Watching days go by like seconds,
As the colour slowly fades,
My world is black and grey now,
Won’t the troubles leave today?
Mondays, Tuesdays, Morning, Night,
It blends until my brother’s right,
I am so selfish, I am so vain,
I can never see his pain,
For no matter, how I try,
The horror, still it makes me cry,
For everyday the world gets bleaker,
And death seems not so far away.
But then through all the darkness,
A friend will make me smile,
And all the troubles in the world,
Couldn’t bring me to denial,
That the world shines all the brighter,
When you know that there is black,
And a simple reggae beat,
Can make you dance around and tap,
If you only want to be that way,
Without the worry noon and day,
But knowing I keep feeling tears,
From fears and hate from all those years,
Could I be happy deep inside?
Where times of darkness forever hide.
Well That's my poem. I don't like the ending much... But I'd like to hear what other people think about it. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I'm not that good at poetry, or structure for that matter
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This was a very strong poem. I loved the flow of the poem.
woh like the use of rhyme i really like this bit My world is black and grey now,
Won’t the troubles leave today?
Mondays, Tuesdays, Morning, Night,
It blends until my brother’s right,
I am so selfish, I am so vain,
I can never see his pain, wickedly cool
Thanks so much Writersdomain, all your advice will help a lot while I'm trying to fix this up.
I really enjoyed reading this poem. As TBR stated, it had a nice tune, but I do think it needs some improvement... and that's why I'm here.
I liked how you pieced the 2nd and 3rd lines together; they make much more sense than they would separate. The first line was good, but it could be better worded to have more impact. 'go by' seems a little gradual for what you seem to be saying here. How about 'fly' or 'run'. Bring your words to life; don't settle for a vague term like 'go by'.
Your rhyming was excellent here! Good job
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The last two lines here bothered me. The first two lines are a couplet, so why not the 2nd two lines? It seemed awkward that you broke your rhyming scheme there. Also, 'the world gets bleaker'? If you keep this line, I suggest finding a more interesting verb than 'gets'. Again, it's very vague and doesn't put images in my head. How about 'grows' or 'wanes'?
I absolute loved this section; it was my favorite out of the entire poem. The only suggestion I have here is the line 'when you know that there is black' This didn't carry the same power the rest of the stanza did and this is one of the most important parts. I can't think of any other phrases that would still rhyme here that are more interesting off the top of my head, but I think this needs some rephrasing, even if you have to resort to visiting rhymezone.com or changing that part of the rhyme.
As you have said, this needs some work. You have some good ideas for a conclusion hiding here, but it isn't phrased right to be powerful. So, work with this and I'm sure you'll have a powerful conclusion. Oh, and one last sidenote here, if you end up keeping the 3rd line, I suggest rephrasing 'feeling tears' to something more interesting like 'harboring tears' or 'fighting tears'
This was a good poem overall, to the point with some brilliant lines, but as I've said, it has room for improvement. Work with your verbs and other words; make your lines come alive and your poems will be powerful. I see a lot of potential here. Nicely done and please keep writing.
That was a great poem but the end kinda ruined it.
I didn't find the rhyme really awkward, but I felt like the whole last stanza was an attempt to try to stay rhyming while stick with a meaning. It kind of rambles on at the second half of the final stanza. I think you should focus more on what you're trying to say rather than trying to keep it in pattern with the rest of the poem. Hope this helps.
I liked your rhyming too. I found it sort of like a poem that has to be read to a beat, and it sounds really good like that. Your topic was a wee bit overdone, the whole thing about darkness and stuff, but other than that I found it pretty good.
*feels like running round and shouting "they like it, they really like it" but decides against it*
Congratulations, being compared to Edgar Allen Poe has just made the highlight of my week. I think I'm gonna be trying to fix up the ending for a couple of hours now... but woot!
I liked your rhyming.. some lines did and didn't. I would never do that, but you handled it very well
I didn't like the topic very well I probably think because I can't really follow you... but that's okay, you made me wondering but I'm mostly used to ''clear'' or ''blur'' poems and this was somethinh in between since I understood the second stanza pretty well
Nywzz Nice Job keep writing !
i loved your rhyming. very Edgar Allen Poe like rhythm and rhyme style. it's very catchy, and i found that i was muttered the poem to myself aloud. at the end, yes, it was weaker. but it was because the anger that flared in the beginning was sapped from the poem to be replaced with the ehhhhh feeling. this "blah dreary wondering" feeling. don't start off with passion and then let us down! it wasn't a bad rhyme at the end, simple words don't make bad rhymes in careful hands...it was the just the meaning that let me down so much.
Thanks, The rhyming is horrible at the end, but yeah... I'lll fix it up eventually
Had a nice... tune to it... my head was reading it as some sort of song, worked out pretty nicely...
, was awkward... because it went from none, to every other line, to the two lines right next to each another... still a good poem though... No title suggestions from me.
This sounds like me though...
It was pretty... very pretty... but the rhyming, although nice