z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Grandmother

by tgham99


"You’re never supposed to do one of those alone.”

It wasn’t a suggestion or a piece of advice – it was a statement of truth, a hard fact. As I pulled out the dusty Ouija board from the back of my mother’s closet, I pushed her warning to the back of my mind and decided to throw caution to the wind. At eighteen, I was never really the type to heed my mother’s wisdom anyway. What did she know about spirits and Ouija boards, anyway?

I’d attempted to contact my grandmother before – multiple times, in fact. Her death had left painful scars in the hearts of my family, and though I’d never been close to her, I unabashedly refused to hide my morbid curiosity surrounding the ways in which people contacted the dead.

The only difference was that this time, I was going to attempt it by myself rather than forcing Annie, my fearful-yet-loyal friend, into pursuing contact with me as had been the case previously.

“Whatever, mom,” I had said to my mother, choosing to experiment with the board on my own rather than placing all of my trust into my well-meaning but ridiculously paranoid mother.

It was dark outside by the time I made it to my room with the board, having had to sneak it past the prying eyes of my grandfather, who had made it a point to heavily discourage me from any and all attempts to contact “the Other Side”. Though I disregarded his warnings in just the same way as I disregarded my mother’s, I’ll admit that his words were more formidable than hers.

The wind outside howled as I sat down on the floor of my bedroom, the cool wood firm against my bare skin. The sound of crickets outside my window were eerily unsettling tonight, though I chalked it up to nothing more than nervousness at the thought of attempting to use the Ouija without Annie or anyone else by my side.

The darkness of my room seemed to swallow me whole, and for a moment, I felt my heart rate quicken as if I had subconsciously detected a malicious presence in my room. The sound of the wind outside, paired with the unease slowly settling in on the room was almost enough to make me reconsider tonight’s task – almost.

I lit a candle in the next to myself, the small white flame dancing in the slight breeze my movements had produced. Aside from its light, the room was completely devoid of any brightness, and though I didn’t want to acknowledge it, I was growing more and more uneasy by the moment.

“Here goes nothing,” I whispered to myself, mostly in an attempt to remind myself that nothing had actually happened yet.

I followed the pattern of steps that I’d repeated so many times in the past. It was muscle memory at this point, placing two fingers on the planchette. The amount of hours I’d spent watching Youtube videos had tricked me into thinking I was a professional at things like this.

I slid my fingers over to the first word.

HELLO

I cleared my throat and took a deep breath, attempting to bury the sudden sense of fear that had unexpectedly wedged itself into my throat. It was too late to go back.

Too late.

I opened my mouth and uttered my grandmother’s name, fighting the tension building up within my muscles.

“Marie Gallagher,” I said slowly, my fingers beginning to shake on the planchette. “If you’re there..” I stopped myself for a moment before continuing. “If you’re there, if you’re able to communicate with me, show me a sign,” I said breathlessly, swallowing with extreme difficulty as I glued my eyes to the planchette.

A few seconds passed. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty.

Try again, a voice in the back of my head urged.

“Marie Gallagher, if you can hear me, send me a sign, say something to let me know you’re here,” I said uncomfortably, and almost immediately after I finished my sentence, I felt a shiver run down my spine. It was becoming colder and colder the longer I sat there, and I was overcome with the mixed feelings of suffocation and heaviness setting onto my shoulders.

I gazed down at the board and froze -- the planchette had moved.

Without my realizing it.

I froze in place and slowly moved my gaze to follow where the planchette had ended up.

GOOD BYE

I choked out a gasp and lurched backwards, kicking the board away from myself in a frenzy. “What the fuck,” I sputtered in confusion, wondering if my imagination had played tricks on me or if I had actually moved the planchette without paying attention to my actions.

“What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck,” I repeated in disbelief, sliding further and further away from the board until I had put five feet between it and myself.

The darkness grew more and more sinister with each passing moment, and I struggled to remain calm while digging my nails into the hardwood floor. In all my attempts at reaching someone on the other side, I had never been successful, and I had never been so flooded with fear, so overwhelmed by the feeling of heaviness that was now threatening to crush me under its weight.

For a split second, I thought I saw movement in the corner of the room, and my eyes darted across the darkness in an attempt to make out any shapes.

This was wrong. This was all wrong.

My breathing slowed as I struggled to calm myself down, my eyes still searching for the flash of movement I had glimpsed seconds ago. It was then that I realized that the candle I had lit in the center of the room to aid me in reading the board had been snuffed out – but not by me. The sound of the wind whipping trees around outside of my room was the only grip on reality as I came to a horrifying realization.

