Faery Finishing School Chaper 1

I yawned and rubbed my eyes. I had stayed up all night working on my History report and I had only gotten two pages out of it. That meant I was going to make a C minus if my haggish teacher didn't hate it as much as she hated me. One time, she had given me detention for being ten minutes late in class. I know that might sound reasonable, but I had been going to the bathroom, and I had told her before I went. I really don't know why she hates me so much, one time I did hear her say something about always ignoring her though.

My train of thought was interrupted by a small knock at my door. My little step-sister, Melody, peeped her head through my open door.

"Um... Hi Pandora," she said in a quiet, shaky voice.

"What is it Melody?" I asked, letting my annoyance at her petite and perfectness show. She looked hesitant at first but when she saw my glare she spoke up.

"Mom wants to talk to you about your grades,"she whispered almost inaudibly. I ran my fingers through my silvery hair.

"Tell her I said I'm working on it," I said, "and that I can't understand why a hag from hell like her would care about me." I paused then added. "And tell her to quit stealing my stuff, it's getting really annoying." Then an alarmed Melody ran out the door.

I sighed then decided that I should probably lock my door before my step-mother, Misty, came barging in.

So I did just that and, apparently, just in time too.

"Pandora! You better open this damn door or you will be in a world of pain when your father gets home!" I know, not a normal thing a step-parent would say to their step-daughter, right? Well my life's not normal so get used to it.

I let Misty do that all night, I was used to it. In fact, I usually have trouble going to sleep without her voice screaming and cursing at me all night. My dad never seemed to care either. Actually, the only one who seemed to have a problem with it was Melody, and no one except me knew since she was always so perfect around my dad and Misty.

The next morning at the Jones residence (my house) everything went on as usual: Misty sleeping in her cereal, Melody crying, and Dad reading the newspaper.

After breakfast we all got into the car and left. Misty was dropped off at the mall with credit card in hand, Melody went to the 4th grade building all neat and tidy as usual, then I was dropped off at the high school.

"Hey Pandora!" yelled my boyfriend, James, when I got out of the car. I vaguely wondered if he had spent the night on the front lawn of the school waiting for me again, before I noticed that he was on a motorcycle.

"What the hell?!" I yelled at him. He looked hurt and pouted. I ran to him and said,

"What are you doing! Don't you know that it's illegal to ride a motorcycle without a motorcycle licence?!" He smiled at me and winked.

"I have a licence Pandora," He said, grinning ear to ear. I raised my eyebrows. I never would have thought that he would get a licence, let alone a motorcycle one, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

"Good for you," I said as cheerfully as I could. He hopped off the motorcycle and kissed me on the cheek.

"You took it better than I thought you would," he said with wide eyes. I shrugged and started walking toward the school doors. We walked in silently with our hands clasped.

When we got to my locker he gave me a kiss again.

"See ya later babe!" he said.

"See ya," I answered him, putting on my most enthusiastic smile.

I tried to sprint past the only girl in the hall besides me, but then she came toward me, clearly wanting to say something.

Not that I have a problem with goths, but this one was scarier than all of the the ones I had seen. She had peircings in every place possible, tatoos of skulls and little devils and such all up her arms. I took almost all of my will to give her a lopsided smile.

"Yes?" I asked as pleasantly as possible. Then the girl made strange figures with her hands in front of my face and said some incomprehensible words. Then, after remembering that one day where we learned about real fictional creatures in social studies class, I realised what she was; A faery.

I tried to run away from her but she grabbed the back of my jacket. I struggled, punching and kicking her, but she gave no reaction. I gave up, then, and waited for her to finish her spell.

When she was done she let go of my jacket and said,

"Report to the Faery Finishing School or you will die in the next 16 hours." Then she disappeared, and I fainted.

Comments

Points: 2154
Reviews: 119

Donate

Fri Aug 14, 2009 7:40 pm

roon wrote a review...

Hello, Roon again! Okay, as before I’ll start with nitpicks.

That meant I was going to make a C minus if my haggish teacher didn't hate it as much as she hated me. One time, she had given me detention for being ten minutes late in class. I know that might sound reasonable, but I had been going to the bathroom, and I had told her before I went.

