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Young Writers Society



Chapter 2 - The Mountain Road

by thatboy


Okrol drousily woke not opening his eyes, the back of his head was sore. His surroundings were warm especially the back of his head. He lay still for a minute, remembering what he could. Nothing made sense; everything had just blanked out.

Frantically sitting up and opening his eyes, he threw the soft, fleece blanket from him. The direct light of the full moon pierced his eyes, making him close them again as water leaked from behind his eyelids. It was at this point when he realized he was moving – fast.

Daring to open his eyes again, Okrol took a look at the navy blue blanket he'd thrown from him. A patch near the end of the cloth was blood stained. Bringing a hand to the back of his head, tears filled his eyes again as a stinging pain, issuing from his head filled every nerve in his body. His hands were flaked with brown, dried blood.

Okrol was sitting on an open topped trailer with a driver and two horses propelling it forward from the front. The driver, riding frantically sat near the front of the unit.

“Come on! Stupid animals!” he barked at the horses. It was the businessman; the man who had strangely appeared at Okrol's home, the man who, with Okrol's father had drawn their swords before – blackness.

Okrol slowly clambered toward the front of the carriage to where the businessman, still dressed in his fine clothing, dripped sweat from his forehead, his hands moving at a dizzying pace, egging the horses onwards through the night. The driver saw Okrol through the corner of his eye, he let go of the reins with his right hand and pushed Okrol back onto the trailer.

“Don't lift your head.” the driver began to explain, stopping only to dodge a barely visible arrow which sounded past the side of his head. At this, Okrol turned his head swiftly, looking over the back of the trailer. No more than twenty yards behind them was a group of men on horseback, brandishing swords and crossbows. Okrol was terrified. One of the men loaded another arrow into his crossbow, and took aim. But before he had a chance to shoot, an arrow whizzed passed Okrol's head from the other direction, knocking the man dead off his horse. It was the businessman who had fired the arrow from his own, polished, magnificent crossbow. Before Okrol had the chance to look behind him, his saviour's attention was back on driving and taking them both to safety.

The new obstacle in the road saw the horsemen behind the fallen crossbow wielder be thrown off their horses and fall face first onto the hard ground. Only two pursuers remained by the time Okrol had the chance to look back. Both parties had been climbing the mountain road out of Greygoff Valley on the Largate side. Okrol wasn't sure because he'd never been out of his valley home, but he thought the next town from Greygoff in the direction he was heading was Lampito, one of the scruffiest

towns in Largate, and very much the people to make a bad situation a worse one.

The two horsemen, shining metal swords glimmering in the moonlight, their arms outstretched, as they made their move. Their horses' paces quickened, and they made up ground. Okrol's driver took another quick glance behind, sensing the danger coming.

The businessman bellowed words which Okrol had never heard before, they sounded old, they were definitely not part of modern language. Suddenly the horses stopped, still, as though they were frozen, their riders too, frozen. Okrol's carriage carried on moving a few more yards before the businessman spoke another incantation – the men on the horses vanished; there was no cry of pain or blood, they just disappeared while their horses carried on running for a minute before sensing their masters had gone.

All seemed calm as the carriage reached the highest point in the road; the region where the mountains were at their smallest, which the road took advantage of by emitting travellers in and out of the valley at that point.

“Who are you?” Okrol sternly asked the businessman through nervously chattering teeth.

“My name is Arboar, a friend of your father's.” As Arboar introduced himself with these words, Okrol felt a sickening pain erupt in his torso -

“Where are my mother and father?” Okrol quizzed anxiously.

“There's no time to explain, but they're safe.”

“What happened at -” Okrol cut himself short. He looked back the way he had come. Smoke billowed endlessly from where his home was; the entire town was alight. Nothing could be made out from behind the deep blankets of smoke.

“'Riders' from the Zarphic Desert, my young friend.” Arboar said, slightly smirking.

“Riders!” Okrol gawked. “What do the Zarphic Riders want with Greygoff?”

“Greygoff is right on their border isn't it? The Riders must have been sent to destroy towns to scare the king.” finished Arboar, still riding as he talked, though only a little slower than his previously frantic pace.

“Who are you?” asked Okrol.

“I've told you, I'm a friend.” replied Arboar casually.

“Yes, but who actually are you?”

“Me and your father worked together many years ago. We worked on finding an answer to what lay beyond the Great Wall. Surely he must have told you of his work.”

“No, he never told me a thing. He never mentioned work, he said that it was his business.” Okrol said, slightly angrily.

