#8000BF ">Alright! Gheala here!
Let me tell you how I do this first. I don't review after I read, BUT I review while reading so I'd be able to write down my instant feeling about your writing. This review is slightly long, so you might need a calm mind to read it and not give yourself a nasty headache.
Know this: When I write long reviews, it means I LOVE the piece.
By the way, I love this chapter! Great Job.
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Okrol drousily woke not opening his eyes, the back of his head was sore.
-'Drowsily' instead of 'drousily'.
-The punctuation and structure of that phrase is slightly confusing. I think it would be better if you say #8000BF ">"Okrol drowsily woke up, without opening his eyes, for the back of his head was sore" or #8000BF ">"The back of Okrol's head was sore and he barely managed to open his eyes when he woke up."
It's any rephrasing you wish to make, as long as you de-confuse the sentence, if you know what I mean.
His surroundings were warm especially the back of his head.
Remember, the back of his head isn't one of the surroundings. Rephrase to mention both the feelings towards the surrounding and the pain in his body.
...he threw the soft, fleece blanket #BF0000 ">from him.
I think it should be #BF0000 ">'off' him.
The direct light of the full moon pierced his eyes, making him close them again as water leaked from behind his eyelids. It was at this point when he realized he was moving – fast.
Daring to open his eyes again, Okrol took a look at the navy blue blanket he'd thrown from him. A patch near the end of the cloth was blood stained. Bringing a hand to the back of his head, tears filled his eyes again as a stinging pain, issuing from his head filled every nerve in his body. His hands were flaked with brown, dried blood.
Okrol was sitting on an open topped trailer with a driver and two horses propelling it forward from the front. The driver, riding frantically sat near the front of the unit.
-Alright. I was confused by the last sentence in the first paragraph here. You showed us that he realized he was moving fast and I expected an explanation in the next paragraph, but I only understood what was happening in the last paragraph I quoted above. So, I think you should rearrange- make the third paragraph the second and make the second the third.
-By the way, I loved the expression #008000 ">"as water leaked from behind his eyelids". I don't usually read that tears would leak from the eyes, but it was in the right place and I liked it.
It was the businessman...
New paragraph.
the man who, with Okrol's father had drawn their swords before – blackness.
-I reread that sentence repeatedly, but didn't quite comprehend what you wished to say. Did you mean that Okrol and his father had drawn their swords before that man? If yes, I think you should rephrase to something like: "...the man before whom Okrol and his father drawn their swords." or any other wording you desire to use.
-One more thing: I didn't understand the purpose of 'blackness' in the end of the sentence.
Okrol slowly clambered toward the front of the carriage to where the businessman, still dressed in his fine clothing, dripped sweat from his forehead, his hands moving at a dizzying pace, egging the horses onwards through the night.
#008000 ">First of all, I loved those phrases. Your description is amazing, somehow picking the simple words to describe the whole scene. You succeed in writing the right words, even though that specific part seemed complicated to me. Some people wouldn't be able to describe it like you did.
Nevertheless, I have two remarks to make here:
-#4000BF ">''... to where the businessman, still..." <-- You might want to put a verb after 'businessman' because it felt as though something was missing there. Maybe "#4000BF ">where the businessman sat/ settled" or something else you want to use.
-Secondly, That specific sentence I quoted above was very rich, which I loved, but you might want to consider breaking it to two phrases instead of one long phrase. It's a 38 words-count phrase and that means an average of three to four lines in a book. That's too long and might lose the reader his concentration. #008000 ">Now, you don't want that, when you have such a beautiful phrase!
The driver saw Okrol through the corner of his eye, he let go of the reins with his right hand and pushed Okrol back onto the trailer.
#008000 ">Splendid! I can see the movement!
“Don't lift your head.” the driver began to explain
Put a #BF0000 ">comma instead of the #BF0000 ">period after the word 'head'. The phrase after the quotation is explaining what was said, so you need a comma.
