z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Elementals of Atara- Chapter One (Finian)

by thedumbbrunette00


*Eighteen Years After Prologue*

For Finian, focusing had never been easy. It seemed as though his mind were being pulled in a million different directions always, following a thousand different thoughts, a thousand different dreams and ideas that swirled within him and took occupancy in his brain. It had always been this way, and Finian had grown accustomed to his lack of attention span, acknowledging it as one of the very few faults in his character.

However, the simple knowing of this trait did not make it vanish. Tasks, such as the one he struggled to complete now, still remained a chore.

“Are you still at it?” his younger sister, Tamsin, implored, shattering what little grasp he had on his attention“I finished thirty minutes ago!”

“Well then, will you shut up and let me?” he snapped, turning back to the stone that sat before him.

“Why is it taking you so long?” Tamsin asked, “I thought this was supposed to be easy for you.”

Finian eyed the polished granite with disdain.

In truth, the task was supposed to be a simple one. The tutor had assigned both him and his sister to coerce a stalk of Ivy to push up and grow through the stone, yet, despite his attempting for the past hour, he had still failed to even make the smallest of cracks within the rock.

“How long do you think it’ll take?” Tamsin asked.

Finian shrugged, “I’m not sure,” he said.

Tamsin flopped onto her stomach so she mimicked the position he was in and surveyed the rock herself, her delicate features scrunching up in confusion as she searched for any reason for his lack of progress. He could practically hear her thoughts.

Is his stone stronger than mine?

Is it a weaker plant type?

“Do you want me to help you?” she whispered softly, her gaze not leaving the rock for a moment.

He nodded, not willing to spend a minute more on the seemingly impossible job, “please,” he spoke.

Tamsin didn’t respond, instead, he watched as vines wrapped themselves around the granite, effectively holding it in place as she forced the stalk through, a large cracking noise sounding as the ivy shattered the stone, sending small chunks flying through the air while two larger remnants remained surrounding the fragile stalk like a fortress wall.

Tamsin let out an exhale and the rigidity faded from her muscles, the task only taking her a matter of seconds making his attempt feeble in comparison.

A wave of envy and jealousy ran over him.

It just wasn’t fair, he was supposed to be the warrior, the great Earth elemental, not Tamsin, who, at seven years old, was little more than a toddler still curiously poking at the world around her, and yet, she had mastered and tempered her magic far beyond him, his last show of great strength being almost nineteen years ago when he was born.

And even then, his power had been overshadowed by the three others placed on display during the day; the fire elemental reducing thirty acres of land into ash, the air elemental flinging half the city of Atlardona into the sky, and the water elemental drowning countless in a gargantuan wave that some said stretched higher than the Heavens, and what had he done? Suffocated a few cities with foliage? Pathetic.

“Do you think the Air elemental can play with the clouds?” Tamsin asked, snapping his thoughts back to the present.

She had rolled over onto her back and was now gazing up at the blue sky like she had not a care in the world.

Joining her on his back, Finian gazed up at the blue sky, a few puffy, white clouds floating lazily by. When he was a child he and some other children had often made a game of watching the clouds, trying to decide what they looked like and seeing who could come up with the funniest comparison.

How simple those times had been.

He yearned for the ability to go back in time when he had been Tamsin’s age and the most important things in his life had been fun and mischief, and greatness seemed to lie just out of reach.

“I’m not sure,” he replied, “either her or the water elemental. I can ask them when I go to Crisand next month.”

Tamsin fell silent.

He knew she hated the idea of him leaving her, even more so the idea of being left out. Everything he did, Tamsin wanted to follow and copy. While it was somewhat annoying, it was also a bit endearing, a little admirer of sorts, who looked to him for everything. The idea of being separated from him from an indefinite amount of time made her anxious.

“I think I should go with you,” Tamsin said, “just in case.”

Finian shook his head, “you can’t,” he replied, “you know the rules.”

“The rules are stupid,” she said, “I’m just as good as you are, you even said I’m better than some of the older kids!”

“Enough, Tam,” Finian snapped, “just stop it!”

They sat in silence for a few moments, as the words between them stewed, and with each passing moment, Finian knew he was wrong to snap at her, however, he didn’t truly feel the guilt of his actions until he heard Tamsin sniffle.

“Damn,” he whispered under his breath.

He sat up and pulled Tamsin against him, letting her cry into his chest for a moment while he gently swayed side to side.

“It’s alright,” he soothed, “it’s alright.”

“No it’s not,” Tamsin said, “you’ll leave me and then I’ll be all alone!”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said, pulling back to look her in the face, “it’ll only be for a few weeks…”

“I don’t want you to go at all!” she protested, “I’ll miss you!”

Suddenly, an idea sprung to his mind and he reached over, grabbing the two stones that Tamsin had cracked the ivy through.

“Do you see these stones?” he asked, holding them up.

She nodded.

Taking one stone, he pressed it into his little sister’s palm, keeping the other for himself.

