“The stars stopped twinkling, as the light in his eyes faded.”
Discursive yells, disgruntled voices,
screeching through what once was home.
Or was never at all.
Repetitive words, senseless thoughts,
All of which tightens, like a spiraling knot.
Sleepless nights, restless days,
of pliable souls who never gets a say,
in a shattered home.
—t.c.p
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They say that less is more. This is a good example of that. In less than 100 words of poetry, you conveyed complex emotions that one would feel in a dysfunctional home. That's how I would interpret it. Let's break this down one by one.
A striking statement to start the poem and one that perfectly captures the overall emotion and vibe of the poem. Melancholic, light-draining, and simply tragic. I admire how you summed it all into one neat sentence, brief yet succinct.
Everyone deserves to have a place they can call home. Pity those who don't like the narrator here. What tragedy it is for a child to endure these noises. I particularly like how you worded "what once was home or never was at all." It gives us a glimpse at how this person sees the world and it's obvious that their rose-tinted lenses are being removed.
Whether this is from an external or internal source, it has the same effect, albeit in my opinion, it is much more suffocating if it comes from within because it is hard to stop one's thoughts.
The end of the poem is like a mournful cry for the souls who were raised up in a dysfunctional home. And it simply breaks my heart.
Overall, you did a great job with this poem. I would have liked to hear more, but the brevity contributes to the impact of the poem as well. Keep it up!
This is alpacaboss, signing off.
They say that less is more. This is a good example of that. In less than 100 words of poetry, you conveyed complex emotions that one would feel in a dysfunctional home. That's how I would interpret it. Let's break this down one by one.
A striking statement to start the poem and one that perfectly captures the overall emotion and vibe of the poem. Melancholic, light-draining, and simply tragic. I admire how you summed it all into one neat sentence, brief yet succinct.
Everyone deserves to have a place they can call home. Pity those who don't like the narrator here. What tragedy it is for a child to endure these noises. I particularly like how you worded "what once was home or never was at all." It gives us a glimpse at how this person sees the world and it's obvious that their rose-tinted lenses are being removed.
Whether this is from an external or internal source, it has the same effect, albeit in my opinion, it is much more suffocating if it comes from within because it is hard to stop one's thoughts.
The end of the poem is like a mournful cry for the souls who were raised up in a dysfunctional home. And it simply breaks my heart.
Overall, you did a great job with this poem. I would have liked to hear more, but the brevity contributes to the impact of the poem as well. Keep it up!
This is alpacaboss, signing off.
Needed more experience reviewing poems, thanks for posting. On the opposite side of the same coin, I need more experience reviewing poems, so take what I said with a grain of salt!
I'll split this into two sections. My interpretation of this, as flawed as it may be, and then my opinion on this piece as a raw invocation of emotion (What kind of vibe it gets across, basically)
As far as my understanding of the text, I think it could either be a general message of how we as people in this world lose our hope and joy as the stresses and burdens of the world set in on us, or it could more specifically reference the dying happiness of a child within an unhappy home. I lean towards it being a commentary on humanity as a whole. We all have a home on this world, and to many of us a home doesn't even have to refer to a house. But we all also understand how we who were born with innocence and faith can be turned into a more hollow, grim version of ourselves as we grow.
"Discursive yells, disgruntled voices,
screeching through what once was home.
Or was never at all."
I love the last line here. It fits perfectly with the idea that in youth we view the world with rose tinted glasses, but the removal of those glasses doesn't mean things were only bad after we aged/matured. Perhaps things were always bad, but we were too blinded by innocence to see it. And when we witness not only the poor conditions of the world, but the way in which those conditions effect others so much that they only speak in "Discursive yells, disgruntled voices", our empathy causes us to doubt how good our home ever was. After all, how could a home that causes pain for many be good? And if it causes pain for many, won't it also inevitably cause us pain. When other people cause us pain, is that not the same as our home causing us pain, seeing as how many would consider society and our relationships to be a part of our "home", where we belong?
The brilliant thing about poetry is that it's so up to interpretation. That's true of all writing to some degree, but especially this format. So even if I'm totally off on the intended meaning behind this, I still got a lot out of reading it, and that's worth commending.
As for the general vibe, I think you did a wonderful job portraying the loss of innocence and dip into stress and doubt one feels as the home they once loved is ruined for them. I have a lot less to say for this section, mostly because my understanding of the vibe was largely covered in the earlier one. So, yeah, excellent job with that, and nice work with your word choice and tone setting which greatly complimented what I felt this was trying to get across.
Happy Holidays!
Thank yu so much for the encouraging words :3 I was trying to capture the feeling of helplessness kids from problematic family faces, and since they are kids they don%u2019t have a say in matters regarding adults and their issues even though it%u2019s directly or indirectly affecting them, and i absolutely love your interpretation of the first stanza, thank yu again!