Why does the teacher hate her, is there a reason? There should be, you can’t just give us this information without a reason.

My train of thought was interrupted by a small knock at my door. My little step-sister, Melody, peeped her head through a small crack in my open door.

If it’s a small crack how did she fit her head through? you say open and crack, you need to make your mind up lol!

"Um... Hi Pendora," she said in a quiet, shaky voice.

Pendora? Or is it Pandora? Are you trying to use the name without tying her to Pandora?

silver-like

Silver-like hair? If it’s like silver then I think you should say silvery. I’m not sure.

"Hey Pendora!"yelled my boyfriend, James,

You need to leave a space between Pandora” and yelled.

I vaguely wondered if he had spent the night on the front lawn of the school waiting for me again before I noticed that he was on a motorcycle.

I think you should have a comma after again.

I never would have thought that he would get a licence. Let alone a motorcycle one, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

I assumed that you were talking about a motorcycle licence before you said let alone… Anyways, maybe you should have a comma instead of a full stop after licence.

We walked silently in, the only sign that we were walking together was our clasped hands.

I think you should say we walked in silently. Also, I don’t really understand why you’ve put in the bit about the only sign? Surely that’s the only sign you need, if you’re trying to imply there was no talking or chemistry between the two, you’ve basically already said the with the silence.

I sprinted past the only girl in the hall besides me, but then she came toward me, clearly wanting to say something.

You’ve already said she’s sprinted past her so she wouldn’t know if she was walking towards her. You could say she tried to sprint past her.

Not that I have a problem with goths, believe me I don't, but this one was darker, more gothic, than all of the goths I had seen.

How many times did you say goth or gothic here?

She had peircings in every place possible, and tatoos of skulls and little devils and such all up her arms.

And and and.

"Yes?" I asked as pleasantly as possible. Then the girl made strange figures in front of my face and said some incomprehensible words.

Did she make the figures with her hands? If so then make it clear.

Then, after remembering that one day where we learned about real fictional creatures in sociall studies class, I realised what she was; A faery.

Social. Also faerie or fairy are the usual spellings. So the mortals know about the mythical creatures here? Interesting.

I tried to back away from her but she grabbed the back of my jacket.

If she’s backing away, then she would not be able to reach the back of her jacket.

I gave up,then, and waited for her to finish her spell.

Space before then.

Okay, I think that’s it! Yay, so this is really good so far. It’s intriguing. The way you leave this chapter on a cliff-hanger makes us want to read on, your character is beginning to develop, but I still don’t feel that I know her very well. The boyfriend isn’t really introduced very well, I don’t feel I know him at all. Why is she surprised he has a licence? Why is she slightly mad at him for getting one? Why is there no chemistry to speak of between them? Is their relationship fading? We need to know these things more than we need to know that her history teacher hates her.

However! Your storyline is compelling, as are your characters, well what we’ve seen of them anyways. So far the only senses you’ve used are touch and sight, make use of the others so we can really understand and ‘feel’ your story.

You clearly have a lot of talent, your vocabulary is excellent and your technique is fantastic, your writing style seems effortless. Your imagination helps us to use ours. Well done, this is a great writing accomplishment, it grabs our attention and I personally can’t wait to read the next bit!

Thank you for posting!

~ Roon

Points: 1068
Reviews: 582

Donate

Sun Aug 09, 2009 1:41 am

KJ wrote a review...

Hey. I can see that you've gotten more than your fair share of nitpicks, so I'll lay off on those. I'm just going to tell you all about what I felt needs improvement. If I sound mean, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be. I just want to help

A couple things that bothered me a lot was the tone you've set for the story and your MC's voice. It all happens so fast, and your MC is, honestly, just a brat. She annoys me. Maybe you mean for it to be this way, but I didn't enjoy the piece because of her attitude.

Oh, and something else. You did this a lot: "Hello!" yelled someone. I just think it looks and reads better the other way around: "Hello!" someone yelled.

