the tears come;
breaking a dam she’s fortified
for weeks
months
they flow, meander, deep rooted river beds that leave marks she can’t erase
that grow stronger
stronger still;
stronger when the knock comes
on grand doors sealing her fragile heart
over the moat
over the spikes
the hollow cold
it’s the same knock
from a year and an half
the knock that opened the doors wide
left her gasping, bleeding
on the smooth marble floors
left her to pick her pieces
left her to mend what’s left
what she can keep
except when she peeps through the key hole;
she sees the shattered look of his face
wrecked, broken
wanting
pleading
the slayer’s on his knees
grasping onto the kitchen counter with knuckles gone white
her heart thrashing, pounding, over the party noise
his hand coming up to tangle in her tresses, tracing her gold clip
breathing her in like he hasn’t surfaced from that evening between the cars
has been tied under the sea with chains that he could never break
that pulled him deeper
ruined him for anyone else
her eyes meet his haunted ones
blown wide, taking her in
the knife he took to his heart in her hands
the mask cracked, lost in the sands
‘what are you doing to me?’ she asks,
his breathing comes out ragged
a wretched sob escapes his chest,
‘the same thing you’re doing to me’.
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This is sort of a continuation to my previous poem ( are you aware of my existence (or is it all just a dream)). While the first one talked about how she thought he didn't feel the same soaring feelings that she did with him, and is crushed by her assumed 'unrequited' feelings, this one talks about how he's felt the same way all along, and they've been hurting each other the whole time without realising it. So this one is set around a year or so in the future, so they're both in university now? They were in high school in the previous one.
I came up with a plot for these two poems before I made it into the lyrical format, so it was intended to be a prose first. But then I thought that a poem is much better at expressing what can't be expressed easily. Especially something like first love and the heartbreak that comes with it.
hello!! this is a great poem!!
for the first stanza, i have to say this metaphor is so great to show her breaking point—the tears break the "dam", that is her wall she's built up to protect herself from her feelings, and this sadness that comes with it completely consumes her, as she finally lets herself process this misery. the word "stronger" that is repetitive lets the audience process how deeply wounded she is while she's processing this itself, which adds a lot to the poem. i like how this "knock" on this door is not just a metaphor for the tears "breaking her dam", but also this long lost crush physically knocking at her door.
the contrast of how full and soft and wide a moat is, how full and dangerous spikes are, and how empty hollowness is, gives very unique comparisons. while you could argue that these terms here are jarring together (particularly "spikes" in compared to the other terms that are more associated/relevant to water), i think you could read it as giving more complexity to the "dam" she's built. how there are layers upon layers to how she guards herself.
the usage of physical violence as a metaphor to this extreme, mental pain is quite interesting! this way of metaphor is used throughout the poem, which definitely makes itself more unique, as while this poem is about the inside/the mental, much of how these emotions are revealed is through what's physical.
the shift in the poem to reveal this man's heartbreak is good! the build-up is really good! however, i did get a bit confused about where the characters were at during the third stanza. i felt the transition to metaphor to what's actually happening was a bit jarring to me- perhaps because the first part established the setting is a party. (edit note; i hadn't read the first part, so yeah.)
other than that, i think the last three stanzas were incredibly powerful. the dialogue, and well all of it, was just so impactful. this is a really, great poem. very well written. the language is so lovely here, and the metaphors flow really great!!
Thank you so much <3
you're welcome :3!!
Hi! It’s your friend CATS on behalf of team aliens! Also, I came to review because it looked very interesting. Let’s dive in!
First of all, I love the unique title of the poem, never seen anything like it!
I love how you associated the first paragraph with nature and other things, like her tears with a river and a dam. I think that is very unique and creative. It is also descriptive, adding a lot of detail that is easy to form a picture in the readers mind.
Oooo, the next part paints a picture I my mind about a Brocken lock hole that she is peeking through, reminds me of separation and a broken door. Nice!
The next paragraph gives me chills. Wow. So descriptive and captivated the reader.
The paragraph after reminds me of an abandoned, broken place in someone’s heart. I think this is the best part yet! The next two final paragraphs are a good finish. So good. I think you should keep writing poetry, friend! You are talented! Happy Writing!
Love,
CATS
Thank you, CATS!
Heheh