Lizzie Munti's Boring Trip To Renmark

Dear Diary,

I swear I have just come back from the BORINGEST place on Earth. At first when Tim asked me to come to Renmark I was like, “Hey this might actually be fun.” (Renee has landed some gig there at a local club). But as soon as we set out there were problems. When we were about to stop in a small town Mrs Barton’s car, Bernie, broke down! Tim and Renee had to push it the last 50 metres or so. It turned out we had ran out of petrol so Mrs Barton went to get some and we got lunch.

Tim gave his Mum a Red Bull just to see the effect it would have on her and she was so giddy she couldn’t drive. She was laughing hysterically at anything and everything people said to her. Because Mrs Barton was in stiches Renee had to take the wheel. Tim and I were annoying her so she’d let Tim drive (he got his licence on his 4th attempt and won’t let us forget it).

We started by pointing dumb things out the window like a saltbush I had adopted and named Frederica and Tim pointed out how cool the red dirt was and could we stop and pick some up? Then he asked if he could change the radio station because listening to white noise was driving him crazy. He put the cherry on top by moaning that we were going to slow and that the ice age was going to beat us there if she didn’t step on it. She stopped in one of the emergency bays and let rip at him with her yelling. Something about him shutting up if he wanted to have children. She pulled him out the car and nearly threw him into the driver’s seat. Mrs Barton was cracking up laughing and I was sitting there, as Rhapsody would call it, observing the chaos.

When we finally got there (after an hour and a half of listening to Tim singing to one of his Green Day CD’s over and over) Mrs Barton (who had finally shaken off the effects of the Red Bull) led us to our cell-like apartment. It was a run-down place that looked like it hadn’t been cleaned since the 1800’s and the room had only supplied two queen size beds, a camp bed, ONE bathroom and a TV from the stone age. Renee, Tim and I stared in horror at the awful room while Mrs Barton chirped that it looked like a lovely place. I sighed and smacked my head and Tim and Renee laughed.

Because Renee’s gig was on Friday and we had arrived on Wednesday Mrs Barton wanted to “see the sights” of Renmark. When Tim pointed out that there were no sights to see in Renmark except that hot chick over there his Mum told him he was walking on eggshells since the Red Bull incident and to mind his mouth or Sera-Beth would find out.

We decided to go out in pairs I went with Tim (on a supposed river walk) and Mrs Barton and Renee were going to some rare book store. When Tim and I were meant to be walking on the river, we got sidetracked by a music store and we were flicking through hundreds of bad CD’s. It was all old stuff and Tim and I made retching noises when I picked up a Bee Gee’s CD like it was something toxic.

After several dirty looks from the shop assistant we got bored and went back to the awful apartment. I flicked to all the channels, including the few Foxtel ones, and found NOTHING to watch. Tim suggested we play a game but knowing him it’d have something to do with dropping a water balloon on the people standing under our balcony. He said who ever can make it down to the pool and dive in the fastest wins. When I argued that I needed time to put my bathers on he shrugged pulled his T-Shirt over his head and said,”3, 2, 1 GO!” I bolted into the bathroom, put my bathers on and ran out the door, down the stairs and dived straight into the pool. I looked up to find Tim running in slow-mo and telling me I could’ve taken my time. He jumped in and we spent the rest of the afternoon there.

For dinner we went to the Renmark Hotel which looked pretty snazzy and very open. When the waiter guy asked what we wanted to drink Mrs Barton said she wanted a Red Bull. And when he left we cracked up laughing. She huffed and mumbled something to do with toddlers. We all ordered lasagne and I individually cut and inspected the pieces before eating them while Renee was just snarfing it down and Tim wasn’t eating. Mrs Barton told Renee to slow down because no-one was going to steal it and that Tim was going to look like a bean pole if he didn’t start eating. I tell you what Diary, for a mother with an almost fully grown son and an adult daughter, she still nagged them ALOT. Tim said the food sucked and that he was gonna wait ‘til dessert. When we did get dessert it was a huge ice-cream sundae with caramel sauce and chopped nuts. Tim stole Renee’s camera out of her bag and took a picture. She snatched it back and told him to buy his own. Then he bet me that I couldn’t finish the sundae. I bet him five bucks that not only would I finish it, but I would finish mine BEFORE him. He agreed and Renee got her phone out and timed us. It tasted nice and I wanted to savour it but, well let’s face it, I’m a competitive girl so I ate it like it was my last meal for a week. I put the last spoonful in my mouth and held up my arms like those wrestling guys on TV do. Tim was close and grumbled as he handed me a five dollar note saying it wasn’t fair because he was competing against a pig and I threw my spoon at him.

