Sorry about the change, I decided to make the Prologue about something in the end of the book/story so here goes nothing.
I stared into Cleopatra's golden eyes.
"What have you done?" I yelled, tears running down my face. She stared at me coldly.
"I have done what has been needed to be done." I shook my head in frustration. How could this be needed to be done? This monstrosity?
"You... I thought you were my friend!" I yelled at her in fury. She laughed humorlessly, gold eyes intense and brimming with hatred, then pushed me into the wall of the dungeon.
"Your friend?" she paused to laugh again. "You thought I was actually your friend?! I mean, I knew I was a good actress but I didn't think I was that good!" I wiped the blood from my mouth and got up to give her a hard punch in the jaw. She growled but I dodged her swipe at me.
"This isn't you, Cleopatra! This is the person that Harry made! I know you are in there somewhere!" For a moment I thought I saw a flicker of my old friend in her eyes, but it quickly disappeared and she swiped at me; I didn't dodge it this time. Blood ran across my cheek where she had scratched me.
"Go ahead. Kill me. Kill your 'best friend in the world'," I cried.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooooh well this is certainly quite the prologue here. I have to say its not too often you run into a piece that is this short and you still manage to feel an effect quite this powerful at the start. Its the classic betrayal sort of scenario that from the little information we get seems to be the usual plan of someone having messed with another person's mind in some way or the other, but despite that slightly cliche premise, the way you bring this across really manages to put us on the edge of our seats right away.
That ending there leaving the whole thing very much open was quite nicely done I think. It is the old sort of mental dilemma there but it most definitely works even if it isn't the most unique of situations there. At any rate, it still works pretty well and it does present a really nice cliffhanger there which immediately makes you want to find out where this is all coming from and what ends up happening next.
So overall I'd say this is a pretty solid prologue right here. It definitely manages to do its job quite well I'd say.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Taytay, thanks again for the review! This is quite short so there won’t be too many nitpicks!
Maybe you should have her say the bit about ‘this’ needing to be done. I’m not sure. Also, I don’t know whether monstrosity fits here. Just a thought, I’m weird anyways!
Intense. Although I’m English, so it may be different there.
I don’t think you’re allowed a question mark as well as an exclamation mark… not sure.
At me… at me. You say it like that twice, you could lose one of the ‘at me’s’.
Tell us what emotion it is, it could make all the difference.
Okay, like I said, not much! This is good so far, I will definitely read on. It’s very compelling and interesting. Although, it could be a little longer, it needs more detail. Just a thought. This is a really good idea from what I can see so far. On to the next bit!
~ Roon
Hellooo there! EmmaJane here.
So, I'll start with nit-picks first.
Cleopatra, may I say, is an amazing name. One of my favourites, actually. ^^
Right, I'm not sure why "golden" has a capital "g". Turn it into a lowercase "g".
Scrap the "in".
What wall? Where'd that come from?
More description needed.
Comma after "you".
I'm thinking maybe you should turn it into two separate sentences.
...swiped at me. I didn't...
So it's not a looong sentence. Short, sharp, snappy sentences are better for action scenes.
That much blood from a scratch? Okay, it may be a deep one. If so, say it's deep, 'cause I'm thinking nothing more than a graze or something.
Again, unnecessary capitalisation here.
Mmm. More needed. This may be a scene later on in your story, but if it's your prologue we don't know anything other than what you've revealed in the actual prologue. I'm not asking for billions of ridiculously long paragraphs, but it'd be nice to know where they are. I mean, the wall comes out of nowhere. o.O Describe the little fight more. Pain (physical). It's lacking. What are they feeling?
You're telling this, rather than showing it.
Telling: He stared at me then laughed.
Showing: He stared at me, golden eyes intense and brimming with open curiosity. Then the serious look melted and he threw back his head with a booming laugh.
Meh, bad example, but you get the idea, right?
Showing is far more valued than telling. It's more descriptive. It's more interesting. It's more imaginative. It's ... just better. ^^
Yeah, this is a prologue, so the hook needs to be: "Oh Gawd! I'd die if I didn't find out what happens next, right now!" Sort of stuff.
"I stared into Cleopatra's Golden eyes" doesn't really do it for me. Maybe add something before "golden".
