“Mom you’ve got to be kidding me! I told you I wanted to go to this party since two weeks ago! You said if I aced that test I could go!! Now you want me to take Meg trick or treating?!”
I perceived the exploding anger intensifying in my chest. I do everything for Meg, this party was for me and now I have to spend my Halloween night trying to cope with Meg telling her it wasn’t OK to go peeing in bushes. She went camping once with her Girl Scout troop and the theme of the camping trip was survival. So, they taught them how to use the restroom without a toilet; Lovely right? Ever since, whenever she wants to use the bathroom, she wants to pee in a bush. She’s queer.
“Mi’jita, I’m sorry dad is going out of town and I cannot miss this test.”
My mom started school again studding to be a teacher. I pondered that I wasn’t going to win this battle. I was mom’s only hope. Annoyed at the situation I rolled my eyes and retorted” yeah OK fine, whatever”
I went up to my room. I still had homework to do school and family is so grueling. I probed through my binder remembering I had a report to write. I warbled to myself as I got everything I needed out of my backpack. Suddenly Meg appeared at my door. She wore a robust wrestler Halloween costume. She wanted to be a wrestler for Halloween. She’s weird like that.
“Hey Emilie, should I wear this huge belt thingy? I don’t really like it but I think it makes me look more like a wrestler. “
She stopped and looked at me now looking through my drawers.
“ Oh and I wanted to use your eyeliner to draw a mustache on me.”
She grinned thinking it was cute. I’m giving up my awesome night so I can do this menial job of taking some snotty kids to go trick or treating and she’s here going through my drawers throwing all my makeup everywhere. She threw my favorite mirror with the little engraved daisies on it at the floor; it shattered. She looked up at me, shocked. I shot a look at her. Her eyes widened
“sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!!” she repeated over and over and over.
I shoved her out of my room as she shouted at the top of her lungs; sorry, sorry, sorry!!
We left at eight walking down the sidewalk Meg in her costume and me in a sweatshirt and jeans. I loved the smell of autumn; Cold wind blowing my hair back. Meg rushed down the sidewalk hugging her best friend Rita. We were going through the motion house to house
“trick or treat!!” squeaky little voices cried over and over. Again and again I had to dissuade Meg to not pee in a bush. I was losing it.
“Trick or treat!” yelled Meg. I was a little worn from chasing Meg everywhere so when I looked up I was shaken. It was Diego from school. He lived here?! He leaned down and dropped some candy into Meg’s pumpkin bag thing whatever it was. I couldn’t stop staring his eyes they were breath taking. He was Mexican and popular and gorgeous. I unwillingly looked down at my feet.
“Hey you’re that girl from my language arts class, right? You read that story about your grandpa.” He grinned, knocking me off my feet.
“I like that poem, you’re really good, I write poetry too.”
He ran his hand through his curly hair. Was he getting nervous?
“Thanks. Yea you’re uhh poem about your dogs eating your hamsters was pretty good too.”I replied mockingly.
He chuckled a deep scratchy adorable laugh.
“Do you want to come inside?” he asked.
OMG I was freaking out. My heart raced. Me? Inside HIS house??? I was about to nod when I heard and ear-piercing screech probably from a car. Then, a sickening ponderous thump. A body. I turned around to realize that the horrible heartbreaking scream came from a seven year old girl in wrestler suit. A stream of panic rushed over me. I hurtled myself toward the street. How did I not see her get away? I only talked to him for like thirty seconds. These thoughts flashed through my head and scattered way when I was the blood everywhere. I couldn’t muse what just had just taken place. It all happened so fast. My knees broke and I sank down on the ground. My throat closed up. I couldn’t breathe. Her twisted arm ripped me apart and emphasized my guilt. I beseeched God to not let this be real. I looked around frantically. A throng of people gathered around us. The people acknowledged what had happened I heard gasps everywhere.
“Oh my God!” a lady managed to say.
Other people started to participate gasping in shock. I was in tears sobbing making my shirt damp.
“I’m so sorry!” I whispered under my breath.