Also, try to get rid of those little details that you don't need. They clutter up the chapters and just get to the reader. Example? Well my life's not normal so get used to it. We kind of get this.

One last item I want to suggest tweaking: Hook. It could be better. I"m tired, so right now I can't think of a good example, but I bet you could come up with something far more creative. Something that will grab the reader and drag us into the story.

That's it. Keep writing, and good luck with your editing.

KJ

Points: 4209
Reviews: 389

Donate

Fri Aug 07, 2009 11:30 pm

SeraphTree wrote a review...

Sup, Taytay.

During our 1st semester assembly she told the whole school the we were going to cause her to quit her life time dream of being a teacher. It's not our fault she decided to teach for thirty years though. That was definitely all her.

I agree with Bickazer here; this seems unrealistic- none of my teachers were ever like this, and neither were any of my friends teachers. Maybe it seems that way, but really isn't.

"What is it Melody?" I asked, letting my annoyance show.

A reason for her annoyance would be good; it seems odd, considering how Melody is acting.

Melody, and no one cared about her problems since she whined about everything all the time.

Sorry, this sounds completely out of character for Melody; I get the impression she's more fearing for her life than being a whiny little brat.

then I was dropped off at the high school looking like a normal human being.

This doesn't make sense; why wouldn't she look like a normal human?

"I have a licence Pendora!" He shouted

Why is he shouting right in front of her?

Then, after remembering that one day where we learned about real fictional creatures in sociall studies class, I realised what she was; A faery.

This seems.... a bit too fantastic. Yes, we learn about mythical creatures, but generally, there are very few details about them- especially what they look like, how they act, etc., because there are so many variations on the myths of fairies. It would make more sense if she had read a lot about fairies, or somehow attained that particular knowledge about them.

I tried to back away from her but she grabbed the back of my jacket. I struggled, punching and kicking her, but she gave no reaction. I gave up,then, and waited for her to finish her spell.

Add some thoughts here; is she freaking out, going into panic mode? Does she scream? Why does no one help her? Details.

Overall, it's good. A bit rushed for a beginning, and we need to get to know the character better before something happens to her; give her a life before she leaves.

*Seraph*

Points: 1390
Reviews: 8

Donate

Thu Aug 06, 2009 8:52 pm

The Gekko wrote a review...

Hi there! The Gekko is here again.

This still sounds like the Hous of Night, I mean, exactly. She has a step-parent and a parent that doesn't care, fix this, please.

Okay, I don't like Aphrodite, at all. She seems like a snobbish Queen B. As the readers we are supposed to relate to our narrator, feel sorry for her, confide in her. Try going through rough drafts and experiemtning with different personalities.

James needs to be more defined as a character, after all, this is your intro chapter. Describe the family more, the house more, detail Aphrodite, give her flesh, let us have her senses as we read.

--
The Gekko

Points: 4198
Reviews: 157

Donate

Thu Aug 06, 2009 8:41 pm

Bickazer says...

And I'm back with the rest of the review.

He hopped off the motorcycle and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

This would be better phrased as "kissed me on the cheek".

"You took it better than I thought you would," he said in a surprised voice.

What does a surprised voice sound like? I can't picture this. Show his surpise in his eyebrows raising or his eyes widening.

I just shrugged and started walking toward the school doors.

"Just" is a word that my English teacher would call lard: a pointless word that weighs down the prose. Excise it.

We walked silently in, the only sign that we were walking together were our grasped hands.

This is a comma splice; it'd sound most natural if you removed the second "were".

"Grasped hands" is a bit of an awkward phrasing--exchange for "clasped hands", maybe?

When we got to my locker he gave me a peck on the cheek.

This is a bit repetitive since James already kissed Aphrodite. Maybe say something like "he kissed me again".

"See ya later babe!" he said basically bursting with joy.

This sentence could do without the entire "basically bursting with joy" bit. His words should be enough to convey his joy.

"See ya," I answered him, making my most enthusiastic smile.

I don't tend to think of people "making" smiles; more putting them on. Something to keep in mind.

The hallway was empty except for me and some goth kid, and I was ready to get out of there.

