Published January 11, 2009
The Lie looked so tasty and delicious
And the Truth was swabbed in dirt
And I sat there on the bench
Watching
and deciding
I remembered the other tree
Which was to my right
Which had all my futures
Half good
Half bad
And they were all based
On the two fruits
Other neither
I could bite into
Because I wanted them all
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141,450 Literary Works • 674,461 Reviews
A very pretty peice of work! I am thinking you are trying to explain the the dividing line between truth and lies (reality and fantasy?). That it is wonderful living in this earth, in this realm...but the seduction of a fantasy world equally strong? I hope thats what it is, otherwise I sound very odd. Almost biblical when you understand Adam and Eve, and the whole choice to free-will thing.
Very good job!
I'm not going to pretend i totally understood it, but don't take that into account for to much. Metaphors often get past me. It was an interesting thought though, and it has definite possibilities.
My numero uno point: It's poetry! No need to make subject/verb sentences or using articles or any of that good stuff!
Right now, it almost sounds prose-ish, only with weird spacing. So don't worry about making coherent sentences, just work on getting the thought out there. Think less words, more artistic.
Hoping this was helpful, and not just a bunch of gibberish! =)