Ms. Quilf’s Home was situated in the foothills of the Airee Mountains and separated from the village of Valleem only by a hill. Tall grass covered its surface, but the children had worn a path over the crest of the hill, where the grass was now pressed down to make traveling easier. The home’s inhabitants numbered only four including Ms. Quilf herself. There was also Thren, Arelia, and Lyrik.
On the day of the fire, Lyrik walked beside Thren, his arms swaying slightly at his sides, his head stooped slightly down. The two were silent; Thren because she’d come to prefer it, Lyrik because it was dangerous for him not to be. An odd form of Tangle, the Word- Weaver in him gave him a certain power over words, which the Bone- Weaver in him strengthened, turning him into a potential fire-starter every time he spoke. He’d learned to fight back the flames, but was a man of few words all the same. And so the two walked along in the companionable quiet that takes years to fully hear. It was like a thousand days before, until the pair reached the hilltop.
Around the cottage swarmed men, torch-holding, armored, shouting. A torch was raised and thrown. The blazing wood sailed through an opened kitchen window, over the small bed of daffodils.
Thren didn’t have time to panic. Lyrik gasped, about to call out. So suddenly, he wouldn’t be able to concentrate, to control the fire seething in his marrow.
Thren tackled him.
“Think, or you’ll get us killed,” she hissed. He nodded, his hands shaking.
“Arelia?” he asked, careful now. Cold panic wrenched through Thren as she thought of the small girl with blue eyes and always a red ribbon in her yellow hair, of her in the flames, or running out into the crowd of strange men now burning their home. Then she relaxed.
“Not home, remember? Quilf took her to Kyriem to trade the strawberries.”
The two hid in the tall grass until the strangers had left, satisfied the house was condemned to a fiery end that no stray breeze or sudden sprinkling would be able to salvage.
“Thren, Lyrik,” Ms. Quilf called, meeting them in front of the house-turned-bonfire.
“We’re fine,” Thren said, “where’s Arelia?” Ms. Quilf’s eyes clouded.
“What- she ran ahead. To go to town with you.”
but the children had worn a path over the crest of the hill, where the grass was now pressed down to make traveling easier.
The first part of this sentence makes sense about the children wearing down the grass, but then putting the phrase about it being pressed down for easier travel, doesn't really go. It's like saying the same thing twice.
On the day of the fire
I'm sorry, but that really takes away the suddenness of the cottage being burned. It takes away the complete surprise of it all. I would find a different way to introduce it.
Also, you have ms. It should b Miss or Mrs., but ms. Also, where Mrs. Quilf shows up at the end, it seems really sudden and confusing. I really don't get the ending.
I don't want to sound too harsh, you do write very well.
Keep it up!
I find it interesting that you have a character that is extremely careful with his words for a reason that isn't a speech impediment.
This is really short for a chapter. If you're going to continue to write in such small increments, I'd call it an installment.
The readers don't know the reason for the torching, and won't really care unless you explain it fully. The same goes with Arelia. Until we have become acquainted with her and her character, we, the readers, won't care if she dies a fiery death.
How old is Thren? That is unfair! She was four when we last saw her!
Black already pointed out the stiff dialogue. The dialogue just isn't natural to the situation.
Hope I help.
Okay, hey! Black here for a review!
First off: Really nice work here, I am seriously impressed by your inventiveness and skill! Originality means a lot in fantasy, and an extra lot to me, it takes imagination! And you did a very, very nice job showing your control over your imagination! (Interesting name too . . . a bit long, wrongly capitalized, but interesting)
The story is presently, obviously, rather hard to understand, due to the lack of overall details, but I am hoping that you'll be working on that here! Now: You have a lot of important strong points: You have a good style, decent description for a story of this type, promising originality, and good character names (Really good, if I might say!)
However, you also have weaknesses: Namely, your dialogue is not convincing, you don't have enough overall detail, your plot feels like it's doomed to a dead end, and your action isn't convincing.
I'll try to show you what I mean here, but remember! At the end of the day it's always up to you to make sure you fix your problems and move on! So here goes!
