But when her gaze met the man's, she found herself lost again in the alpine. Barefoot and hungry, her chest ached for the taste of sweet mountain air as she scrambled alongside the herd of cumulonimbus clouds, urging her further and further up towards her God, Helios. And when she broke through the cover of trees only to find His adulteress, the moon, she gasped to finally give way to the rush inside of her; to choke by the pressure of the highest altitude, and let herself be consumed by their light once and for all.
Yet somehow she saw no longer their light, but the darkness surrounding them. And suddenly, wrought by fear, the girl sank to her knees, trembling. The sodden ground beneath her was no more made of soil than of her own flesh, and in her grief she could not help but collapse into the mass of tissue surrounding her, until the mountainous range appeared to morph into a strange and twisted Aphrodite, begging for the justice of higher gods.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,048 Literary Works • 676,454 Reviews
I understand this is a short story that throws us right into it, hence, there is clearly action that had taken place before now, but I would probably strike the 'But' and just start with 'when.'
I do kinda feel like I'm missing out on what might be a great larger story!
I love this! Though, I think just saying 'she ached' rather than 'her chest ached' works better because it makes the longing belong to her whole self rather than just one organ, which suits the passage, as she then dissolves into the mountain, so an ache with no fixed location prepares the reader for a body with no fixed edges.
I would replace 'to' with 'and' and 'give' with 'gave' and then end that sentence there, and have the second beginning with, 'Choked by the pressure of the highest altitude, she let herself be consumed by their light once and for all.'
A quick physics note: High altitude means thinner air and lower pressure, so she’d choke on too little air, not too much pressure, and you choke on things, not by them.
I think the complex sentence is beautiful, but it is also preceded by a long sentence and chopping it up just gives a bit of variation and feels more like giving way and choking, rather than one seamless action.
I'd put a comma and have these two joined together.
This is the strongest image in the whole piece. It's a properly abject idea, and the mountain range becoming a body is a very unsettling image.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. The prose is very strong and I'd love to read something longer!
Hia and welcome! I would love to know how you made your cover art! It looks interest~
Let me start with a general writing tip: Do not skip out on summaries XD It might be that you think the story is not up to par but let the readers first judge that before you poison the well (Especially since you have typos in the summary xd)
If you have genuine questions abt your story or things you want to improve in, that’s what closing A/Ns are for (or you can put your worries into a pinned comment under your chapter)
Yes, I am a big fan of letting the work speak for itself =D
I am curious about the appeals to Greek mythology and that she places Helios as her specific god. And in that metaphor, the moon is Selene, but I wasn’t aware they were in a relationship… (I know this is more about the moon and sun themselves but still!)
I am also curious… is she looking into the eyes of the man (what man?), having an entire emotional journey over clouds and stuff to finally see god in his eyes and then she falls to her knees, still in front of the guy? =D
Overall you have some striking imagery in your piece. Makes me almost feel as if I’m reading a poem =D