Something was in the room with me. Something I had invited in – without intending to.

A cold sweat broke out on my forehead as I slid further and further away from the Ouija board, short whimpers escaping my mouth as words failed me.

Then, something behind me shifted. There was a cold drift of air that ruffled my hair and I froze in place, my eyes growing wide.

A hand slowly rested on my shoulder.

Its fingers slowly tightened their grip, and the sound of the wind outside of my window abruptly subsided.

For a few agonizing moments, the only sound was the pounding of my heart flooding my eardrums, threatening to deafen me amidst the terror of the situation.

Then, she spoke.

“You should have never done it alone,” Marie whispered in my ear, as she slid her hand across my mouth.


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User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 120
Reviews: 16

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Mon Apr 27, 2020 8:40 am
JenTep wrote a review...



Ahhh! What a good build up! Hope your night is going better than your characters! With this conclusion, I imagine the grandmother wasn't a sweet lady and her mom and grandfather knew that. But I was curious if they were so opposed to contacting the other side, why they would have that board anywhere inside the house. I've known real families like this and they wouldn't even allow it inside the house. I'm curious about so much though, way to leave me wanting more!

The transitions were smooth and I appreciate the detail where it was!

Additionally, why was this her choice of reaching out to her grandmother? This main character fits the plain jane archetype which isn't a bad thing. I just wonder how you could make the protagonist stand out so we care more about what happens. This suspense feeds into our personal fear of the unknown, so it's steller in that regard.

I'm looking forward to more haunting tales from you! It's a journey when someone does it like you! The pacing was right and it reminded me to get back to my scene similar to this! Thanks for the inspiration!

Peace and blessings!
-J.T.




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15 Reviews


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Reviews: 15

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Mon Apr 27, 2020 6:19 am
JacobMoor wrote a review...



Hey tgham99!

As a horror fan, I've gotta say this is awesome. Love the way you've written this. It's short, sweet, and creepy - great ending, too. You might want to slow the tension down nearing the climax, as constant pressure and action can overwhelm readers; you could do this by weaving in some more description of the room to help ground readers to the scene. I think you could take the fear factor to the next level with some good description: for example, the candle-light (weird, dancing shadows cast by the candle-light), or the hands on the character's shoulder (how does it feel? Cold, clammy? Maybe the skin feels like sandpaper, skin rotting away, etc). Also, the sentence "I felt my heart rate quicken as if I had subconsciously detected a malicious presence in my room" is a bit unwieldy. But still, this story is great. So much fun to read.

Jacob




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31 Reviews


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Mon Feb 24, 2020 4:12 am
MoonlightForest wrote a review...



Tgham99 - you are the master of suspense. I hope you know that! Even though I got some Annabelle vibes in reading this plot, I still enjoyed your fresh take on a very popular topic. The way you command language is very brilliant, and the sorts of descriptions you use are common but in a fresh, relatable way. I think back to the scene in which your character witnesses her candle being snuffed out, as wind whips through the trees around her (i'm assuming it's her backyard)?

That being said, I'm not sure exactly what distinguishes this character from a slew of protagonist archetypes. As far as we know, Marie Gallagher's granddaughter is just an ordinary girl who likes to play lacrosse and watch movies with her friends. And while I realize that over description could bog down the reader with expository, unnecessary details in naturally short-and-sweet piece, I still get the feeling that this particular short story is missing a little something.

Another character that I was wishing to know more about was definitely the grandfather, who seemed to express a disdain for your narrator in her attempts to contact "The Other Side". With this deceased woman being his wife, wouldn't he have some inkling or curiosity towards the prospect of death, and the possibility of contacting her? I really felt like the grandfather either needs to be more reactionary, i.e. a foil for your narrator in his method of preventing her summoning action - or not be mentioned at all. That is just my personal opinion.

Anyway, I enjoyed your piece immensely and I hope to read more of your awesome, brilliant work. Cheers!




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Sun Feb 02, 2020 6:53 pm
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sosasketch wrote a review...



Hi there! Just here with a review on your piece. First of all, let me say right off the bat that you are incredibly talented at the descriptive element of writing. Your skills of portraying imagery really bring the story to life. I felt as if I was inserted into your writing. But, it never came to the point where I felt overwhelmed. You did a good job at one of the tougher parts of writing: balancing action with description.

