The day he saw her
She stood in the light;
a broken mirror of a girl.
Maybe the shards were from
the bullet her father threatened
to dispatch through his head.
Or maybe it was from
the weight of the pills
for her mother’s mind.
But there she lingered,
a rarity among the world.
Fractals of prose were
Scrawled across her skin.
So much beauty.
So much pain.
He saw the way her
fissured image reflected
the beauty of the world,
viewing it from fractured vision;
how she chose to give light.
His fingers dripped with gold,
Midas without the curse.
Blessed were all things
under his light touch.
But the drops stung like the
alcohol on his mother’s breath.
It solidified at the pressure of
his father's words to 'be a man'.
Yet the sunset set aflame everyday
in hopes of reaching the golden
hue he carried in his veins.
His heart pumped the molten liquid.
He sealed some of the cracks.
Together they shook the world.
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140,511 Literary Works • 673,275 Reviews
Heya, Sky! GooseLuck here to do another review for you, so let's take flight, shall we?
The first thing I have to say is I like the story that's going on here, but I do see where it could be improved a bit.
You start your lines with the same basic construct, and I think that you could improve on this a bit. Instead of using compete stops, use something like a hyphen or a comma and improve upon that idea, kind of like an add in imagery piece to add more detail onto the piece you were just describing, and don't use so many derivatives of he she and so, it does get a bit old here and there.
The next thing would to pick a method of capitalization and stick to it, this is strictly preference but your complete stops disrupt the flow and I feel like you could get a lot more out of this just by capitalization and punctuation alone.
The next thing would have to be pick an image and stick to it in a stanza, add on to the original instead of having two different ideas stuck in one, ya know? I find that it could do a lot more to it instead of just having it disrupt itself halfway through, if you get what I'm trying to say on that one.
Overall, though, this is a decent poem and I do think that it does have a lot of potential to become a lot better, but that's up to you.
Anyway, I think that that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, GooseLuck
Hello Remington38 here, pleasure to meet you
I really loved this and all it's imagery. It reminded me of something, somewhere is Asia, a long time ago one of the cultures actually found beauty in cracks on pottery and such and actually filled the cracks with gold. They belived that each crack told a story and added to the beauty and life of the pieces. I connected it to this, because I feel like every crack in her defines her and tells a story, it may not be a good story because it created a crack, but it's still beautiful in its own way. This poem is really beautiful and you are a extremely elegant writer. Never stop writing and I hope you have a wonderful day.
I'm thrilled that you understood the very far off inspiration of repairing Japanese pottery with gold. I was intrigued by that. Thank you for your review. It made my day!
This is a beautiful poem. I love how he sees the light and love in a girl who has been through so much pain and so much darkness. This is a great representation of how beautiful love is and how lovely beauty is. Love is beautifully expressed by how he feels like everything he does is blessed by her. This is a poem worthy of attention.
Woah. Wow. Okay so I like this a lot. I love all of the imagery and how it twists from beauty-- "Midas without the curse" to "But the drops stung." You do a great job of explaining that every part of beauty, and the most wonderful things cause the most pain. To quote Once Upon a Time, "magic, my dear, has a price" and I think you do a great job of capturing that. I'm not too great at reviewing poetry, as I'm not exposed to it as much as I'd like, but I think this is good. Like, really good. Also, maybe mention that boy's father, even if he is absent? Have that play into it as well. You just spoke of the girl's mother and father but not the boy's. So, the girl and the boy are in love? I'm assuming. Also assuming this is told from the boy's perspective, just because most of what is going on is through his eyes and not the girl's. The more I try to analyze this the more I find and cannot put into words. I like this. A lot. Good job
Thank you! I love your suggestions!