There's something about this sentence that bothers me. It doesn't seem like the two clauses logically connect with each other, so it feels disjointed. I think you could do without the entire second clause.

I walked past the girl, but then she walked up to me, clearly wanting to say something.
Not that I have a problem with goths, believe me I don't, but this one was kinda freakier than all of the goths I had seen. I took almost all of my will to give her a lopsided smile.

Here's where one of the major problems with your prose comes to play full force. It's vague. Too vague. You use very basic language--"walking", "kinda freakier", etcetera, that paints only the vaguest of vague pictures in the reader's head. We have to be able to picture this exactly as it happens, but the simplicity of the prose is making clear imagery difficult.

Don't dump on adjectives and adverbs in an effort to add more description--rather, use stronger verbs. It seems Aphrodite is nervous, so perhaps she'd try sneaking or tiptoeing past the girl. The girl seems confident, so maybe have her saunter up to Aphrodite. And describe her, too, beyond just "freaky". I can't picture that, and many readers will have different images of what a freaky Goth looks like. Give us Aphrodite's image of a freaky Goth. Feel free to go in detail in describing her, as that will further accent her freakiness.

I like the bit about the "lopsided smile", though. That's some strong, specific language with a clear mental image.

I'm not going to comment on the rest, because quite frankly it shouldn't be nitpicked--it should be removed entirely and then rewritten. Expanded, preferably.

It happens far too quickly. It feels sudden and like a very violent whiplash. I was enjoying this piece a lot until the end--it was a story of a girl's normal day, going at a gentle pace that wasn't rocketing fast but didn't plod, either. And then we got this end, where this Goth girl suddenly, for no reason, starts doing magic and Aphrodite realizes in a flash that the girl is a faery, which only raises more questions. How does Aphrodite know this? Is she into researching fantastical creatures? If that's the case, then have some indication of that from the beginning. If it's supposed to be a mystery, it's handled rather clumsily.

I'm fine with not knowing "why" the faery girl chose to attack Aphrodite and deliver that ominou smessage, since I assume it's a mystery that will be answered next chapter, but what I'm not fine with is how completely out of the blue it is. You have a story that could be otherwise an ordinary high school story, but suddenly at the very end you throw into our faces this faery girl. This story is an urban fantasy, yes, but if you want to introduce fantasy elements, introduce them early on. From the very beginning, instead of suddenly throwing them into our faces. Take the Harry Potter books, which open with a fantastical scene (Dumbledore and McGonagall's conversation, if I remember correctly) and then even the scenes with the Dursleys' normal lives are shaken by the bizarre magical happenings that go on around them that they don't understand. Introduce strange elements from the beginning, that will have us questioning from the get-go the ordinaryness of your ordinary setting. Then the faery girl's appearance won't come as such a sudden shock.

I enjoyed reading this, actually. Aphrodite's voice is developed and clear, though gets a little too informal at time, and I squeed out loud at the scenes between her and James (seriously, you hit the nail on the end in what I like to see in a romantic relationship). I was hesitant at first because she seemed a tad bratty at the beginning, but that's evened out because I understand why she behaves that way, given what her stepmother is like (though I'd like to know why). Though your writing is rather sparse and you definitely need more details--I don't even know how any of these character looks, which is hurting my ability to visualize them--it also isn't disgustingly purple and for the most part is clear and carries the reader from one point to the other with ease. And I love how you did make an effort at introducing the fantasy elements with some mystery attached to them, instead of forcing on the reader the dreaded infodump. After seeing far too many pieces on YWS that start with "You may not know it but vampires and werewolves and fairies actually exist, here's how they're like...list how vampires are like, list how werewolves are like, etcetera", it's great to read a piece that tries for subtlety in introducing the fantasy elements.

And I hate bringing age into this, but I really must say: for your age, you already have a strong grasp of the basics of writing. Nothing I crapped out at that age could compare to this. ^^

That being said, I had two main issues with this piece: the "why", and sparseness in description.