Sleeping arrangements would be awkward no matter what as there were only two queen size beds and a small camp bed. Because I was the smallest I got the camp bed which was good except that I couldn’t move without making a huge noise with the springs. Tim was originally going to share with his mother until she insisted she need her own bed (umm…diva much?) so, despite Renee’s protests, he had to share with his sister. Somewhere in the middle of the night, I heard Tim and Renee bickering over each others music coming from their iPods. Renee, being a DJ, loves Electronica and dance music but Tim prefers Alternative Rock and Acoustic. Mrs Barton was out like a light, snoring her little head off but they argued for a couple of minutes she woke up and told them to shut up or no more spending money for the rest of the trip. After I heard them both start snoring I put my own iPod in and played my Panic! At The Disco playlist.

I woke up to Mrs Barton’s yelling voice calling Tim a bloody toddler and various other names I’ll save writing down. Renee told me that Tim used Mrs Barton’s lipstick to write “the T Man was here” on the bathroom mirror. Tim cleaned it off before I saw it but Renee took a picture of it earlier. Now that she didn’t have lipstick Mrs Barton stormed off to the shops to find a new one.

Because Renee and Mrs Barton had found nothing to do yesterday, we were basically stuck at the pool. Tim insisted that Renee came in but she didn’t want to get her, now straightened, hair wet. Instead she sat by the pool sunbaking in her bikini but changed her mind when a bunch of guys walked past her and wolf whistled. She jumped in and said that no-one is allowed to do that. She did moan about her hair later though. I was dive bombing in the so-called “deep end” (which was only about 1.8 metres deep) and trying to soak the pavement but I’m too light so it wasn’t working very well. Tim tried and ended up soaking our towels! He’s really tall so he does have a bit of an advantage but he ended up hitting his but on the bottom of the pool.

We stayed at the pool for a few hours then came back to find Mrs Barton had stocked up on HEAPS and I mean HEAPS of food. And what was even more shocking? It was ALL junk food. We came in to find her singing “Food glorious food!” at first I thought she was drunk but then I noticed the Red Bull can on her bedside cabinet. While Renee and I were checking if she was ok Tim ducked into the one bathroom to have a shower. We both ran to the bathroom door and banged on it telling him to get out so we could get changed first. He sang back that we had to wait like ladies should. I was happy to wait because I wasn’t too cold but Renee grabbed her clothes and went in because she must’ve been freezing because there was a strong breeze coming through the window but we couldn’t reach to close it. I was heard about bit of yelling from Tim and then the door opened and he was thrown out wearing only a towel. I was laughing soooo hard at his face because he went bright red like the colour of a tomato or something. Renee came out and let me into change and Tim finally got his shower.

With all the junk food and Mrs Barton laughing her head off (seriously don’t EVER give that lady caffeine), we were free to eat as much as we liked. I ate nearly the WHOLE block of white chocolate and drank lots of coke and I felt soooo sick afterwards I never want to see a square of chocolate ever again. Renee being smarter than Tim and I (he ate a twelve pack of doughnuts) didn’t eat a thing and was going to get lots of sleep so she could party way into the morning tomorrow. But I felt too sick to sleep so I flicked through the channels on the TV while Mrs Barton was on her “come down” thing and she was getting ready to go to bed too. There was some boring documentary on monkeys so I laid down and watched that for a while. One of the monkeys (and I’m not kidding) behaved almost exactly like Tim would if someone tapped him on the shoulder. I laughed to myself and FINALLY got to sleep.