“Whenever you get sad, or you miss me, all you have to do is rub the stone, and you’ll know that I’m right there with you, alright?” he said.

Tamsin sniffled once more and nodded again, rubbing her eyes with her free hand and resuming her place on Finian’s lap, her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat like it was her favorite song.

And there, the two sat for the next few moments, embracing and reveling in the day, one of the last days they would spend together before everything changed. 


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51 Reviews


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Mon Mar 19, 2018 6:21 am
Nobunaga wrote a review...



Hello! I read your prologue but didn't comment as it was very short. However, it was one of those rare cases where I felt like the Prologue was necessary for the story. I'm very intrigued to find out why the people were cheering on what seemed to be the destruction of the world. Very interesting so far.

As for your first chapter, I liked it, but I found that there were a few grammatical errors, especially concerning transitions between dialogue and action. For example,

Finian shrugged, “I’m not sure,” he said.


I think there should be a period after "shrugged", not a comma. And here

Finian shook his head, “you can’t,” he replied,


"you" should be capitalized.

There are a few little mistakes like this throughout the work, and I won't bother pointing them all out, but I think a nice slow read through will catch them all. And I hate to even bring this up because I have the exact same problem, but there are a bunch of long sentences here. Often, a whole paragraph will just be one sentence. I didn't really notice how often this happened on the first read through, but one sentence in particular stuck out at me.

It just wasn’t fair, he was supposed to be the warrior, the great Earth elemental, not Tamsin, who, at seven years old, was little more than a toddler still curiously poking at the world around her, and yet, she had mastered and tempered her magic far beyond him, his last show of great strength being almost nineteen years ago when he was born.


Like I said, I have your same problem with long sentences, but I feel like this one could have been broken up at many points. I know it's hard to tell whenever you're writing long like this, which is why it helps to have another eye spot it out. Usually I don't even notice, but this sentence just seems really long winded and clumsy.

Aside from that, I really loved Finian as a main character. I love a good underdog, and he seems so sweet with Tamsin. I saw you mention that there are multiple POVs so I'm excited to see who else will be introduced here. I did enjoy reading this, though. Let me know whenever you decide to post more!




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Thu Mar 08, 2018 6:00 am
keystrings wrote a review...



Hey there!

Since I reviewed the prologue, I figured that I should check out the first chapter, as well! A few things pop out at me here.

First off, I like the little insights into Finian’s character. I can grasp an image of someone that feels inferior? I’ve always liked a humble main character, so I already feel pity for this guy, which is a good thing. Finding a connection can keep the reader engaged in a story, which is something you should always shoot for as a writer.

However, on the other hand, I’m a little confused on what view this story is written from. There are a couple of instances in which you provide some thoughts from Tamsin, which would normally be fine, but I thought this third person with only Finian. If you want to include feelings from multiple characters in one chapter, then that’s fine, but I’d like this written a little more ambiguous, if that makes any sense.

In all honesty, I don’t think you need the header of “Eighteen Years After Prologue.” It’s fine to let your reader do a little inferring and make them think for a second! It’s also unnecessary because Finian includes “almost nineteen years ago” in his thought process. The reader has all the information they need and want at this early moment of a novel.

I have mixed feelings on little kids being in more grown-up novels, as I feel that they are either written too old or too young. Here, Tamsin seems a little brighter than a seven-year-old, but to each their own, I suppose. I myself don’t have younger siblings, so maybe I haven’t been around kids enough to wonder about your portrayal of Finian’s younger sister. Either way, I’d like to recommend that you check over this conversation for any lapses of too constructive quotes, if you want her to be a cute kid.

Overall, I think you’re doing a decent job in establishing this different type of world. However, this chapter is kind of slow. I’d have liked a little more action to happen, especially after all of the destruction that apparently happened in the prologue. I’m sure we’ll get to that eventually, though, which is fine.

Good luck with future writing, and I hope this helped!




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Wed Mar 07, 2018 3:07 pm
anelidefanif wrote a review...



This is a very neat piece.

It incites questions for me though. Why is everything about to change? If it was said there were two girls and two boys in the prologue, why is Finian's sister Tamisin having abilities to cause plants to grow out of the earth?

All around, I think you are doing a very good job of telling this story. Look forward to reading more!

~Aneli Defanif




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Tue Mar 06, 2018 7:21 pm
Bellarke says...



OHHHHHHHMMMYYYYYYYYYYYGOOOOOOOSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I love this so freaking much!!!! There needs to be more and more and more and more. I loved how you added the whats the word... Emphasis! Yes that is the word. You should write more and make this a whole book?

A wait are you??? Because I think that this really should be a whole book. I would read it all and ahhhhhhh looooveeee itttt.






OMG thank you so much! And yes, this is going to be an entire book :)!



Bellarke says...


yay!!!!!!



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Tue Mar 06, 2018 3:28 pm



Hey so this WILL be a series with four POVs so keep up!




Bellarke says...


????




I wish literally anything else I ever said made it into the quote generator.
— CowLogic