...into Cleopatra's, (intense/cold/unforgiving), golden eyes. Or change the hook. "I knew then she was going to kill me." *shrugs*
Interesting. I will be reading more. Dialogue was very good.
For such a short piece, I get a good sense of what's going on. Although, this, as a reader, makes me wary of Cleopatra, so I may be mistrustful of her when you introduce her. And I'll be looking out for anyone called "Harry". :S
Looking forward to reading more.
Hope I helped,
~EmmaJane~
nice. this has a great use of descriptions. i quite liked it and i cant wait to read more
A couple of questions though...
1. This is at the end of the book, right
2. I didn't understand why the Cleopatra chick was trying to kill her friend
that's about it. I'm going to read the next bit right now
I agree, it does sound like House of Night with faeiries o_o
One tip here, this is a prolouge/preface, no? You give as little detail as possible in one of these, don't give too much away, don't say names. This is very short as well, I'd like to see a longer peice.
There are some grammar/punctuation mistakes throughout this as well, I'd prefer that you locate them, MicrosoftWord is a good helped for this
--
The Gekko
I read that book about a year ago and you're right, I must have been doing that without even thinking about it. I'm going to change it up though, Like calling the faerie to bes sprites instead. And deidrum won't go all syco vampire/faerie on them. (and she'll just be called the headmaster) No affinaties from a goddess either and stuff. i won't make it all house of night but faeries.
Seems rather House of Night with faeries to me...
Hiya Taytay and welcome to YWS. I don't believe we've met before *shakes hand* I'm Selene and I'll be your reviewer this evening.
I. Nit-Picks
Change "hott" to hot.
I would change "mylady" to something else, like ma' lady.
II. Originality
This sounds exactly like The House of Night series. Ever heard of it? Aphrodite's a character in it, and the guy aspect of this sounds like it. Also, the headmaster, Deidrum, sounds exactly like Neferet. "Pledgling" sounds awfully similar to "vampyre fledgling." The only variation I saw was that it was about a "Faerie Finishing School" instead of the House of Night "Vampyre Finishing School." This sounds more like a fanfic than an original idea...
Truthfully I didn't like that series. It sounded too much like a typical vampire story, romance and all. The characters were bland, as well, and childish. They're world could've been enhanced to make a more enthralling story so easily, so perhaps you'll do that with this Faerie world? I'd like to see some unique details, like how maybe there are different fairies or the guys are abnormally small. Those are just suggestions.
I want to see your own ideas on this, not just ones from books. Will I be seeing that in up-coming chapters?
III. Overall
I'd really like to see this with your own thought put into it. All writing takes research, so I'd like to see some creativity in this in up-coming chapter. The romance portion of this is lovely, by the way. I enjoyed reading about Aphrodite and James, because they seem like very likable characters. ^^ I'll be looking forward to reviewing more of your work.
Well, as you can tell, I added on to it some more so that it tells you a little more about james, he's a guy, and of course since it's in Aphrodite's point of view, more about her. Deidrum i'm thinking about being kind of mysterious, but helpful and a good mentor for Aphrodite. Of course, the conflict is going to happen, in fact, in the beggining I was thinking about giving it some conflict between her,her father, step mother, and stepsister, when they figure out that she's a faery and that will explain why her boyfriend had to take her instead of a parent. And then, of course, some romance and fight scenes will go on when she actually gets there.
As you might have also noticed, I did tweek it up a bit, and I did put the comma between said and with, (I really don't see how I missed that)
When I make more points I will be making chapter one of it (that's where the parental conflict happens) and hopefully it will be okay too.
I would seperate the part that desribes his actions, maybe like this:
"Jaems looked at me with his usual handsom smile and said, with a sweeping bow and a very cheesy voice."
Seperate it, like that? Maybe, or it could just be me...
Thats about it, it sounds really good. PM me whenever you have more up!
Hiyas, Taytay!
Welcome to YWS.
This story has a wonderful idea behind it, something that just catches my attention. However, do have a few nitpicks.
I know that this humongous is away from the first time you used it, but I find that using such an uncommon word so close together takes away from the flow of the story. This can be fixed easily, however, if you just change one of the words.
There should be an 'I' before stared. ^-^
Keep up the good work, Tay, and keep writing.
PM me if you have any questions. ^-^
~Mira