I'll start with your dialogue.
Now, technically speaking your dialogue is correct. There's nothing really, technically wrong with it that I can see. Your problem is that it's not convincing in your use of it. If you're writing something like this you have to think about what all is going on and how a real person would react to it.
Someone you love is getting killed before your eyes you don't go "'Oh god, help . . .' Cyrus said" Why doesn't this work? Because the sentence doesn't have any tension or worry, or anything! You gotta remember that dialogue is war, it's the showing of emotions! You go like this! "'Oh my god! Help! Help!' Cyrus screamed frantically"
Let me show you specifically what I mean.
This sentence holds absolutely no tension! The house is burning down in front of their eyes, they don't know if the girl is in it or not . . . if I know anything about being near a massive thatched (ESPECIALLY!) house fire (And I do), it would be searing hot as well! I mean, Ms. Quilf might as well be catching their dinner across the dinner table!
You have to work more along these lines! (Though this isn't perfect)
. . . see what I mean . . .?
Pretty much all of your dialogue is like this! Work on it! (Remember as well: Dialogue doesn't just consist of the talking itself, but the reaction as well.
Next here I'm moving on to your plot .
So what do I mean by 'your plot feels like it's going to hit a dead end'?
Simply this: You aren't supporting your story enough! What does this mean? It means that I know virtually nothing about this world (It's confusing), and as of which, I cannot appreciate what's going on. It also means that you're not giving enough space to your action! You have to build up a story a bit before you hit the action!
Remember, a novel is made up of three disasters! First disaster (Heralding change!)! Middle disaster (Worse than the first and forcing a showdown)! And final disaster! (Winding the story to a close! These disasters don't have to be violence! They can be something simple! Like Frodo is left the Ring, or Will is caught trying to sneak into the baron's study . . . But you have to have them!
You have to build up to these disasters as well! You can't just land on them out of nowhere! That doesn't work now, and never will! Why? Simply because if I don't know a character well enough, I won't feel anything when their life is changed dramatically! If I don't have a feel for Will, I won't feel exhilarated when he's chosen as Halt's apprentice!
Point being you don't have enough backstory built in to the story for me to feel anything when there's a chance that Arelia might have been burnt to death or carried off . . .
Get the point?
I'm sorry if this was confusing. I hope it helped though.
Now for action :
Really, your problem with your action is just your plot and dialogue problems working together and against you I'm afraid. . . . If you can see how they're related, you'll know what I mean. As of now, all you really need to do is fix the problems already pointed out and put in more emotion! Their home (And possibly friend/whatever) is burning . . . their minds are gonna be screaming! They're gonna be chocking on smoke! It'll be chaos!
Okay! So don't get discouraged here! You have problems, like all of us! You just need to work on them! You have a great idea here I think, stick to it and see where it goes!
And remember to keep writing! (A writer advances by practicing their craft! You won't get anything if you expect yourself to get better without work!)
~Black~
I'm going to try to cover as much as I can. From start to finish.
"An odd for of Tangle, the Word- Weaver..." and "Bone- Weaver...". In both of these cases it seems that you accidentally pressed space, or maybe you are doing that for some other reason.. No big deal, just be careful when checking over finished works and revisions.
another thing to add is that you seem to have trouble adding in descriptions of situations or characters without messing up the flow of the story. An example would be "...as she thought of the small girl with blue eyes and always a red ribbon in her yellow hair, of her in the flames..." It seems to me you felt compelled to add in the part about her being a small girl and describe what she wore, but sometimes its better to find a way to describe the character BEFORE something heat-of-the-moment-esque happens. After that though, there isn't much else except for the occasional unneeded dash's like "house-turned-bonfire". Maybe say "house, now nothing more than a bonfire", or describe how the embers flying away from the burning building singed her shoes as she gathered near Ms. Quilf. Something that sparks the readers imagination.
Anyway, great little thing here. You are an okay writer. If I had to rate it, I'd give you a 4/5. Great job!
$$$Ziggy$$$