Days gone by
Nights have flied
Wishes have been dreamt
Prayers left unsaid
Everyone is sleeping
Everyone but you
Creeping around
Up and down
Worrying to the ground
Pacing around
Biting your nails
Speaking to yourself
What is on your mind?
What is keeping you up at night?
Is it tomorrow?
What does tomorrow hold?
A fear
A fight
A nice sunny day darken with fright
You should sleep
Sleep in the bed next to you
Don’t let worries get to you
Tomorrow is tomorrow
Today is today
Tonight is tonight when the fright goes away
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there texmex. I'm on a campaign for revmo to give reviews to all the wonderful pieces of poetry, that never quite got them in the past.
I always jump to recommending this first but stanzas are what you need here. I'm surprised that no one pointed this option out to you in the previous reviews, considering recommending stanzas is a standard in my time. I think this might be your first and only piece on the site, so you might not have been too familiar with formatting poetry.
Stanzas and more punctuation are the easiest ways out that I see here, formatting wise. There's equal work to be done on the formatting and the content. The formatting is just the first thing that the reader really notices, before they even get a chance to start reading through the thoughts presented. I don't mean to say that you have to write for an audience but that is the best way to imagine it when writing a piece of poetry.
How would the audience react to this?
You've got a lot of strong, emotional lines here but they're just very overlapping. Way too many ideas going on at once and this is an issue that can't be fixed just by rearranging some lines. This takes serious thought and a bit of removal to get that clean and finished product.
So I like the concept idea.
Some strong points.
Just needs a bit of editing work when it comes to the wording and formatting.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Dude... how can you even thread bump that epically?
I'm not a good critic, so I won't say much... But I liked reading it. The ending lines :
Don’t let worries get to you
Tomorrow is tomorrow
Today is today
Tonight is tonight when the fright goes away
are the best part, according to me. (I think some other word in place of 'fright' would be better)... Anyway, I enjoyed reading it.
Should be taken out completely. I read it without it, and it sounded so much better.
Galatea is right..."flied" is no word. It should be flown--or, could be fled. I think flown is more fitting though.
"Fright" was really, a strange word, I guess I should say for this type of poem, rather. Also, the second "tonight" isn't really needed in my opinion.
So, with changes, it could/should be:
Tonight is when all fear goes away.
Or, at least something very similar.
Other than that, I was able to understand, and I really liked this.
Oh dear...here we go....
Days gone by
Nights have flied------------(flown? fled? flied isn't a word, dear)
Wishes have been dreamt
Prayers left unsaid
Everyone is sleeping
Everyone but you
Creeping around
Up and down
Worrying to the ground
Pacing around ----------------(eliminate this around or the one two lines up)
Biting your nails
Speaking to yourself
What is on your mind?
What is keeping you up at night?
Is it tomorrow?
What does tomorrow hold?
A fear
A fight
A nice sunny day darken with fright-----(darkened with fright?)
You should sleep
Sleep in the bed next to you
Don’t let worries get to you
Tomorrow is tomorrow
Today is today
Tonight is tonight when the fright goes away---------(i like the rhyming, but the reader isn't stupid. Yes, today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. big deal.)
The biggest problem I have with this piece is that I just don't give a damn. So this person is up all night? Obviously the narrator doesn't care, and the indifferent tone leaves me, the reader, with the same sentiments. I like the simplicity of the language and the rhythm, so I'm not sure how to help you fix the problem of tone...but that's how it feels to me.