At this, Okrol turned his head swiftly, looking over the back of the trailer. No more than twenty yards behind them was a group of men on horseback, brandishing swords and crossbows. Okrol was terrified.
#008000 ">Keep using that style! I swear I can almost hear Okrol's breathing and the horses hoofs against the ground.
One of the men loaded another arrow into his crossbow
New paragraph. I suppose that would be better.
The new obstacle in the road saw the horsemen behind the fallen crossbow wielder be thrown off their horses and fall face first onto the hard ground.
I reread repeatedly, but I'm not sure what you meant and the sentence seemed a little jumbled or crowded. If you want, you could tell me what you meant and we'll try to rephrase, if you need help.
The two horsemen, shining metal swords glimmering in the moonlight, their arms outstretched, as they made their move. Their horses' paces quickened, and they made up ground. Okrol's driver took another quick glance behind, sensing the danger coming.
Hmm.. I have some points here: The first phrase had too many visual details so I was shamefully lost in the end, not sure of what I just read.
-First: The two horsemen, shining metal swords glimmering in the moonlight. <-- You need to connect those somehow. I'll give you an example: "Two tables, screaming crows standing in a room." Did that make much sense? I think it didn't, because they weren't connected, even though they were in the same phrase. You could say: "Two tables shadowed a few screaming crows that stood in the room." Yes, I know, a lame example, but did you get my point? #400080 ">---> You could say, "The two horsemen, shining metal swords glimmering in their stretched hands, made their move forward beneath the moonlight.
If you link your phrase and glue it together, it will give a nicer impression.
vanished; there was no cry of pain
Use a period instead, so it would be "...vanished. There was no..." Remember, don't let your sentences grow too long.
erupt in his torso -
A period, instead. "His torso."
Nothing could be made out from behind the #008000 ">deep blankets of smoke.
#008000 ">Blankets of smoke! Beautiful description, making me understand that the smoke was too thick to see through. Just right!
"...my young friend.” Arboar said"
Put a comma instead of the period. You're explaining what was said, so you need a comma. Remember that rule, because that mistake is repeated throughout the chapter.
“Me and your father worked...
"I and your father" instead of "Me and your father". "I" here is a subject, not an object.
knife-like light
I didn't understand the resemblance between a knife and a moon. If you do see a similarity, take advantage of it and explain it in those last lines, if you wish.
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#4000BF ">
I'm done!
You're a very good writer, you must know that. You might notice that the nitpicks had increased slightly in this chapter, but that is ABSOLUTELY normal, while you proceed in a freshly written novel. You come to understand your own writing style and the personality of your protagonist as well. Let me tell you how I still loved it and enjoyed the movement and the description in it. You are talented.
I wish to tell you about two things that crossed my mind while I read this chapter.
One: I could only wish to hear Okrol's thoughts while he struggled with the men that attacked him. Did he wonder who they were? Who did he assume they were? Was he scared? You did a great job to show us the physical struggle, but I also wanted to know about his feelings and thought.
Two: You know the paragraph where Arboar told Okrol about his father? I think it was a little rushed. You know how most people think Rowling's seventh book was too crowded? It's the same thing with that paragraph, because it endured so much details that might be delayed to the next chapters. You see, humans don't believe strangers once they tell them something, especially when it's something that would affect their lives. If I tell you that you have a twin brother, would you believe me? If I proceed and tell you details about that brother, would you let me finish? That's my point.
So, try to tell the fundamental details in that paragraph and let the others somehow unfold later.
Honestly- and I don't lie when it comes to reading- I loved this chapter, truly did. How did you come to have that ability to capture a scene so well? When I was your age (I'm not very old now! D:) my writing style was horrific and it might even give you nightmares at night!
I praise you and your style. Once you grow emotionally attached to your protagonist and get to know him better, you'll grow even more better at writing.
By the way, I used the colour purple a lot and I don't even like purple. @.@ Lol
Great job, truly.
Points: 4346
Reviews: 71
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