Just something that crossed my mind: The flow kind of threw me off at the end because the beginning of the story was detailed, clear, and descriptive with slow-building tension, but at the end things quickly sped up and it felt like a lot was happening at once. Of course, I could see the purpose of that. That's when the action really hits, the climax of your story, so I see where you were going with that. It added to the panicked sense that your main character was feeling. Maybe next time you can try going from slow to sped up at a gradual pace so that your reader does't feel overwhelmed. That's just my opinion, of course.

Let me commend you with that twist at the end! I was expecting the grandmother to be sweet and cordial, happy to see her granddaughter again. Portraying the grandmother as a malevolent spirit was something I never saw coming! The tension you were building up throughout the story put me on edge, making the shock hit even harder. So great work!

All in all I thoroughly enjoyed this story and cannot wait to see what else you come up with! You're definitely a creative, imaginative storyteller.




tgham99 says...


Thanks so much for your feedback, it was very helpful and it was also nice to hear that the twist at the end was interesting and actually worked out. I really appreciate your review <3



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151 Reviews


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Fri Jan 31, 2020 7:46 pm
writerkitty wrote a review...



^^ Hello! Writerkitty here with a review for you!

This is quite an interesting short, and I enjoyed reading it from the start to the end. ^^ Something I really liked about the writing here, is how you've balanced all the action and description. They don't disrupt the flow of the story and still manages to deliver the feels and the intensity of the situation to the reader. Good job on that!

Another thing I found interesting is how the protagonist met their end because they didn't abide by the rule that was mentioned at the start of the story. Actually, when I read the last bit of the story, that line echoed in my head right before Marie said it... O.o

Right off the bat, I knew the main character was going to ignore what their parents say and still use the ouija board. But you kept constantly reminding it to the readers by using the protagonist's thoughts about her mother and grandfather's warnings. I don't know why, but it added more suspense to the story. Like, most stories just jump into the whole horror part instead of actually showing whether the characters sense fear or even regret.

But I think you've portrayed it perfectly here. Because in your story, even though the protagonist acts all brave and curious about summoning, they still sense fear and later on regret.

And the YouTube part is quite true, I watch a lot of paranormal videos myself. And things like that do make us feel a bit curious about the undead... xD

This is one of my favourite parts of your story, where the description is handled really well

My breathing slowed as I struggled to calm myself down, my eyes still searching for the flash of movement I had glimpsed seconds ago. It was then that I realized that the candle I had lit in the center of the room to aid me in reading the board had been snuffed out – but not by me. The sound of the wind whipping trees around outside of my room was the only grip on reality I came to a horrifying realization.

Something was in the room with me. Something I had invited in – without intending to.

A cold sweat broke out on my forehead as I slid further and further away from the Ouija board, short whimpers escaping my mouth as words failed me.

Then, something behind me shifted. There was a cold drift of air that ruffled my hair and I froze in place, my eyes growing wide.


Moving on, the ending was quite creepy...and I was confused earlier because I had expected that their grandmother would've turned up as a friendly ghost/spirit giving that the whole family missed her quite a lot, I thought that she might've actually wanted to communicate with them again.
But then I realized, this is written in first person POV, so the narrator is the one who assumed whatever the thing they invited was 'Marie'. Since she didn't even see the being, I assume it wasn't even the spirit of her grandmother at all...making this a whole lot scarier.

^^ Onto the last bit of the review, Nit-picks. ^^ I only picked up a few, and they are super small mistakes... and most of these are just suggestions. :D So, what I'm saying is you writing skills are really good! Keep up the awesome work!

The sound of crickets outside my window were eerily unsettling tonight,


'were' doesn't seem to suit the singular subject 'sound' here. So I suggest changing it to 'was'. ^-^ But this is merely just a suggestion!

The darkness of my room seemed to swallow me hole , and for a moment,


'hole' should be changed to 'whole'

The sound of the wind whipping trees around outside of my room was the only grip on reality I came to a horrifying realization.


I dunno if it's just me, but it feels as if there's something missing here...


^-^ Welp, that's the end of my review. This was quite an enjoyable horror story, and I hope to read more of your work!

Keep writing! ^^




tgham99 says...


Hi there! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thorough and helpful review of my short story here. I definitely take full responsibility for not proofreading.. I've made some changes based off of the errors you pointed out. I'm glad it was an interesting read and I really appreciate the feedback <3



writerkitty says...


^-^ Of course!




Irresponsibly-conceived assignments don't deserve responsibly-executed complies.
— Persistence