The "why" is the most important. As I said earlier, that question is the fundamental question behind any work of fiction. Why is everything happening the way it is? In real life, it's acceptable for things to be random and nonsensical, but unless you're trying to write some bizarre avant-garde piece, that is not acceptable in fiction. If the reader knows the reason for everything, then they'll be more willing to suspend their disbelief (especially important in fantasy) and become more engaged in the story. Right now, there are a lot of "why"s I would like to see answered:

Why is Aphrodite's stepmother so mean to her, and why does she try breaking into Aphrodite's room?

Why did her father marry her stepmother in the first place?

Why doesn't her father listen to Melody?

Why did the faery girl reveal herself to Aphrodite?

The last one, I feel, will get answered next chapter, and it's probably the only plot-important one. Still, an answer to the other ones will make me feel more satisfied and your characters more developed.

I think I've already commented on the sparseness of your prose, but I'll bring it up again. Your style isn't overly verbose and works well for this kind of story, but I still want to be able to picture things. Aphrodite's room. Aphrodite herself. Her family members. James. Her school. Most importantly, the faery girl. Now, don't go overboard with description dumps (ugh), but sneak in a mention here and there. Eye colors, hair colors, builds. You can lavish more description on the faery girl since hers is plot important.

Much of this piece could use expansion--I'd really like to see more of Aphrodite's interactions with her family. I was intrigued by the sparse details you offered but would be more satisfied with a more in depth look. Especially at her father, whose presence was largely absent here. And the entire end scene really needs to be longer (and not end with a copout like Aphrodite passing out...) to give it more impact.

All in all, good work--I'll definitely be reading more of this. ^^ Don't know if I can get as in-depth, though...

PM if you have any questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors.

Points: 4198
Reviews: 157

Donate

Thu Aug 06, 2009 7:17 pm

Bickazer wrote a review...

Hi, taytay, I'll be your reviewer for today. Be warned I will get incredibly nitpicky, and I'll point out phrasings that trouble me even if I have no suggestions on how to fix them.

She hates the whole high school. I'm not joking, she has some serious teenager issues. During our 1st semester assembly she told the whole school the we were going to cause her to quit her life time dream of being a teacher. It's not our fault she decided to teach for thirty years though. That was definitely all her.

This may be my dislike of teen genre stories speaking, but I really want to know the reason why. To a teenager in history class with a mean teacher, sure, the teacher may seem one-dimensionally evil and exist only to loathe her students, but the teacher ought to have deeper reasons. Seeing as I hate most teenagers myself, I'm willing to bet her class makes it unpleasant for her. Remember: adults are three-dimensional characters too!

(Can you tell...I despise the "teen saves the day, adults are useless" trope?)

I do like how you're making the main character's thoughts wander while she's supposed to be working on the assignment. It's very realistic and relatable, as it happens to everyone. Otherwise I'd say the musing about the teacher has no point, but because it helps humanize the main character, it does so you should keep it.

My endless thoughts were interrupted by a small knock at my door.

Not liking the "endless", as there is no real indication that the MC's thoughts are indeed "endless".

step - sister

No spaces around the hyphen.

Apparently her mom had told her that I had killed our pet chiwawa or something because she was completely freaked out by me.

"Chihuahua" is how it's spelled, and also, I'm getting a little uneasy with the informality of your prose. It gives your MC a strong voice from the beginning and is very much like how a real teen speaks; I don't know if it works for prose, though. Even first person prose should have some level of formality to it, more than everyday speech.

It's the "completely freaked out" that's bugging me. Try showing Melody's completely-freaked-out-ness. Such as her trembling or wide-eyed or not directly addressing Aphrodite.

I ran my fingers through my silver like hair.

"Silver-like"? I can't really picture this; elaborate on it.

"Tell her I said I'm working on it," I said, " and that I can't understand why a hag from hell like her would care about me."

I was liking Aphrodite until this point. Now she comes across as petty and immature. No matter how much a teenager might hate her mother, referring to her as a "hag from hell" is going overboard.

Also, just like with the history teacher, you're going on "informed attributes"--telling us that the history teacher is mean, the mother is a hag from hell, without showing that they really are like that. It makes their characterizations come across as the capricious opinions of a somewhat bratty teenager.

