Lonely Nights

hey i jsut wanted to start off by saying you should check your work in some places, spelling and punctuation needs correcting as well being put in some places. Anyhow i liked the starting, it was very promising. I like how the few short dialogues are very informative. Also without even describing the character i can get a good image of him from his behaviour which is very good.

However this feels incomplete to me, there is jsut something missing. I know its a short story and all but it just doesn't have that kick of an ending that makes people dread it is just a short story. Right now as it is i am left thinking, okay what's next because there just hasn't been anything big. Part two is where it wnet of course for me, it talks about a completely different thing and i think you should have stuck the to original idea

Hello! I'm speedy, nice story you have there! Now onto reviewing:
It's a good read but there are quiet a few grammatical issues (which could easily be fixed with a bit of editing) and also a few other things that could be fixed. For this review I will mainly be nitpicking at grammatical things.

"I sat alone at the bar drinking a " Roy Rodgers" my friends were sitting in a booth talking to a few girls they met in the dance room."

There should be a comma or a new sentence after "Roy Rodgers" try reading it out loud and it will be easily to spot those little mistakes. In fact reading the whole piece out loud is a good idea because it's easier to spot grammatical errors especially commas.


" hey sam!" fin called out to me. "come meet our new friends"

"hey" should have a capital since it's the start of dialogue, remember this as you have repeated this a few times. Sam should also have a capital because it is a name. One other thing, there could be a comma after me because you continue the speech.


"there were two girls one was a red head (clearly she dyed it) and she seemed to have a really bright personality the other was a shy brunette girl she didn't seem like she was from around here."

It's alright at the moment but this could be a lot better by instead of saying "she seemed to have a bright personality" or she "was shy" it could be a lot more effective if you, as the saying goes, show not tell. For example you could say, "I looked over and saw a girl who was silent staring at her drink with a vale of brown hair covering her face " bad example but you get the point, instead of saying she was just shy. It makes it a lot more interesting for the reader. You could easily put show their personalities into where the other person introduces them and how they react, if they give them a hug, mumble hello or shake their hand etc.

""Sam, I would like you to meet "sarah and Anna""

I'm not to sure why there is an extra speech mark before Sarah, but it's not needed and Sarah has a capital.


" no I'm over that"

" than come out with us", it will be great.

Again there should be capitols at the start of the speech. Than should be then. Than is like milk is better THAN cheese, then is like I will go to the shops then play basketball. Also, I'm not sure why you put the speech marks after us? he's still talking when he's saying "it will be great." so the speech marks should end after the work "great".

"Fin Was always good At planning, things."

say it outloud with a gap where the comma is, does it sound right? not really. The comma shouldn't be placed there, you might also want to work on your placement of commas as they are commonly misused through this piece.

Overall it's a good piece but it need a bit of work, particularly in your dialogue and grammar.

Keep writing!



-Speedy Pencil

Hi, it's me Psudiname, here to give a review. to begin, I think you have potential as a writer, and you certainly came to the right place to fulfill it. you have a pretty good vocabulary, but I think the main things you need to add more of are thoughts and description. I don't necessarily think you should add a bunch of {"This party sucks," he thought.}, and I certainly don't think you should add pointless description like some authors do, but there are ways to really spice up a story, and I think this one has potential. let me show you what I mean.

here is an example of writing without thoughts or description:
Alfred walked to his car. his girlfriend sat in the car and waited for him to start it. he casually remarked about the weather and turned the key in the ignition.

now here it is with description:
Alfred walked to his car, his head still aching from his lack of sleep and deprivation from his usual coffee. as he opened the smooth steel door of his corvet, his radient girlfriend paid him an apprehensive glace. he started the car, enjoying its smooth vibrations as it waited for a command.

now here it is with thoughts:
Alfred was worried as he made his way to the car. his mind was on a hundred different subjects as he entered it and received a worried glance from his girlfriend, which seemed to accent an already urgent situation. "how bout this rain we're having?" he asked, wondering if she saw through his ruse of confidence. he took her silence as a command to start the car, and complied nervously.

see what I mean? just a few added sentences can give a story a whole new feel. none of these paragraphs are perfect, but a fusion of the second and third ones would make the story complete.
I like where you are going with this, and i want to know more about your character, so write a little more and try to really get inside your MC(main character)'s head. think like he does, feel like he does, and pour it out into your writing. I'm excited to read more, and I'd love it if you would private message me when you post next. also a little feedback about what was or wasn't helpful for you in this review would be cool too.
your friend,
---Psudiname