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How Alex got to camp half blood and how she met Clara

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I was begging my mom for weeks to let me get a cat. I was volunteering at the local animal shelter, so I already knew which one I would pick if I got one. She was a orange and black cat with a white tummy and neck. She had a black nose in which it was shaped in heart form, and had sparkling blue eyes that captured my heart. That was the first thing that caught my attention about her. They were so big, almost human. She was a 5 month kitten so she was still small. Everyday I would come in she would start meowing at me till I pet her. No one gave her a second glance when they saw her, because she was the runt of her litter. Her siblings were all adopted in the first week they were there. I gave her a name, Artemis, because I always have loved the Greek gods and their cultures.

Everytime my mom came to pick me up I would plead to get the kitten. Except today. Tori, my sponsor who worker who trained me, contacted my mom about how much of a bond I have with Artemis, and she convinced her to let me keep her. I was elated. I finally could take Artemis home! We stopped at the pet store to get some things for her. We got a deep purple almost black bed, with a collar that had little suns and music notes on it cause it was adorable. When we finally got home I brought Artemis up to my room. She curled up in my lap when I laid down to go to bed for the night.

I awoke with a start. There, on the side of my bed was a human figure. I fumbled around for the light switch to make sure I wasn't imagining this person. She was a human with dirty blonde hair, and the same sparkling blue eyes Artemis has. I didn't scream or call out for help, I just sat there staring dumbfounded at her.

“Well look who’s up,” She purred.

“Who are you!?”, I demanded quietly so I wouldn’t wake me mom.

“Well I’m Clara Paige, or as you know me Artemis,” She pauses “I was going through your binder and saw you know something about the greek gods.”

“So you were my cat, and then you came alive to go through my belongings, then ask if I know about the greek gods?,” I pause.. all at once I say, ’And yes, I know about the greek gods. I know about ten percent of all the gods. So I know a little..”

“Do you know who your father is?”, She ask me like it was the most casual question out there she could ask.

I never knew my father.. my mom told me some about him. Like he didn't want to leave but he was forced to. He never meant to have a kid. He loved my mom very dearly and once he sent me a gift. I was elated that he thought about me. All it was, was a simple hair clip with a skull on it. With a note in it saying as long as I had it, it would keep me safe. He didn't put a name.. all it said was, ‘Through love and death I will always love you, love dad’. It was the only thing I ever had of him. Except for this one picture. It was him holding me on his shoulders when I was about a year old.He had this brilliant grin on his face. My mom always told me that was the best year of his life, the year he spent with us. She never told me anything else. Not even his first name.

“No,not really. Why are you asking anyway?” I ask very confused.

“Well your dad, has come up from hell itself to come tell us to go get you. I wanted to do it personally because you, me and I guy you know from your school, jason, are assigned a quest to hell and back to retrieve “

“What me? It can't be me. They don’t even exist!”

“They do and you have to come with me if you want a chance of living” Clara says getting up and starts towards the window. I get up and reluctantly follow. That's when I looked out the window. There waiting on my roof was two pegasus. One gold and one silver. She jumps out the window and hops on the gold one and I follow. Here we are, off to camp half blood.

Comments & reviews · 3
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swax Comment

I think this story is really good, but, where did Clara say she was going to camp half blood? Ther is nothing really leading to camp half blood. Alex draws the conclusion that it's Greek gods but, it's never confirmed.

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erilea
Review
erilea wrote a review · Sun Jan 17, 2016 8:43 pm

OMG OMG IT'S CAMP HALF-BLOOD OMG OMG
Me being a really big Percy Jackson fan, you must excuse my behavior about this. I just love PJO.

There's a few things I need to fix in this piece. First of all, you would think that this character would have a bigger reaction learning about all this Greek god schist. Like, seriously, no screams? Laughs? Questions? Also, you technically never mention that this main character's dad is a Greek god (although I suspect he's Hades--am I right?) and when the MC says, "They don't even exist!", people don't know what you're talking about.

Second, there's a lot of issue with capitalization here. Proper nouns like names, Camp Half-Blood, and things like titles need to be capitalized. It gives the piece a much more refined feeling, you know?

Also, the punctuation is faulty. Sometimes you don't put periods or commas after sentences, and that's really bothering me. (Pet peeve of mine. :D) But yeah. If you would go through and fix that, that would be great and improve your writing by a lot.

You might want to mention how Clara is so calm about this and how she's turned into a cat. I mean, she probably just learned this too, right? So she might be kind of freaking out as well. And demigods don't just turn into cats, even with the help of the Mist. So...

There are lot more things in here from spacing to tenses, but I trust you will learn this while you're on this site and fix it gradually. I really like how you introduce the character, make it pretty clear that the character's going to this place (but maybe you want to point out what Camp Half-Blood is?). You might also want to consider the fact that adjectives and more description of emotions or thoughts would help! Hope you have more chapters soon and hope this helps!

XOX,
Artemis28

hey @Artemis28 I wanted to answer a few of your questions. I also love the pjo books by the way. Well Clara has been at camp since she was 6 so she knows a lot of that kind of thing. She has the blessing of Mars (Ares) so that's how she shape shifts into the cat. That will come into more play in the story that I'm starting.I wanted the more of calm reaction because she had these feelings about something was off with her life. So hope these clear some things up. I will fix grammar and capitalization. Hope this cleared things up. :)

Well, the blessing of Ares doesn't really allow people to shape-shift, as far as I know. Doesn't it make you invincible temporarily or something?

well if you have read the hoo books frank can shape shift and he is a son of mars (ares)

But he doesn't have the blessing of Ares. I have read the books, and Frank was just born with it.

yes but i wanted to do a take on it. I didn't want her to be a son of mars (ares) and the person that she is modeled after said she would like to have that ability so that is the only way i thought to word it.

Oh, okay. Nice job!

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Raindeer
Review

Hey, I love Percy Jackson and the Olympians/Heroes of Olympus! Hopefully my review today will help you in the future of writing fan fictions~!

All right-o, I'm going to start with a few nit-picky things;

Everytime my mom came to pick me up


Unfortunately, everytime is not a word. You're going to have to break it up. D:

“Who are you!?”, I demanded quietly so I wouldn’t wake me mom.


First, you can take away the comma! It's not nessecary ;D Second, I think there's a typo here. It should be "my mom".

Here we are, off to camp half blood.


Camp Half-Blood should be capitalized -- it's a place. Also, what a great cliffhanger!

“Well your dad, has come up from hell itself to come tell us to go get you. I wanted to do it personally because you, me and I guy you know from your school, jason, are assigned a quest to hell and back to retrieve “


You didn't really finish the sentence here! Whoops xP

I also noticed that you switch between tenses a lot (past and present). Be sure to stick to one! I have a lot of trouble with this, too, sometimes, and the best solution I have for you is to reread your works. And, if you can, read them out loud. That way you'll find anything that doesn't sound right ;)

If I were in Alex's position, I would be totally freaking out! Like, these things just came to life! What she thought were myths turned out to be real. I think you could express her emotion more in inner thoughts , dialogue, and show, not tell description. Showing and not telling is very important - it basically means to SHOW US (the readers) something, do not just simply TELL us. Example:

Instead of: "I was angry."

You can write: "The blood boiled in my veins and I felt like spewing out all the nasty words that had been bottled up inside of me. I saw a look of horror flash in John's eyes as I clenched my jaw and narrowed my eyebrows at him."

I love the concept or your story though, and I think I have a hunch that her father is Hades *wink wink* Keep writing!! ~~

~ EternalRain ^-^



First you broke my moustache, now you break my heart.
— MaybeAndrew