coming but it never came!
Add meaning to the poem. make a good poem a great poem.
Hope i was helpful.
Dan