The day Atara was almost destroyed, the people celebrated.
When the fires extended themselves towards Heaven and engulfed the world in flames, the people cheered.
When greenery wrapped itself around the world, and animals ran wild and mad through the streets, the people cheered.
When the air threatened to tear the world apart, fling people and buildings into the sky like a child throws toys, the people cheered.
And when the waves rose higher than the Albas mountains, and attempted to douse the world, the people cheered.
Celebrations were thrown, and prayers of thanks were sung to the Gods. The people danced, and laughed, and smiled until their cheeks hurt, tears of joy escaping their eyes and dribbling down their cheeks. It seemed the entire world was encased in ecstasy.
And somewhere, tucked away in their cradles, lay four babies, two boys and two girls, completely ignorant of the world they inhabited, of the celebrations they inspired, of the destruction they had caused, and of the destiny that lay before them.
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Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey there. Kanome here with a review. Let's get started, shall we?
Sentence Structure:
I believe this sentence should be revised. I don't know why but the way it was written, it doesn't sound right when it's read aloud. Maybe try using this:
When greenery wrapped around itself around the world; when animals ran wild and mad through the streets, the people cheered.
Same with this one. I don't know why but the sentence doesn't sound right to me. Maybe this:
And when the waves rose higher than the Albas mountains, attempting to douse the world, the people cheered.
Overall:
Overall, great start of the story so far. I like how the story started with what has happened during the course the world being in destruction. The ending was also pretty good. You introduced, what I am assuming, the main characters of the story. Even though the prologue was short, it did keep me hooked. I do see you posted the first chapter as well. I can't wait to read about your characters and the aftermath of the world's destruction.
Keep up the great work. Keep writing! And be sure to tag me in future chapters. I would love to read this story to the end.
-Kanome
Hey there!
First off, I like a classic fantasy story, so I’d love to be able to delve deeper into a new one. However, there’s a few things I don’t especially like in this prologue.
To begin with, this doesn’t give much information to the reader about the type of story they’re going to read, besides that there’s four main characters. Eventually. But,, the rest, with the people celebrating their world was ending, doesn’t make much sense.
I’d love to see more background information on why the people of Atara are happy with potentially dying. I think a good way of getting your reader more emotionally connected or at least more understanding would be to have a personal account by a minor character.
If the reader could see from a celebratory view of the world ending, then they could glean some knowledge and insight of this newly created world and possibly their religion. By including “Heaven” and not such as “the Heavens” alongside “the Gods” you’ve got me a little thrown, but I’ll figure it out eventually. I hope.
Continuing on, I’d love any sort of insight into at least the geographical features of Atara. Is it big? Small? Closer to the size of Russia, or Germany? Also, is it warm there? Cold? Windy? Elevated? I’d love to know more about what goes into this place, since that could also give more information on what motivates the people and their created religion.
One more thing I’d like to discuss is the length. It’s pretty short, I have to admit. I get that you didn’t just want to open your novel on a random note, but starting it with this doesn’t really draw me in. I’d rather you put the very last paragraph in the form of a prophecy or something, and open the first chapter, instead. It’d be interesting to see how that would with a little formatting, like centering.
Overall, I like the idea of this novel, but I don’t think that this prologue really helps draw attention to your story. Good luck with future writing, and I hope this helped!
HOI, GeekyGirl Here to do... Whatever I am going to do
It may not end up being very long, but here we go:
"The day Atara was almost destroyed, the people celebrated.."
I would have put what Atara is. People like my sister would read it and be like"Huh??"
" And somewhere, tucked away in their cradles, lay four babies, two boys and two girls, completely ignorant of the world they inhabited, of the celebrations they inspired, of the destruction they had caused, and of the destiny that lay before them. "
And what does this mean? Does it carry in the next part???? I just what to know because I like this so far.
This is a great beginning, I am going to read on.