I tasted her lips then. Her cold, lifeless lips that for the first time didn’t kiss me back.
“Where’s that brilliant smile I fell in love with? Huh?” I whispered, smiling through the tears threatening to fall. But there was no answer.
“Show it to me... please?” I begged. Still no answer.
“Oh god... please... please just smile for me, for anyone! Just once!” I collapsed on the floor and screamed.
“Just one more time... I just need to see it one more time.” But then they took me away from her, took me away from the arms that will never hold onto me with all warmth and love that it used to, and I called it home because I never felt like I belonged to anything else in the world as much as I did there.
I knew I should never have left. Never should I have left that lovely and sad smile as I took my bag out of the trunk and exchanged my promise to protect her into a promise to protect my country.
“It’s not too late,” she whispered while she embraced me, “you can come back home. Back to the fireplace and the control light-switch you love so much.”
I kissed her forehead and told her I would miss her and that light-switch to death.
“But what if you die?” she screamed softly and the tears came out.
I kneeled down, took my cap off, and looked her right in the eye, “One day soon, my love, you’re going to wake up and I’m going to be right there. You just have to be strong, okay?” Her eyes closed as if to imagine it and I placed my forehead to hers.
“And I promise that I’ll be the first person to tell you good morning like I always do.”
I walked to camp with the look of determination on my face, but little did I know I was only running away from home.
I kept her picture in my breast pocket and looked at it every time before I put it away and picked up a gun. She kept memories in her pocket, but I was forced to only remember to fight instead of writing back to the letters she sent me each week. Now I see I was only trying to keep myself alive.
I came back because of a shot to the arm and they told me it was pneumonia for her. But on the inside, I knew what it really was; why it really happened. I fought the men and she fought the loneliness. But she never had a gun to defend herself, and I wonder why I couldn’t see which one of our wars was harder to live through before.
The birds were singing when they wheeled the coffin into grass, and the sun glistened in her hair when I asked them to open it one more time before they lowered her down.
I leaned down to look at her sleeping face and I struggled to continue the war she had once so valiantly fought. But I had a promise to keep.
I traced my thumb across her rosy cheeks and kissed her once more; kissed death and rebirth at the same time and thought it tasted as bittersweet as the chocolate she gave me that one day in May. I swept away the one strand of hair that always seemed to get out of place.
“Good morning, beautiful. You look as radiant as ever.”
And maybe, just maybe, I saw a hint of a smile.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This invokes such feeling and sadness in me (which isn't that hard to do since I wear my heart on my sleeve, but still ...) regardless this is an amazing piece on its own and I'm usually not the type for short sentimental pieces
because I'm a long drawn out borebut this type is the type that grabs me in hook and sinker - which so few do - I can't wait to read more of your work!I really liked this. It got the emotions across very clearly. I liked how it focused on the repercussions of being a soldier, but not just on the soldiers themselves but the people they leave behind.
I agree with the previous reviewer in that the line ""I came back because of a shot to the arm and they told me it was pneumonia for her." is a little confusing and needs to be reworded a little.
However, that's just a minor detail and overall this was a really powerful, good story.
This is such a bittersweet story.I completly understand, because my dad joined the milkktary when I was born. He has already been deployed, and I was terrified that he would get hurt. I feel so bad for the soldier. Anyways, I absolutly loved this,a dn I even shed a tear. Nice work on the wording, and just overall great job xD
Hi, I'm Celticmusicgirl and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
I really liked this piece. I like the emotion you displayed in this piece. you did a really good job. I did spot a few errors though.
First, you said "“Oh god... please... please just smile for me, for anyone! Just once!” I collapsed on the floor and screamed." I think 'god' should be 'God'. Of course that is just how I was raised.
Second, You said "But then they took me away from her, took me away from the arms that will never hold onto me with all warmth and love that it used to, and I called it home because I never felt like I belonged to anything else in the world as much as I did there." Nice piece overall here but I think you may have left out a word or two here and there and also i think you should change your words here and there. I think it should be "But then they took me away from her, took me away from the arms that would never hold onto me with all the warmth and love that they used to, and I called it home because I never felt like I belonged anywhere else in the world as much as I did there."
Third, you said "Never should I have left that lovely and sad smile as I took my bag out of the trunk and exchanged my promise to protect her into a promise to protect my country."
I think it should be "exchanged my promise to protect her for a promise to protect my country."
Fourth, you said "“But what if you die?” she screamed softly and the tears came out." I don't understand how one can scream softly.
Fifth, you said "I keeled down, took my cap off, and looked her right in the eye, “One day soon, my love, you’re going to wake up and I’m going to be right there. You just have to be strong, okay?”"
I believe that you meant kneeled.
Sixth, you said "I kept her picture in my breast pocket and looked at it every time before I put it away and picked up a gun." I think you can remove 'I put it away and picked up a gun' Just say "I kept her picture in my breast pocket and looked at it every time before I picked up a gun."
Last, you said "I came back because of a shot to the arm and they told me it was pneumonia for her." To me this sentence does not make sense. Maybe you could explain this a bit better.
Overall, I really like this piece. You did really well. Good job displaying the emotions. I normally do not like sad stories, but I really liked this piece. If you have any questions or just want ot talk, feel free to PM me anytime.
Hello, Cheetah here to review your piece.
I really, really liked this. You put so much emotion into it, I could feel it. The sadness, helplessness, all of it. I really liked that it was so clear to read. And I really liked the concept of the smile he wanted her to give him. This was great! Keep writing!
Thank you!
I absolutely loved your opening. It was original, well written, and captivating. Sad story, though. I really felt sorry for that soldier. He seemed so helpless and so miserable. As for his character, it was well developed, and you did an excellent job in portraying the fact that the soldier and the girl were so very close. It was very bittersweet. And the end just finished it off perfectly.
But I have to say that your story reached a certain point where the soldier's words to the lifeless body became overdone and far too repetitive. Other than that, good on you!
Thank you for your kind words! I can see why you said it was too repetitive, at the beginning right? I've seen a couple people who say a lot of words all at once when they can't believe something, and my aim was to make it more realistic. Can I ask you if it seemed too much?
But I'll definitely take that into account!
Yeah, I totally understood that bit. It was very important that he sounded truly upset and distraught.
Well, in the Hebrew language repeating something three times had special significance. It meant listen very closely and deeply consider what is said or what is about to be said. This is often seen in use in the Bible.
As for your story, I would not have repeated the phrase more than three times for this reason. But, saying this, I wouldn't entirely stop repeating a similar phrase either. You need to maintain that desperation, which you've already done a really good job of.