Gods, he's beautiful...
My own language sounds far more rich tumbling from the considerate manner of his mouth than it ever could from my own. His lips eloquently trace my scars, portraying more loyalty than half the nations...And more pleasure than a thousand nights of our youth spent under the Macedonian stars, accompanied by the bare Earth under our heads.
When Pompeii unfolds faster than your tunic under my hands, I'll have already ensured a plate higher than the glory of my armour for you to stand upon...All I can regret from my actions, are the sole deed of not being able to witness the anguish and shame when they remember the contrast of his essence and mine. Pinewood refreshing and embalming, Clanking of spears and incense of rich spices. My wrath will be marked with every inch of blood that forms the circle I made from the enemy's head.
Then I shall follow the Oracle and die by my heel. But you were my Achilles heel first, Patroculus....
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138,744 Literary Works • 672,274 Reviews
This immediately caught my attention because I am a big fan of The song of Achilles, although I am not well versed in Greek mythology.
Astonished would be a better way to describe how I felt when I read this. It's short but it's amazing, literally. This looks like something I'd actually find in the book itself, it's so beautiful the way you describe it I was immediately immersed to his world. Honestly this makes me want to reread the book.
But nothing beats the ending I have to say. "But you were my Achilles heel first, Patroclus..." Clever, clever, and just exquisite.
I have to say, this, is a work of art and you are extremely talented.
Keep writing ^^
thank you so muchh %u2764%uFE0F
Hey there, thatonenerdAri! This is Alex, here to review your prose-poetry today. The prospect of a gay historic couple instantly stood out to me as I was going through Green Room works to review. Though I had no prior knowledge about the relationship of Achilles and Patroculus, I assure you that I've done my due research and now find myself aware enough to speculate, hope that's no problem! Without further ado, let's dive right in.
Starting off, I loved the formatting and the way the sentences are phrased long to replicate the ancient setting. It evokes deeply buried feelings from within the reader, in a way they don't think possible. The imagery is beautiful and perfectly vivid, while the metaphors are beautifully thought and presented. The romantic yearning is so clear from the text, almost a nail in the coffin of all those historians who claim they were just close best friends (the case with most queer relationships sadly), if this were real. But in a way, it's a compliment how it paints such an obvious image of intimacy between them, that it gets more difficult to discount the more possible reality just because there exists little proof of it.
There are a few nitpicks that I had for you though.
The first 'own' here seems unnecessary and somewhat steals the impact of the second 'own' at the end of the sentence. It's not wrong per se, but I think you could do without it. If you really want for some word to fill the void there though, try 'my very language'. But I'll admit- that too looks a little incomplete. Wait, I have a better way! Change the second 'my own' to 'mine'. That way you can keep the former own and it's effect, without it sabotaging that of the later. That was my suggestion but totally your call about what to do or if even change it in the first place!
Again, 'nation' is exactly wrong but something more relevant to that age would've worked much better. How about kingdoms or courts? Or if you're feeling fancy, I have another alternate- 'more loyalty than all of Phthia and beyond. Also, 'with' instead of 'portraying' is more continuous and tone supporting, so I'd recommend that switch too here.
Message unclear. Maybe it's just awkward phrasing or some niche reference- some elaboration might be needed. Perhaps explain to me what you meant and I'll help you convey it better?
Plural helping verbs with 'sole' deeds looks inaccurate to me. This should be the correct version-
All I can regret is not being able to witness the anguish and shame when they remember the contrast of his essence and mine.
That's such a powerful and relevant line, amazing job!
Sheer perfection <3
Certainly the highlight, you outdid yourself here!
One more thing I'd like to point out overall- the narrative of the poem was somewhat blurred. Sometimes the narrator refers to their lover as 'him', the other times as 'you'. There aren't any clear demarcations for when it changes, making me think it's an oversight and not a deliberate creative choice. Please see to it, if that's indeed the case.
That's all I have for now! Had a great time reading of this tender romantic monologue prose, even if the work could definitely use some polishing. It was a pleasure reading and reviewing. Happy writing, I hope I get to read more from you soon. Until next time ~
Love,
Alex
Thank you so much, and will definitely take this into account. I'm also flattered you did the research, and yes, the shift from second to third perspective was deliberate. It was to mark patrochilies' death.