I am slowly sung to sleep with the lullaby of your arms;
I drift as the shades are pulled and my eyes cover themselves with Egyptian cotton sheets,
And my dreams consist of sugarplums and sugar-coated love songs,
Hidden, but unmistakable, under the carpet of your voice.
My confusion is your abandon,
And lust transforms itself in front of us, like a mouse trap catching a rat instead.
Death threats are empty as our hearts are full,
And clenched fists loosen over the knuckles of your hands. Voices tremble in their strength,
And weaknesses are forgotten when the ugly duckling is blind,
And the mirror is cracked.
Lady luck is too much of a tomboy to coincide with
The eagerness of spiders to make their webs around her.
Caught in a web of deceit and honesty,
Arachnophobia is a welcome nightmare.
Spilt milk is cried over, and blood is thicker than water,
But tears flood an ark with less than two of each animal.
When a door is shut, a window is open,
But the curtains are drawn and our hands are tied.
Dragged fingers on skin, red lines from the lust,
Crisscrossed on back muscles like lines on the sand,
Are not washed away under the storm of too many emotions.
A line in the sand is not enough to compare with the
Power and vigor of bruises and backseats.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
To me, a fitting analogy for this poem is 'a diamond in the rough'. I'm certain there is a superb poem in there somewhere. But as was said previous, you need to focus your ideas. You need to keep consistent with your thesis, or point your trying to make. It seems that you get caught up in a lot of superfluous metaphors and things that don't necessarily fit, so much so that you lose most of your central meaning. It all just kind of muttles together. Pick what you want to write about and speak the truth about it. But you can't have five metaphors right on top of each other and have no elaboration or explaination. Pick something and run with it. Focus your thoughts and keep it steady. I would love to see the revised edition if there is going to be one!
This seems like more of an exercise in vocabulary than anything else. I think I'd be able to appreciate this more if it didn't look like a thesaurus was puking abstract imagery all over it.
Interesting. Good. But only as a line itself. How does it tie in to the rest of the poem? It seems like it was thrown out there randomly without anything to justify its presence. In fact, most of the poem is like that. Neat-sounding lines sloppily strung together. Try to pick one or two central images/idea and FOCUS on them. You can write a poem without bringing up something new every line, I know you can.
Keep at it!
-Colleen
I really liked this, and your imagery is amazing.The flow was very good.My favourite parts were;
It's hard for me to say anything overy helpful about what you have here, as it's basically fine, but I would say that you get overly wordy at times, e.g:
[quote]Spilt milk is cried over, and blood is thicker than water,
But tears flood an ark with less than two of each animal.
And at times it felt like you were just saying "look at all the lovely ways in which I can express myself! I'll use them all!"
You really have a way with words and I love your fresh view on things, but I'd like to see you trying to engage more with the reader's emotions. Myabe cut down on your images, and what you're trying to say in the spcae of one poem, and go into it in more detail. Hoep this helps, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hey, Tess! Welcome to YWS! Just a note: it's very much advisable that you make at least 2 reviews before posting any poem/story/writing and continue on, keeping your reviews to writing in a ratio of 2:1. Read the rules and FAQ if you have any problems. (You can find it in the community forums under Welcome)
Ah, now, your poem. I'm not too good with poems here, so bear with me.
This was rather too long. If you read it out, the rhythm is rather off as the other sentences are shorter.
"Voices tremble in their strength" doesn't fit in the same line. Probably you should put it in a new one?
I'm not too fond of "and" repeating. I'd change the "and" to "as" here: As weaknesses are forgotten etc.
I guess the poem was rather nice in description and flow. I can't spot many mistakes, though, cause I'm feeling rather drowsy now(my apologies). Probably I'll check back later when I'm more alert. Hope I've been helpful! Good luck and again, hope you enjoy it here!
Fye.