Young Writers Society

Hi tgirly, this will be a quick review not just because it's a short poem but because I don't want to drone on and on because I think you still have a lot of raw material to work with in this piece and I don't want to be putting in input where your input should go.... (*snaps for run on sentences!*)

Anyways grammar and capitalization is solid. I might consider uncapitalizing "I" or "You/You're" to emphasize the difference between the two. Or maybe always capitalize versions of "you" - like "your" & "You're".

The on style nitpick I'll poke at is the last line "Y-O-U" I realize this is good for rhyming and rhythm but it honestly reads a little young for me (almost acrostic poem memories) And because the rest of your poem reads a little more mature but still confused I don't think you should do a cheesy move like that at the end. In fact just putting "you" at the end would rhyme and leave a hollow note if it was on a line by itself!
Be careful about using "because" & "'cause" in the same stanza. Also instead of starting two stanzas with "I don't want"... (they don't both have same number of syllables) maybe change the first to "save" As in "save the watered-down tears" --- Just an idea.

The best line by far is the first though I love that phrase "watered-down tears" it immediately draws in the reader and is so heartbreaking and conveys so much meaning. I almost feel like the rest of the poem falls a little short after that. <- and that is not to say that the poem is in any way bad, just that it ends up getting a bit cliche, a bit ordinary, and less awesomely unique.

I would suggest going back through saving a couple lines and ideas and really develop it more (not by adding more words necessarally, but changing how you say what you do). It's one of those instances where I read the first line and that's all I'll remember. The first line is amazing, beautiful, and just really such a unique phrase that I'd hate for you to waste it in any way.

But then again that's just my opinion, and other's may feel differently. Sorry if I sounded to critical the poem is good - but you can make it even better.

Farewell amidst salutations Tallywa!

~alliyah

Hello tgirly,

It's DreamingForever here to review your poem! I have to say that you have an excellent start here and although it was a very short and simple poem it was still nevertheless very effective and powerful. I have to say, I honestly really enjoyed reading this and you have a great talent for poetry. This review will be very short because what you have here is already pretty amazing so nice work! I always enjoy your poems but this is very good!

First of all, your rhyming is very good but I think in some places it's a little infrequent, meaning some lines have to many syllables which makes the rhyming feel slightly forced and choppy.

Nor you mine,
Don’t say I’ll be fine

Because the truth is
You’re tearing my heart in two,
And all ‘cause I just had to love
Y-O-U.