Ah, hold on, it's her stepmother? Agggh, don't fall into the "evil stepmother" trap, please...

"Aphrodite! You better open this damn door or you will be in a world of pain when your father gets home!" I know, not a normal thing a step-parent would say to their step-daughter, right? Well my life's not normal so get used to it.

This is good--it shows that the stepmother really is a hag from hell. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that either. O_o

I would like to know why the stepmother behaves this way. Again, that pesky "why"--but the "why" is the most important question when you're writing fiction. Without it, your characters are just doing things for no reason. Why does the stepmother want to get into Aphrodite's room?

In fact, I usually have trouble going to sleep without her voice screaming and cursing at me all night.

Nice detail and a piece of black humor. I could get a measure of Aphrodite's sort of cynical, world-weary voice without it being over the top.

My dad never seemed to care either.

Prepare for it: why?

Actually, the only one who seemed to have a problem with it was Melody, and no one cared about her problems.

Why~y~y?

The next morning everything went on as usual: Misty sleeping in her cereal, Melody crying, and Dad reading the newspaper. Yep, that's just a normal morning at the Jones residence.

I don't like the reiteration of "a normal morning". You already say that the morning is normal, so there's no point restating it. Cut the last sentence (if you put it in to sneak in the last name, you could always put the "in the Jones residence" part in the first sentence).

After breakfast we all routinely hopped in the car and left.

"Routinely hopped" is an...odd image. Remove the "routinely"; from your previous stating that this is a normal morning, the reader can infer that every morning they hop into the car.

Misty was dropped off at the mall with credit card in hand

I'm intrigued and would like to know more.

Actually, I'd like to know a lot more about Misty's relationship with Aphrodite's dad. He hasn't been a presence at all in the story, yet his actions (namely, marrying Misty) play a big role in Aphrodite's life. Why did he marry her? What's their relationship like? From the way you're presenting it, it seems he's kind of a sugar daddy to her. I'd like to see more of that, though, instead of trying to guess from what little you have.

"Hey Aphrodite!"yelled my spastic boyfriend, James

Cut the "spastic"; the reader should be able to know that James is spastic from the way he acts.

I vaguely wondered if he had spent the night on the front lawn of the school waiting for me again

Nice characterization detail--especially the way the narrator so offhandedly says "again". It gives us an indication of both the Aphrodite's character and James's. James is devoted to her (and a bit weird), while Aphrodite resignedly puts up with his antics.

Judging by what little I've seen so far, I really like the way you're writing James and Aphrodite's relationship. It's a fresh breath of air from the "hot, mysterious guy and swooning girl" stereotype that permeates so much YA. I like a sweet couple that's less "romantic" than cute.

He looked hurt and pouted at me.

The "at me" is unnecessary and makes the sentence clunky.

"I have a licence Aphrodite!" He shouted with glee.

No need for the "with glee"; we can infer from the dialogue and his actions that his indeed gleeful.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

Again, the "at him" is unnecessary.

I never would have though that he would get a licence. Let alone a motorcycle one, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

Another nice piece of characterization. ^^

Sorry, I have to get off right now, but will be back with the rest ASAP.

Points: 3584
Reviews: 58

Donate

Thu Aug 06, 2009 5:34 pm

KayKel16 wrote a review...

Hi! (:

I'm going to review you work, but don't just listen to me wait for some people who actually know what they're doing! Please and thank you...Lol.

Apparently her mom had told her that I had killed our pet chiwawa or something because she was completely freaked out by me.

I'm entirely sure that the bolded words is a small dog, a chihuahua? Don't worry, I couldn't spell it either XD

"What the hell?!" I yelled at him. He looked hurt and pouted at me.

I would seperate him and he with a comma instead of a period. Like this:

"I yelled at him, he looked hurt and pouted at me."

i struggled, punching and kicking her, but she gave no reaction

You forgot to capitlize the I.

Other than that it was a great chapter! I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. What a cliff hanger ending of that chapter!

Young Writers Society

Faery Finishing School Chaper 1

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources