Published January 4, 2009
I have not been spited,
That I believe
But somebody must be playing a cruel joke
As everything comes crashing down
And I look up to the sky
And think of every wrong
I ever did
I believe everything I did
Came with a consequence
So what did I do?
To deserve such Punishment
I look Up to the sky
And close my eyes in anguish
And the answer comes to mind.
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
The freedom of form you used here is interesting; it helps your words flow better and the poem stays clean-cut without being interrupted by a break. The concept of looking up to the sky is particularly moving, and I like the imagry I get from this poem.
Very nice work.
This poem is really deep and dark and very very true
The pain sounds so real, it's very emotional
But if you got rid of the big spacing it would create a better flow of the poem and make it so you didn't have to scroll down the page to keep on reading it
It would make your reader fixed on it, and less displaced
But other than that, it's great
Keep it up
I absolutely loved this poem! You not once used the word God, or Higher Power, or fate or karma or any of those, yet you gave us a sense of it.
The punctuation seems a little off.
Nothing personal, but I disagree. I like that you didn't provide us with an answer, that way it gets us thinking, leaves a powerful thought in our minds that ripples for a while instead of dying just as the poem is finished.
Just brush up on the punctuation and add a dash of imagery and you're good to go!
-Zehra.
I really like this poem. It's free verse and you know how some free verse poems go really overboard with vocabulary to make it sound rather deep? Well, this one isn't like that. It's simple language used brilliantly that in the end achieves a really dark aura about your poem.
Now that is odd, I totally relate to this poem, hell, ive thought this every day of my life for teh last about 2 years.
sometimes I think that "God" hates me (ironic, I know, but considering what I call myself, I really can't blame him)
and at other times, i think "God" has a really twisted sense of humor, i mean seriously, look at Giraffes, like, what in the world was he on when he did that?
but what you left out, was the answer... thats not a bad way to hook your audience, but you need to give them somehting to follow up with, now i'm just needlessly curious.
Every action has a consequence, every wrong you commit, every movement you make, to you, an ant crushed beneath your foot is hardly noticeable, but dont you think that ant says
"what did I ever do to deserve this?"
probably not, but you get my point.
good work, I think.
Peace,
God.
This is really one dark poem. You get the feeling through, the last line works well as a punch line too.
I'd like to see more structure in the poem, though. Start some lines without capital letters, and forget about the gap between each line, it doesn't suit it.