I was woken up by someone tickling my feet and telling me to wake up otherwise I’d get toilet water on my face. I didn’t want to get up and Tim knew that so he picked me up off my camp bed and threw me onto the big queen bed. I screamed and he laughed and he told me I screamed like a little girl. I noticed that Mrs Barton and Renee had gone and Tim told me they’d gone to organise something fun before Renee’s gig. So in the meantime I had the world’s unhealthiest breakfast of a glass of lemonade, two cream eggs and a doughnut. We hung out for an hour or two, making paper aeroplanes and flying them of the balcony to try and hit other tourists. Final score? Me: 3 Tim: 7. He always makes his planes do fancy tricks too.

Mrs Barton got back and told us she had hired a speed boat for the day so she told us to put our bathers on and she’d drive us down to a dock where it was waiting. When we got there we met Andrew our driver for the day or as Renee called him, our water chauffer, he wasn’t a lot older than her and according to Tim was a pretty boy (Tim has this thing where he hates any guy who is even slightly handsomer than him). Andrew tied two rubber rings to the back of the boat and told me and Renee to get in a ring and the expression on Tim’s face was pricelessly jealous. It was not comfortable in the ring. But I held on for dear life when the boat started and sped down the river. It was soooo fun minus the fact that when we went over the waves it literally was a pain in the butt. After about five minutes of screaming from Renee Andrew stopped so I could get out and Tim could have a turn. Getting out of the ring was hard especially since boats kept coming past and making more waves. I was about to step back on the boat when another wave came a knocked me off balance. Thank God I had my life jacket on other wise that could’ve ended badly. Tim took extra care to give Andrew evils as he was getting in the ring as Andrew was driving Mrs Barton was talking to me (for once) about how grown up I am compared to her son who, she says, is about as mature as a five year old. Andrew pointed out that most teenage boys are like that. Mrs Barton patted his arm and said he wasn’t and that he was a true gentleman. He smiled and went back to steering. After a much shorter turn for Tim, Andrew stopped the boat and asked Mrs Barton if she wanted a shot. She said she’d let Tim have another shot first but then Tim got a message on his phone so he got out and let his mother (who ,indecently, is very active for a fifty year old) and she sat and asked me if it was scary and I shouted back that it was only scary for the first few minutes. We started up again and I asked Tim who it was he told me Sera-Beth was missing him. Andrew asked if Sera-Beth was his girlfriend and Tim did that thing where he goes glassy-eyed and smiles like an idiot when you remind him of Sera-Beth. I told Andrew he’d be like that for a while and I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He fully turned his head and gave me the weird expression I get when I sound like a 15 year old rather than a twelve year old. He turned back to the river and said that he didn’t but he did like the look of Renee. At this Tim snapped out of his little trance and told him that he was talking about the DJ Renay as in the one who lives in Beachcombe for about one or two months a year. The one who notoriously turned down a world class comedian (although Monti is more like a world class idiot). Andrew shut up instantly. Poor guy. I wish Tim hadn’t done that. But I know what happened later so I don’t feel too sad for him. After their turn was over Mrs Barton came back stumbling around like a drunk. She said she felt sick and said Tim and I could have one more shot. From my ring I saw Andrew talking to Renee and I even saw the horrified expression on her face. She screeched “TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!” out so loudly the birds from the trees around us flew off. Andrew stopped the boat and pulled us in. It got worse when we were on the boat. She wasn’t screaming any more. She was flirting with Andrew like mad as we were heading back to the dock. And when we were about to leave she told him to come to the club and he said he couldn’t because it was invite only so Renee dug in her bag for something she pulled out her V.I.P pass and gave it too him and told him to met her behind her decks.

