Published August 28, 2009
So, this is chapter one of a story I decided to start at ... 1:30 AM. I know it isn't very good, I really wanna improve though. My punctuation is a mess, I use too many comma's... so please, constructive criticism is appreciated, but don't be mean. Thanks.
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I slowly watched insanity kill my mother, the gleam in her eye disappear until there was nothing left. I swear I can still feel her sometimes, her cold lips brushing against my forehead before drifting off to sleep each night. Her skin was always cold, but no matter how cold they were—in a way they made me feel warm, safe. I remember when she would smile, the sun catching her eyes in a way the light reflected off of them making her green hues much more intense than normal. I miss waking up to her voice, pulling me out of my bed.
It was perfect, everything was perfect—we, my family, were perfect. Perfection is a temporary state you can force your mind into, convincing yourself that nothing in this world interferes with your state of ecstasy. But perfection can’t last, nothing lasts. She stopped kissing me goodnight, she stopped smiling, and she slept too much to remember to wake me up in the morning. Then the day came, my father said she was going somewhere… she was sick, but despite only being twelve I knew she wasn’t sick.
I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was coming home, two weeks away from her recovery… but the thing about depression is recovery is only temporary, much like perfection. You tell yourself you’re happy, that everything is just fine—but is it? No, because nothing is ever fine. In this world, things can never be that way. She ended her life, selfishly she took herself away from me, even when she promised she’d be back…
People lie.
Shortly after her death, I watched alcohol consume my father… tear him to pieces while he brought me down with him. Everyone mourns in their own way, trying to push aside the painful memories of their loved one, even when they know it’s impossible. My father lived, and still lives in guilt. He blames himself for sending her away, making her hate her life… But this was no one’s fault. Things just happen, people… they just happen.
The stress was beginning to kill my father, in the same way my mother had been taken from me. It was slow, a gradual progression towards the bottle. And with one swig of the rich vodka sliding down his throat, he was hooked—and he mind was numb. From the first time he hit me, it never stopped. It was an outlet for him, just like perfection was to my family and depression was to my mother—it helped him get away from the guilt, he could convince himself every time he hurt me that it was really my fault. That I was the one responsible for this, and in some way—that made him feel better about himself.
They said children become like their parents, the statement has been proven true and false in many different situations, but for some reason I felt like this was coming true for me… I was becoming my father. My anger was becoming harder to control, and just like him… with one sip of the deadliest poison, I was hooked.
I tried to fight it, tried to stop this… but I’m becoming a monster.
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140,630 Literary Works • 673,569 Reviews
I like it! I have a friend who's father is away a lot, and her mother drinks, and...
She told me today that her mother had stopped, so it seems to be getting better.
I like the story though; looks like a good prologue, or preface.
I really liked this piece. It caught my attention from the very start and drew me in to read more. The plot was nice, and the detail was extravagant. Even the most simple thing you wrote sounded like the most amazing part of the story.
All togther, it was a wonderful, well-written piece.
~Vanny
I really liked this a lot. The subject matter was interesting in and of itself, and it was truly written well. (If only people like you were in my english class.) Now on to the meat of this review.
There were a couple of awkward sentences in here, but like you said, no one writes well at 1 in the morning.
I would change "green hues" to something else, it doesn't really fit well.
I would either take out "we" or "my family". It's a bit redundant.
The very beginning of the next paragraph is blunt. I would've liked to see something building up to it.
In the same quote, I would capitalize the "t" in tear.
This doesn't flow well with the rest of the story.
Again, this piece was amazing. If you end up writing any more of it, PM me.
Hey there!
Man, that story was great. It seemed like a prolouge really, but I'm going to call it a story anyway.
The way you wrote it was beautiful, from the flowing descriptions to the cold hard facts. You sounded like an author without trying to sound like an author which is always a great thing! A gold star for you! haha, anyway, I definitely would love to know when you write more. Also, even though I'm not too helpful here, if you hvae any questions about anything you second guess I'm ready for action
Thank you! I will definitely PM you when I post more. I'm writing some now!
This is just a wonderful piece. It draws the reader in immediately and I already feel so attached to this character that I havent really even met yet. Could you please pm me if you post any more of this? I'd love to read it.
Oh, if you have doubts about it or feel that its rough but you can't pinpoint exactly why, try rewriting it. Not like editing but just rewording things and such in a different draft and see if you find anything that you would like to actually use.
Again, thank you thank you thank you!
I do plan on continuing this, I'm on vacation now so it's been hard. But after I finish my summer assignment for school, I plan on kicking this into full gear.
Why does this have only two stars?? You need to get more people to review your writing.
I like this a LOT more than your other story.
So... six platinum stars and a kiss from an angel?
I really, really, really want to know what happens next.
Usually things on this website, even the well-written ones, tend go on and on... and even if they're full of description and have a great plot, you feel only semi-interested.
This story is riveting.
The only other story on this website that I liked as much (besides my own, of course)
was the story called prwyden hall and the other story called alcoholic. Both have that something that pulls you along until the very end, and then you sit there going. WOW. I read something that was a lot better than a handful of published books out there.
I think your story is fascinating. I love how it begins and then ends with "I'm becoming a monster." Powerful stuff. Really well written. I can see this as a great short story, but if I were you, I would immediately shift into gear and create some action to offset the exposition. Too much reflective writing can exhaust the reader and you are bound to lose him. That's why you wrote, "I've become a monster," I was immediately drawn and wanted to know why. You're definitely on your way to producing an excellent story.
Thank you very much
Hi,
This was very good. You keep the reader interested and describe the character well. You make it easy to feel somewhat what the character is feeling.
'...and his mind...'
Overall I like it and think you should continue writing on it.
Feel free to PM me with any questions.
~Tayla