I was shaking. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!! I couldn’t look at her. She was like a dead rag doll. I felt sick. My stomach hurt badly. I felt like screaming but I couldn’t get it out. A loud siren broke me from my insulated thoughts. The bulky ambulance parked in front of Meg and I. Out stepped the prowess paramedics racing to us holding a stretcher and a breathing machine. I didn’t want to leave Meg but I was shoved aside before I could think about it. I tall man walked up to me and started to ask me who I was and some other questions I did’t fathom. Watching the men around Meg was super arduous. I felt nauseous again. Suddenly, I was leaning over throwing up all over the sidewalk. Then, all I remember was watching the sky and then my head hit the ground.
I woke up then next day in my bed. Confused, I sat up, but once I did, the horrible memory of what had happened rushed back to me. Meg. Where was she?
Mom!?” I yelled.
She rushed into the room.
"I’m here its OK I’m here"
She stroked my hair. We both broke into tears choking trying to speak. Meg ended up living, but lost her right arm. When I heard that news I bawled and bawled. I didn’t think I would have any tears left. Because of my stupid flirting my little sister lost her arm. It took forever for her to get better. We fostered her very well and I sucked up to her as much as I could. We talked more and she was so cute! I think this was the first time I listened to what she said because she was fascinating. It was then when I truly realized how thankful I was that she had survived. I could have missed the adventure of being her sister. I could have never lived that down. It was then that I realized that sometimes you have something really special in your grasp but don’t see it until you almost lose it. And sometimes, it’s too late. I couldn't’t believe she even talked to me after what had happened. She’s weird like that.
OK sorry you can ignore the weird vocab. but please critique all you want cuz i want to be a better writer!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It was pretty good. You pointed out your own vocabulary so the only thing i will say on that is it just doesn't mesh with your style of writing very well. i'm not going to pick at your grammar, but you're story seemed condensed. I wasn't captivated on it simply because there wasn't much to be captivated on, it needs some body to it or better ways to express your characters' emotions.
Wow, I didn't expect that. There were a few gramar problems here and there but I am horrible at grammar so what do I know? I did love the thought behind this story. It really made me think about my actions for some odd reason. I might have missed this part but how does the little sister get hurt? I was so into the reading I think I might have skipped that. I do think this would be awesome if you wrote more on to it! I reallly enjoyed this story even though it was kind of sad at one part. But other than that! I loved it!! Good Job!!
Heyy Emilie! Okayy so I'm going to critique your storyy, since youu asked me to over the phone. I bolded all my tips red. Kk? =]
Overall:
It was a good story. I loved the moral at the end, very nice.
You had good description, and it was intresting the whole entire time.
A tad bit boring at first, but it got pretty intresting quickly.
I'm gonna call you now to tell you I criqtiqued it! =]
Heyy Emilie! Okayy so I'm going to critique your storyy, since youu asked me to over the phone. I bolded all my tips red. Kk? =]
Overall:
It was a good story. I loved the moral at the end, very nice.
You had good description, and it was intresting the whole entire time.
A tad bit boring at first, but it got pretty intresting quickly.
I'm gonna call you now to tell you I criqtiqued it! =]
Hiya! I'm Cat and I'll be reviewing you today!
One thing that we are pretty picky on YWS is our grammar and spelling. There were a whole lot of those type of mistakes throughout the whole post. A lot of missing punctuation is a lot of the problem. You might want to look back over that and correct it.
Also, here is another thing you did throughout the whole post:
This is a long paragraph. Too long.
Every time there is a new line in dialogue or another person speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. Here is an example.
"Hi,"said Cat. "Hi!" said Peanut.
Instead of that, do this.
"Hi," said Cat.
"Hi!" said Peanut.
See? That helps clear up some confusion while reading something. If it's all crammed in there, you are not sure who is speaking.
I loved all the vocabulary used. Not many people, including me, use that type of vocabulary that much. I wish I could. Good job though!
Another thing that bothered me: we never found out what happened to her sister. Was she in a car accident? You never said. I'm curious!
Just remember to look over that punctuation and grammar.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
comments?!?!