Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Glimpse: Part One

by the_orange_potato


Light swirls around you. You like the sensation of the small globes whispering enchanting melodies as you twirl. 

You've never felt this before, and you know it's a thing reserved only for those with the highest of status, but you don't care. 

Dancing beads of light so strong they pull you into a sway. They push you in different directions, you finally know what it feels like.What magic feels like.

It's a magic so strong and so beautiful, you feel it lift you off the ground. Like in grandmother's storybooks, it only does this for a few seconds. Gradually, the swaying lights dim. You want to hold on to them, beg them to stay, but they fade like everything happy.

"Mireille! What in saints names is going on down there!", Grandfather's voice travels down the stairs. You shove the box of dying gold light in the back of grandmother's bookcase.Behind the large volume of elvish lore, in the very, very back.

"Nothing grandpa, just going through one of nanny's story collections" you say,cursing under your breath after you hear the strain slowly crack through that sentence.

Grandfather's footsteps bang on the rotting wooden staircase leading down to Grandmother's study.

"You know your not supposed to be down here without your Grandmother."Grandfather says as he bursts through the door eyeing you suspiciously.

"I'm done getting ready for nanny's celebration,can't I read before hand." You huff, crossing you arms as you do.You consider yourself a great actress.

"I know you want to study " Grandfather says.

"Not study, READ." You correct, not wanting to get into the subject of your exam.

"Fine read, but you have to get your coat on now. Nanny's fifty year elder ceremony anniversary is a gigantic deal."Grandfather says in a lecturing tone that bores you to the core and leaves you thinking:

How in all the saints faith, did I get here. 

You thank the glowing magic, before you slip up the stairs and into the living area of the small cottage, you and your grandparents live in. 

Snow pads the stained glass above the furniture in the cozy, cramped space.You twirl down the hallway lined in mirrors, basking in the yellow silk gown you wear.

It trails down to your knees, but you consider that to be more of a reason to twirl and play around in the dress.

Before you fall into the fur rug in the entryway, Grandfather swoops you up into his burley arms.

"Grandpa! I'm turning fourteen next month no need to smuther me in hugs!"You says, but your laughing all the same. You embrace him back before letting go.

"Now let's go on a journey to see your nanny Mireille."Grandfather laughs. The lines beneath his eyes crinkle.

The flash of gold in his eyes lights up, like the small enchanting orbs that filled grandmother's study only minutes before.

You know Grandfather once practiced magic, but you don't know why he stopped. You can't grasp the idea of giving something like that up.

He swings the rounded wooden door for you, The gold going away in his eyes like the small spell you were surprised you had been able to cast.

You climb into the oak carriage and feel happy. This is going to be an adventure.  

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1464 Reviews

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Mon Oct 21, 2019 1:25 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

I'm so happy to have stumbled over this. I enjoyed reading this so much, and I really hope you post more! (And if you do, totally let me know!!) I have such a love of fantasy, and this is not only a fantasy piece, but it reflects the enchanting side of fantasy. The beautiful mystique that surrounds magic and the unknown.

You also hint at so much potential background! There's clearly a lot of lore buried beneath this concept, which should be so exciting for you to dive into and explore. The history of magic, the opinion of magic today and why her grandparents have differing opinions on it, the history of her grandparents, her own personal history, this elder ceremony and the culture of their home -- there' SO MUCH that you tease here in such a short amount of space, and that's probably half the fun of reading this! We start out with so much intrigue right from the get-go, and that's an awesome hook for your reader!

I love that you use 2nd person narration here. This is such a fun concept that very few people dive into (including myself), but I definitely enjoyed it and felt like I was actually there. I feel like 2nd person really allows for the reader to get really emotionally invested real quick and seems to almost heighten their sensory abilities while reading, and that really helps with the style you have here. It aids the feeling of awe and wonder that your MC has in the world of magic. Since it IS in 2nd person, I'd probably recommend replacing Grandfather and Grandmother with the actual titles the MC addresses them as, since this POV makes the characters much more personal. So Grandfather will be Grandpa and Grandmother would be Nanny. If it was 3rd person, it makes more sense to use generic titles in the narration, but the purpose of 2nd person, I think, is to make it more personal to the reader. In this case, Grandpa and Nanny are the reader's grandparents, and they would call them Grandpa and Nanny. Hopefully that makes sense. :D

I don't have much more to add. I just really want to emphasize how much I adored this concept of yours! It's such a fun and beautiful idea, and with the amount of history that's already hidden in just this small piece of story, I think you could have a huge fantasy story in your hands. I hope you have fun planning and writing this one as much as I had fun reading!

Keep writing!!

Jabber, the One and Only!






I'm happy you liked it, and hopefully the second part will be out soon(I just need to write a review). I had no idea what I wanted to write before this, and immediately thought of something in a genre i'd written in a lot. So thanks for enjoying a random idea that was floating through my brain! I'll look into the corrections you've provided!
-the orange potato



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Sat Oct 19, 2019 3:48 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hello there! Che here to review your story :-)

First of all I will point out any spelling or grammatical errors or places I think could use improvement. Obviously, some of these are my own opinions :-) Afterwards I will focus on the many good things about this piece!

Dancing beads of light so strong they pull you into a sway.

Now, this isn't a complete sentence. It should really be something like "The dancing beads of light are so strong they pull you into a sway." so that it makes more sense.

"Mireille! What in saints names is going on down there!", Grandfather's

You don't need the comma after the speech marks

Behind the large volume of elvish lore, in the very, very back.

It would make more sense to say "at the very very back"

"You know your not supposed to be down here without your Grandmother."

The first "your" should actually be "you're"

says as he bursts through the door eyeing you suspiciously

There should be a comma after "door"

"I'm done getting ready for nanny's celebration, can't I read before hand."

As this is a question, I assume there should be a question mark after "before hand"

you slip up the stairs and into the living area of the small cottage, you and your grandparents live in.

after cottage, it should be "that you and your grandparents live in" to make sense

You says, but your laughing all the same.

I assume it should just be "you say" and the "your" should be "you're"

"Now let's go on a journey to see your nanny Mireille."

There should be a comma after "nanny" otherwise it looks like the nanny's name is Mireille.

Now that's out of the way: The good stuff!

I really liked this beginning to the story. I loved that it was in 2nd person, as that is usually quite rare. It makes you feel like you really are a part of the story.

You used a lot of really wonderful description that brought your story to life, and I especially loved the descriptions of the magic at the beginning.

The relationship between the grandfather and Mireille seems really sweet and I am intrigued to know why he gave up magic.

I'd love to read more as I am really interested in the world that they live in- are they all magic? Is this earth, or another time or place? I wish you had elaborated on that but I assume you will talk more about it in the next parts!

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. It was refreshing and interesting to read :-)

Keep writing!

-Che :-)






-Hi

Thanks for writing this review! I'm glad you like the story, and i'll try to look into the grammatical corrections you provided. The second part I hope will be coming soon.



4revgreen says...


No problem, I really enjoyed this piece!





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We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
— T.S. Eliot