... And then she hurled her body off the cliff.
The cold breeze lashed against her pale cheeks as she cannonballed towards her doom.
For 10 blissful seconds she knew how it felt to fly. How it felt to reach for the moon and land up amongst the stars.
For 10 glorious seconds she was invincible. She was her own God and her own slave.
In those 10 seconds, she was immortal.
And then reality came crashing down on her, bringing with itself an infinite silence. Her limp body lay next to her beheaded voodoo doll, as her life flickered out of her eyes, leaving behind a desolate, broken carcass for the vultures to feed on.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like stories that intrigue. This was really really short. I wasn't exactly tuned off, but it shouldn't been much more. It was well written but it needed more to launch me into something. I like it though still. Just ten seconds though as it is in the air and then it all falls into a slap crash into the ground. That's basically what it is, pretty neat work.
I'm a bit confused. Where did the beheaded voodoo doll come from? Does it symbolize something? I'm sorry, I'm just not really catching on.
Other than that, though, I do like this short. Yet, isn't it romanticizing suicide?
Heeeyyyeee.....Urba here for review
Happy siblings day ;P
Omigosh...it's so much like Bella!!! In New Moon...ha ha ha...this was coooolll.....I really loved it...you really know how to make the feelings fly...fly like a bird...
was the best line...
I don't think glorious is the right word here...actually...I even can't think of the right word...;P
Don't change if you don't want to...it doesn't really matter...
you write really really gooood....keep using your writing talent...no wait...i have one more thing to say...this story would be more good if you make it a bit more short...you know sometimes a short thing turns out a volcano...make it small and make the volcano blast!!!and we'll be like @.@ ;P
Blah...I'm done...take care...and have a good day...
Best wishes...from the bottom of my heart...
A twilover...
~Urba...
Greetings the perfect foot accessory! This is your favorite neighbourhood wizard here for an early morning review!
I really don't know what has gotten into me, but I seem to be drawn to tales of death and suicide these days. I think it's the changing of the seasons, but I don't know. Anywaay...
Firstly, I love the title! I was immediately hooked and wanted to find out why the hourglass is shattering. It turns out I was in for something quite interesting.
The "the" should be "a". One usually uses a when describing a breeze, unless it is a significant breeze (like a Monsoon), or if you already mentioned said breeze earlier in the piece. And seeing as this is the start of your very short short story (you took the short seriously, didn't you?), I would advise you to change that.
I personally do not like the use of numbers in stories or poems in general, so is it possible for you to change that? I mean, ten is just three letters, so...
I like the two sharp contradictions you used so close to each other. But please just note that, whatever religion you are, if god doesn't refer to the deity you worship, it should never be capitalized. Unless it's at the start of a sentence (duh...)
Excluding 10 which should be ten, this my favourite sentence in this piece. Everyone wants to be immortal, and this sentence is clearly the climax of the piece, followed by the anti-climax of reality and death.
Overall, this was a nice piece, that left me wanting to read more (both because of the story {like why did she have a voodoo doll?}, and because it's so short) If you just change those few things I pointed out, this would be a great piece. I therefore rate it 8 out of ten. Splendid work.
Yours sincerely,
The Wandering Wizard
Hiya!
Well first of all thanks for the suggestions!
And second of all; honestly, I myself have no idea what or why I wrote that poem. Or where I wanted to go with it. I read the first line in some book and this really ambiguous idea just developed in my head.
If you really want to know its ending, then well your guess is as good as anyone's! (Sorry!)
Either ways, I will work on your suggestions!
Oh and btw, I absolutely love your slogan ("Not all those who wander are lost")... Makes me think of the lost boys for some reason!
Hello.
Kanome here with a review.
Okay, I started reading this and I was like... "What the h*** just happened there?"
I don't know why but the first line really caught me off guard.
I kept reading, and things became really dramatic.
Then I read, 'immortal' then I was like, "Yay! She lives!"
Then I read the ending... geez, the feels...
Well, you sure know how to get a person's feelings are riled up to kudos to you, my friend.
Keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more.
Keep writing!
Kanome
Hello there,
Thanks so much. I really didn't expect it to turn out so depressing but well, I guess you cannot make death sound fun or happy huh?
Either ways thanks for reviewing.