“You're saying you never knew what your father worked as.” Arboar said, openly laughing. “Your father was a hero amongst us, well, he still is. Me and your father worked for the king, trying to find a way of breaching the Great Wall on the far side of the Zarphic Desert. Fifteen years we worked with a team of about twelve men, including some of the original Zarphic Riders, before the war started anyway. In those years we found so many things about the wall that you would not believe – so many things. For example: did you know that the wall wasn't just built upwards. No, it was built downwards, many miles into the ground, stopping people from simply digging under it. Unfortunately, our station was shut down, just before this foolish war started and we never actually recovered how to breach it.”

Okrol was gob-smacked, he never would have guessed that his father worked for royalty – it was crazy.

The carriage continued its way towards Lampito. Okrol noticed the road change from a muddy track to a wide, stone-filled path the further they were from Greygoff. The moon still shined menacingly in the sky, its white, knife-like light, penetrating Okrol until he fell asleep once again.


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Wed Apr 13, 2011 12:55 am
Gheala wrote a review...



#8000BF ">Alright! Gheala here!
Let me tell you how I do this first. I don't review after I read, BUT I review while reading so I'd be able to write down my instant feeling about your writing. This review is slightly long, so you might need a calm mind to read it and not give yourself a nasty headache.
Know this: When I write long reviews, it means I LOVE the piece.

By the way, I love this chapter! Great Job.


*************************************************

Okrol drousily woke not opening his eyes, the back of his head was sore.

-'Drowsily' instead of 'drousily'.
-The punctuation and structure of that phrase is slightly confusing. I think it would be better if you say #8000BF ">"Okrol drowsily woke up, without opening his eyes, for the back of his head was sore" or #8000BF ">"The back of Okrol's head was sore and he barely managed to open his eyes when he woke up."
It's any rephrasing you wish to make, as long as you de-confuse the sentence, if you know what I mean.

His surroundings were warm especially the back of his head.

Remember, the back of his head isn't one of the surroundings. Rephrase to mention both the feelings towards the surrounding and the pain in his body.

...he threw the soft, fleece blanket #BF0000 ">from him.

I think it should be #BF0000 ">'off' him.

The direct light of the full moon pierced his eyes, making him close them again as water leaked from behind his eyelids. It was at this point when he realized he was moving – fast.

Daring to open his eyes again, Okrol took a look at the navy blue blanket he'd thrown from him. A patch near the end of the cloth was blood stained. Bringing a hand to the back of his head, tears filled his eyes again as a stinging pain, issuing from his head filled every nerve in his body. His hands were flaked with brown, dried blood.

Okrol was sitting on an open topped trailer with a driver and two horses propelling it forward from the front. The driver, riding frantically sat near the front of the unit.

-Alright. I was confused by the last sentence in the first paragraph here. You showed us that he realized he was moving fast and I expected an explanation in the next paragraph, but I only understood what was happening in the last paragraph I quoted above. So, I think you should rearrange- make the third paragraph the second and make the second the third.
-By the way, I loved the expression #008000 ">"as water leaked from behind his eyelids". I don't usually read that tears would leak from the eyes, but it was in the right place and I liked it.

It was the businessman...

New paragraph.

the man who, with Okrol's father had drawn their swords before – blackness.

-I reread that sentence repeatedly, but didn't quite comprehend what you wished to say. Did you mean that Okrol and his father had drawn their swords before that man? If yes, I think you should rephrase to something like: "...the man before whom Okrol and his father drawn their swords." or any other wording you desire to use.
-One more thing: I didn't understand the purpose of 'blackness' in the end of the sentence.

Okrol slowly clambered toward the front of the carriage to where the businessman, still dressed in his fine clothing, dripped sweat from his forehead, his hands moving at a dizzying pace, egging the horses onwards through the night.

#008000 ">First of all, I loved those phrases. Your description is amazing, somehow picking the simple words to describe the whole scene. You succeed in writing the right words, even though that specific part seemed complicated to me. Some people wouldn't be able to describe it like you did.

Nevertheless, I have two remarks to make here:
-#4000BF ">''... to where the businessman, still..." <-- You might want to put a verb after 'businessman' because it felt as though something was missing there. Maybe "#4000BF ">where the businessman sat/ settled" or something else you want to use.
-Secondly, That specific sentence I quoted above was very rich, which I loved, but you might want to consider breaking it to two phrases instead of one long phrase. It's a 38 words-count phrase and that means an average of three to four lines in a book. That's too long and might lose the reader his concentration. #008000 ">Now, you don't want that, when you have such a beautiful phrase!

