Smile faced Maria. Oh, how you make me crimson so. What’s my name? Ask me again, and let your voice rise on sunny strings. Maria, you gaze at me with your anxious brown eyes. Down below with your pink toed sandals and a daylight dress. Blow up a yellow balloon, and let it explode into your precocious laughs. If it’s outside where you want to be, we’ll hop on clouds in only our socked feet. But, Maria it’s raining. The smile on your cheek melts out of its grin, and fades away. We’ll run between raindrops together, and never come home. We’ll watch purple flowers peel from their stem, and the bumblebees float heavily above the grass. The wind will sing, and we’ll be its harmony. Dusk is a creamy splatter of grapefruit and coco plums. Maria, you are dandy as a dandelion, as you hold one to the sun. Running your pygmy fingers through a handful of sand, you wait until it all pools in your lap. You speak a perfect sound, and twirl away your responsibility. A precious one you are. If only you could run forever. Please never grow up. Never grow away.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Just... lovely, lovely, lovely! The prose of so very poetic that I'm sure you should try your hand at transforming this into actual poetry. Your wording lingers, is not easily forgotten, and I like that! As many others would!
It's so short, it's confusing, but that is how I think it's best to be.
Well done!
Wow. This is really, really cool. It isn't fiction to me, but it's a wonderful...whatever it is. I think it could work nicely as a poem as well. So there's nothing I can really critique on plot or much characterization or anything, so I'll give you some lines that were awkward and some lines that were brilliant. I hope it helps you in your editing.
Awkward lines:
Brilliant lines(though there were many):
Well done. Gold star!
Hey, thebadthing!
.Quick! Before you post anything more, go ahead and make a couple reviews. Why? You want to keep your 2:1 ratio up, and it will help your own writing a lot. Not to mention, it means that I can't eat you. Hungry as I am, I prefer the flesh of my enemies, not YWS members.
This was a really pretty piece, actually--though it wasn't technically a work of fiction, you did some cool things with language. I really enjoy it when people go out and get messy with English, just because it's a lot of fun.
The one thing that you have to remember about experimental writing is that it all goes back to basics--and you have to remember those basics in order to make strides in what you're trying to accomplish. Things have to make grammatical sense, but you can fool around with syntax and all of that.
This doesn't make much sense; not to mention, it's awkward. When you're playing with language, do things because it makes things sound or look interesting, not just because you can.
Also, since you're being crazy-freaky-artist, you're going to want to avoid clichès like the plague. They're the only thing that will hold you back from making as much of a mess as you can (making a mess in the good sense, that is). At the end, you start making Peter-Pan-esque statements, like "don't grow up", etc, though, since this isn't really a story, we aren't entitled to have an opinion on the matter. Instead, how could you shift your pleas so that your audience is more involved and that you use more interesting language than "don't grow up, please?". You did some really cool things throughout the piece; you just need to make sure they carry through. ^_^
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Thanks for the read, thebadthing! PM me if you have any questions. I'd be happy to answer them.