We will sing this together
as we teach the words
and learn the ritual
Who is willing to give a fatherly role,
on a walk to the beauty way.
Chanting and bluffing towards our own sunset
A paradise of a modern struggle
A cautionary tale
of reverence to the homeland
Creating community and speaking the sermon of the Word
With a landscape empty and dead
we wonder if our relation of kin
will impart to Abel on the hill
Running with the dead
we separate two visions.
Colonizing the snake and all his powers,
defeating the lineage of what my transpire.
and comforting the idea of poetic freedom
isolation from the plague and the ability to dance in the rain
A mystical sense of learning to sail
brings the turbulent winds of the sea to the shore.
A hurricane of a thousand years
continues to hum our humble song.
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Okay...
This is like a Gothic version of a hippy song. lol
Okay now this is very imaginary. My imagination sees the the sun set with all these massive structures in front of it and everyone behind me scream like fools... Is that normal?
I actually like this stanza. Very creative. I love the personification and metaphor used.
Line 4: You need to remove 'what' It will make more sense.
All in all: Really nice. Just too overboard for me with the Gothic tribe and ritual. There is nothing wrong with it and is good as it is now, but try to get a balance in this poem.
Hope it helps.
This stanza confused me.
Firstly you ask a question, without a question mark. Secondly, 'beauty way', doesn't make sense. What do you mean by it? A way of beauty? A beautiful way?
A paradise of a modern struggle?
Are you just throwing words together now? This stanza meant nothing to me - perhaps you could clear that up? I don't see its connection to the first stanza either.
may transpire
hum and humble are too close together for my liking. 'sing our humble song' - maybe?
I liked the sentiment behind the piece and the mysticism of it; I would have preferred to have more of a sense of the tribal mindset, of ritualistic nature and belief. I think you went a bit off the rails with the second stanza though.
Cheers