Published December 1, 2009
Edit Edit, Criticize criticize , thank you thank you
Brush my teeth with Evian
after I roll out of bed.
Drive to the corner for a soda-pop
in my Mercedes Benz.
When I saw man walking along the side-walk
said to him, get in my friend.
Looks like you've had quite a walk
from where you have been.
He said, no doubt it's been a long trot.
No worries though, I am still breathin'
Do you not even own a pair of flip-flops?
I asked the shoeless nomad with calloused skin.
I'll show you the way to a sumptuous place called walmart
a store filled to the brim
with everything from flat screens to pop-tarts,
It is a heavenly sin.
Know, you shouldn't worry about what you don't got,
He spoke again. Life can be sustained with only bare land.
Now, I do appreciate what you choose to rock,
like this pearl white Benz.
Didn't know this year had a pop top
and nice touch with the gold rims.
But, have you ever looked down on the tree tops
from the west bank along Jordan?
Climbed the cliffs of Konohaa,
a city side mountain in Japan?
Seen the beaches of Oahu
where the waves torture castles of sand?
You do speak of an intriguing plot.
I informed him, but my life is already filled with plans.
Own a flat with a nice view of the parking lot,
a complex that takes up six acres of land.
Don't think I am afraid, I'm not.
I dig wasabi and Japan.
It is just that, that I work a lot.
Besides, Blockbuster still rents out 'Godzilla and Rodan'.
Man, you live like a robot,
He said. With those automated hands
can you even turn on spot
while wearing the weight of all that glam?
I am not to judge, or so I'm taught.
It just saddens me to see your possessions owning you and not
the other way around.
Your time will run out, you will be distraught.
Unless, unless you open your eyes to see the beauty that lay above ground.
Really see that inner peace was never bought
it is found.
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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Ooh, I liked this! Reminds me of folksy music... got to love that stuff! Very lyrical.
However... why would your guy (in the Mercedes Benz) recommend Wal-Mart to the guy? It just seems a bit odd!
A couple of nit-picks:
Know, you shouldn't worry about what you don't got, <-- Know? That doesn't quite make sense as the first word.
Unless, unless you open your eyes to see the beauty that lay above ground. <-- "lay" should be "lies"
Still, I loved it. Really cool stuff here! A star for you!
I loved this piece.
I loved the
maybe this should be
stuffed with heavanly sin.
Because it feels a little strange right now.
Besides that, I thought it was a fabulous piece. The way they characters spoke to one another was fantastic, the he and I was almost unneeded because their voices seemed so definite.
Sorry if that wasn't all too constructive.
ps the rhyme scheme was invisible. Not sure if this is good--flawless execution or bad-- half-rhymes that don't register.
But keep writing,
Empress
Hello Choma, I appreciate your criticism! I added a couple edits, I agree with the excessive 'however' but is more appropriate. I am not going for anything profound, which is why I dropped so many brand names. I think the additions give the read a more effecient flow.
Thanks again
kay so this poem was decent I thought. here's one of my problems though:
"No worries though, for I am breathin'"
if you're trying to make this guy be confusing to the reader, then you can keep the inconsistency in his speech. but personally, "for" doesn't really fit in the same sentence as "breathin'". maybe you could say "no worries though, 'cause I'm still breathin'" or something to that effect. it should either be all casual diction, or all formal diction. i also found other instances of that inconsistency, like
" Didn't know this year had a pop top
and nice touch with the gold rims.
However, have you ever looked down on the tree tops
from the west bank along Jordan?"
The first stanza there is casual, then all of a sudden the guy gets all "however..." which is a bit more of a formal word if you ask me. you could just say "but have you ever looked...". so yea, stuff like that I'm not a big fan of.
other than that, I liked it. I rather enjoyed the fact that it had rhyme without a definite rhythm. granted, some of the rhymes worked better than others, but in general I thought it was good.
nice job overall :)