Published March 7, 2009
" I banish you to whence you came from!"
I smile, for I am not here nor there
I am the wind, the trees
The ground on which you stand
Oh, He may judge me as evil
For not only am I forced from society
For as even though you say this almost everyday
But also Heaven, Hell, and Limbo
There is no Death for me
I am ugly, conceited, and powerful
My words trick the most knowledgeable of fools
But no matter
I shall twist my stories so that all may hear
Your imagination is not here to tell you otherwise
For as long as you live
I will plague you
Do not fear
You wished this upon yourself
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140,826 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
you write really good.
i enjoyed reading this piece alot, it would have been great it you kept going,
you are a brilliant writer.
my favorite parts are:
There is no Death for me
I am ugly, conceited, and powerful
For as long as you live
I will plague you
Do not fear
You wished this upon yourself
(this line was my absolute FAVORITE!!)
<3
Hallo!
I'm Rei, and I'l be reviewing your work today!
This passage seems a bit cliché.
I know nothing of poetry, and know this is other poetry, but you sort of created a rythm, and that last line sort of messed up the rythm.
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS
I'm not a poet, nor do I understand poetry. I tend to lurk around the fiction forums and such for reasons that you probably understand just by reading my review. This was a complicated piece, and I didn't really understand it. What was with at the beginning? It didn't really make sense to me.
It was okay. I'm sure if I understood it more I'd give you a better review.
Hello, I'm Ryan, I will be reviewing your poem this evening. Everything has been picked apart. I'd advise though that you'd add punctuation. It helps the flow of reading, helping you reader make sense of what happens.
You compare being the wind, the trees. I'd either put it as wind; trees or not use one of them.
Example:
He ran holding his blanket he sighed hoping she was still alive it was getting to him thinking about her.
See, you can barely understand it.
Pros
+good use of parallel structure, alliteration, assonance, etc.
+some metaphors
+interesting piece
Cons
-not a lot of "power"
-a bit confusion
-a bit reordering and unuseful stuff is needed
-point out who He is
-could use some foreshadowing in the first few lines
I liked the devious sound to the poem, but there were some lines that didn't quite fit.
I've never been good at grammar, and it aggravates me when people pin me for it-especially in poetry where it's not needed- so i'll get to the stuff that matters
for as even though you say this almost everyday- you might want to reword that so it makes more sense. i dont know why,but the almost just throws me off. The central part is hazy to me, meaning: I get it, but i could know a little more. you may want to add some things to better clarify exactly what you are, whether it be a demon, or some nether being.
Hello! Please make sure you do 2 reviews for every piece that you post on YWS--keep a 2:1 ratio.
...but it doesn't really work. It seems kind of forced, you know, like when scientists shoot atoms at each other to try and make new elements...they don't really belong together...I think if you made the idea clearer, this poem could be really wonderful.
This poem really confused me...make sure that you have a central thought/theme/idea that you want to convey to the audience. I sort of felt like it was just a conglomeration of poetic sounding lines tossed together
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Don't forget to do your reviews.
-Cassie
Everyone else has really picked this apart already in terms of grammar, punctuation, how the words sound together...so I'll stick to the other issues. Such as exactly what your poem is supposed to mean. I agree with niteowl, it is kind of confusing. If I'd read the poem without a title, I'd be pretty confused. It's great how you flow so freely, but if I read this as a narrative, the order is kind of...pointless. You're banished? As in, lies are banished to...where? Why do you have that in there? If there is no consequence of the statement of, well, I'm guessing from the He in the fifth line that the entity speaking is God. But if you don't have anything else to use the statement for, well, it's pointless. Although it is a good way to hook your reader...you could argue either point.
For the first nine lines, you seem to be really just dodging the bullet if you'll excuse the cliche, I mean, you seem to be just dancing around the point you're trying to make, the first nine lines to me seem to have little actual meaning, given that lies cannot die nor can they be banished nor can...well, see, there's no meaning or point in it. I can see you're trying a little too hard to romanticize and dramatize the concept of lies...it just seems a little too draggy, too melodramatic...I mean, a little melodrama on such a concept of right and wrong is okay, but the thing is, everything you're saying in the first nine lines is just basically 'I am invulnerable' over and over and over in different ways in which lies are invulnerable...which, again, doesn't make much sense given reality.
However, in the last lines, wow, that is where I start to see the beauty and grace of the poem, how you're trying to say why lies are of consequence. I like that part, it makes sense, unlike the first nine lines, which make just about no sense at all.
I think if you cut back on some of the meaningless jibber jabber at the begining, you'd have a lot more powerful poem, it has potential, believe me. Maybe try playing around with it some, talking about consequences, not just jabbering. That's how you'll get the full effect of this poem, by really nailing it on the consequence aspect, because that is real, reality is more powerful than existential jibberjabber.
There's some interesting stuff in this poem, but it's not entirely clear right now. Are you writing about lies? The only thing that indicates this is the title. From the poem itself, I might have guessed you were writing about Satan. Make it more clear what you're writing about through your choice of words.
Secondly, this line makes no sense as written:
I don't think the poem needs this line at all, but I could be wrong. If you think this still needs to be in there, clarify it please.
Generally, I thought this was an interesting concept that just needs some clarification. I especially liked the last four lines. Keep writing!
I'm not a fan of poems without punctuation, but here seemed okay.
This poem is quite complicated and hard to understand. I didn't get the message also.