The driver saw Okrol through the corner of his eye, he let go of the reins with his right hand and pushed Okrol back onto the trailer.

#008000 ">Splendid! I can see the movement!

“Don't lift your head.” the driver began to explain

Put a #BF0000 ">comma instead of the #BF0000 ">period after the word 'head'. The phrase after the quotation is explaining what was said, so you need a comma.

At this, Okrol turned his head swiftly, looking over the back of the trailer. No more than twenty yards behind them was a group of men on horseback, brandishing swords and crossbows. Okrol was terrified.

#008000 ">Keep using that style! I swear I can almost hear Okrol's breathing and the horses hoofs against the ground.

One of the men loaded another arrow into his crossbow

New paragraph. I suppose that would be better.

The new obstacle in the road saw the horsemen behind the fallen crossbow wielder be thrown off their horses and fall face first onto the hard ground.

I reread repeatedly, but I'm not sure what you meant and the sentence seemed a little jumbled or crowded. If you want, you could tell me what you meant and we'll try to rephrase, if you need help.

The two horsemen, shining metal swords glimmering in the moonlight, their arms outstretched, as they made their move. Their horses' paces quickened, and they made up ground. Okrol's driver took another quick glance behind, sensing the danger coming.

Hmm.. I have some points here: The first phrase had too many visual details so I was shamefully lost in the end, not sure of what I just read.
-First: The two horsemen, shining metal swords glimmering in the moonlight. <-- You need to connect those somehow. I'll give you an example: "Two tables, screaming crows standing in a room." Did that make much sense? I think it didn't, because they weren't connected, even though they were in the same phrase. You could say: "Two tables shadowed a few screaming crows that stood in the room." Yes, I know, a lame example, but did you get my point? #400080 ">---> You could say, "The two horsemen, shining metal swords glimmering in their stretched hands, made their move forward beneath the moonlight.
If you link your phrase and glue it together, it will give a nicer impression.

vanished; there was no cry of pain

Use a period instead, so it would be "...vanished. There was no..." Remember, don't let your sentences grow too long.

erupt in his torso -

A period, instead. "His torso."

Nothing could be made out from behind the #008000 ">deep blankets of smoke.

#008000 ">Blankets of smoke! Beautiful description, making me understand that the smoke was too thick to see through. Just right!


"...my young friend.” Arboar said"

Put a comma instead of the period. You're explaining what was said, so you need a comma. Remember that rule, because that mistake is repeated throughout the chapter.

“Me and your father worked...

"I and your father" instead of "Me and your father". "I" here is a subject, not an object.

knife-like light

I didn't understand the resemblance between a knife and a moon. If you do see a similarity, take advantage of it and explain it in those last lines, if you wish.

**********************************************************
#4000BF ">
I'm done!

You're a very good writer, you must know that. You might notice that the nitpicks had increased slightly in this chapter, but that is ABSOLUTELY normal, while you proceed in a freshly written novel. You come to understand your own writing style and the personality of your protagonist as well. Let me tell you how I still loved it and enjoyed the movement and the description in it. You are talented.

I wish to tell you about two things that crossed my mind while I read this chapter.

One: I could only wish to hear Okrol's thoughts while he struggled with the men that attacked him. Did he wonder who they were? Who did he assume they were? Was he scared? You did a great job to show us the physical struggle, but I also wanted to know about his feelings and thought.

Two: You know the paragraph where Arboar told Okrol about his father? I think it was a little rushed. You know how most people think Rowling's seventh book was too crowded? It's the same thing with that paragraph, because it endured so much details that might be delayed to the next chapters. You see, humans don't believe strangers once they tell them something, especially when it's something that would affect their lives. If I tell you that you have a twin brother, would you believe me? If I proceed and tell you details about that brother, would you let me finish? That's my point.

So, try to tell the fundamental details in that paragraph and let the others somehow unfold later.

Honestly- and I don't lie when it comes to reading- I loved this chapter, truly did. How did you come to have that ability to capture a scene so well? When I was your age (I'm not very old now! D:) my writing style was horrific and it might even give you nightmares at night!

I praise you and your style. Once you grow emotionally attached to your protagonist and get to know him better, you'll grow even more better at writing.


By the way, I used the colour purple a lot and I don't even like purple. @.@ Lol
Great job, truly.





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