In the car on the way back it felt like I was caught between a pair of five year olds. Tim was paying Renee out for being a flirt and Renee was telling Tim that his girlfriend was no better. Mrs Barton gave me a look I’ll never forget which said “Can you believe those guys?” I laughed and they continued to bicker all the way back to the hotel room. Because the gig was at a nightclub and I was only twelve and Tim was only seventeen we had to have V.I.P passes around our necks but I still got a lot of attention (I’d been to one of Renee’s gigs before at the Big Day Out) I had to look good so Renee dressed me in a short black sparkly dress and I wore my black Converse shoes and I looked hawt! Renee herself was freaking out slightly less than usual (at the Big Day Out it was so bad she very nearly cancelled) and looked very nice in her green tank top and denim shorts. When Tim came out of the bathroom he asked me where the funeral was and did I like his shirt. He was wearing the stupidest looking pineapple Hawaiian shirt he could find and his board shorts. Mrs Barton was the one we had to keep an eye on. She promised she wouldn’t drink any alcohol or energy drinks but I had my doubts about that. She dressed in a long purple dress that didn’t look so bad. But she was acting waaaay younger than she usually did. You know, how old people try to be cool and fail miserably? Yeah that’s exactly what she was doing.

We were driving to the club that was about twenty minutes away Tim was strumming on his guitar singing “♪Oh Andrew if you seek Amy! If you seek Aaaaaamy! ♫” Renee warned him she’d smash it in a second but Tim continued to sing “Oh if you seek Amy Andrew!” I couldn’t help myself and laughed and Tim was practically pissing himself. Renee got REALLY mad and as they were both in the backseat she elbowed him where it hurt the most. He said a word that made his Mum go “Timothy!” and he complained that he needed those. I giggled and he gave me that looked that scared me. He said if I thought it was so funny he’d kick me between the legs and see if it tickles. I shut up then because I don’t like upsetting Tim.

At Northshores (the night club) I helped Renee set up and Tim sulked in the corner and because we where the first ones there Mrs Barton had fun trying her hand at singing (which, Diary you would NOT want to hear) slowly slowly more people started to arrive and finally at 9:30 Renee started the music. Tim (who’d finally got rid of his bad mood) and I were having fun dancing and laughing at Mrs Barton’s bad attempts (she even did the running man at one point) until Tim looked to find Andrew kissing Renee. That’s the reason I didn’t feel sorry for him. I held Tim back from punching Andrew’s lights out when I told him that’s exactly how I felt when Sera-Beth kissed him (which is disgusting by the way. See page 16). Anyway apart from that little minor incident we (or at least I) had fun.

At about three in the morning I must’ve fallen asleep on Tim’s lap because I missed the rest of the party which according to Tim featured Mrs Barton trying her hand at bar tending which as a result led to several broken glasses, Mrs Barton breaking her promise and having a bottle of straight vodka, a fist fight between some teens outside over who got to make a request and (I’m pretty sure this one isn’t true) Tim throwing a glass of water on Andrew as he walked to the toilets. I got changed out of my party clothes (which for some odd reason smelt like barbeque) and into a sundress. Renee was nowhere in sight but Mrs Barton said Renee had rung earlier and she spent the night at some after party. Tim and I watched SpongeBob for a while but then Tim fell asleep! Mrs Barton told me that was the result of partying like her headache. Just we where about to call Renee she came bursting in with what she called “the best news EVER”. We all assumed that Andrew lived in the Riverland but he actually lived in Manna (the next town over from Beachcombe) and that this was only his holiday job between Uni and then the news that made Tim go berserk in the car…

Andrew was officially her boyfriend!

On the way back to Beachcombe we stopped at a place called the Almond Hut where we bought some milk chocolate almonds and some dark chocolate almonds and Mrs Barton bought herself an Almond Hut hat (which she wore the rest of the way home). When she let Tim drive and she fell asleep in the backseat Tim and I ate all of the almonds (Renee kept texting back and forwards to Andrew). What? Don’t look at me like that! Tim left an apology in the empty bag. Jeez. Then we stopped at a massive orange and Renee took a picture of me standing next to it. Then finally, after a 5 hour drive we were home.

Well Diary here I am back to square one. Writing about my trip to the boringest place on earth but now that I think about it I figure it’s not so bad and I might actually go back there one day but only if Tim and Renee come too! They were the most entertaining thing there!

The End