The Marine Connection
Every drop that splashes on me
Brings a whole new world of freshness,
I sit there almost night and day
With Nature and me it’s always togetherness;
The warm sunshine on calm water
Makes it glitter like gold,
But sometimes the breeze and the surging waves
Leaves me shivering in utter cold
The breeze on the shore
Is fresh, healthy and pure,
But as it strikes against my coiffure
It ends up in a nest for sure;
You’ve got to see the Drive
In event of a heavenly downpour,
It strikes the pleasure chords within you
‘God-sent’ drops meeting earthly doors;
Families, friends and lovers all over
Some caring, loving and some kissing all over!
They come here to take the stress off their lives,
Some brothers and sisters, some husbands and wives;
For me the Drive will always be
A constant source of energy,
I sit here, relax and feel divine
It develops a peculiar ‘synergy’;
Man goes on to compile and build
Places of ephemeral pleasure
But the Drive has been for centuries now,
And so will it be – radiating the eternal leisure!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello and welcome to YWS! I see you're new, so if you have any questions about the site or need help finding your way around, feel free to PM me. Why don't you introduce yourself in the Welcome section? That way we can get to know you!
I would also suggest you read the FAQs and Rules and other helpful parts of YWS that will make you an awesome member. You've already broken one rule, I hate to say! But that's okay, I won't bite you yet. Generally it's a bad sign if someone's first post is a story or poem of their own. We like to get to know you before you post your work! Additionally, in the rules you will find this:
I'd suggest you make those two other reviews ASAP, or at least before you post more work.
Onto the review? There wasn't much to this poem. It was about the Drive, and a beach, and how much joy it gives the speaker - but there wasn't an awful lot in it that was stunning. When I read a poem I want to be shaken to my core, or at least feel a little shiver. This poem had no affect on me. It didn't make me think or feel anything. Your only poetic devices are the fact that it's in verse, and your rhyme scheme, which in the end ruins a lot of the poem's possible flow.
This line With Nature and me it’s always togetherness; bothered me more than all the others, because the fact that you were trying to stick to your rhyme stood out so strongly.
Why not try to write a poem where you aren't bound to rhyme, that way you can let your thoughts out? A lot of people seem to think rhyme is necessary in all poetry. I actually prefer free verse. Unless you're an amazing poet, and already have a great deal of experience (it takes a long time for this! I can't even write good rhyme.) rhyming in a poem tends to stifle the writing because the need to rhyme overshadows the need to make sense and connect with your reader.
I think if you rewrote this you should think more about how to make your reader feel like they are at the Drive with you, rather than telling them what the drive is, and what it means to other people. I don't care about other people - poetry is a selfish experience! Make me, your reader, feel.