Lies begin with truth
Truth begins to bend
Turning from fact to fiction
The lies will never end.
Spinning out of control
Beginning to make no sense
Getting caught in the act
Having no defense.
Beginning to doubt yourself
No ware to run
Lying yet again
Lies are never fun.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! I’m Roon! I’m going to start with nitpicks!
I think you have a nice idea here, but it’s eaten up by your rhyme scheme. Also the lack of punctuation is a little irritating.
I think your tempo, and rhythm are just right, it’s just the rhyme you have to work on.
I think you should also add some imagery to give a deeper understanding of the purpose of the poem.
I think, with a little work, this poem could be amazing. Just try to use more emotive words, imagery, make an impression, let us feel something for the piece.
This was a lovely read, if you ever need another review, please let me know!
~ Roon
Grammar Error : ware = where :]
First Impressions
The first stanza is interesting, the flow is lovely, in my opinion, but the meaning of it gets somewhat lost. I mean, I get it, I get what it's saying, but somehow it's still falling a bit flat. I think that adding proper punctuation would help it have the impact that you're looking for.
Then we move to the second stanza and you lose the reader completely. The wonderful rhythm and interesting play on words you had going in the first stanza is no where to be found, and the entire thing is almost irritating to read. I like the idea of getting caught in the lie and having no defense, I'd love to see you nix the first two lines and expand on the latter. I think that in doing so you could have much more of a punch to it.
The third stanza is very... off. It feels as though you are repeating everything you've already said in the most uninteresting way possible. Also, in the second line "ware" should be "where" but I am sure that it is just a typo. However ending the entire piece with "lies are never fun." is very drab. It holds no punch, and really it's hard for the reader to really *feel* anything from it.
Overall View
The poem feels bare, like a basic outline you jotted down rather than an actual attempt. The base idea for the whole thing "lies are bad" is something that's been done before, now you need to add a new twist to it. Rather than just telling everyone that you think lies are bad, use interesting images and clever metaphors to express the idea in a way that doesn't bore the reader.
Imagery in poetry is essential to creating a piece that holds the impact you intend it to. Simply saying "lies are bad!" holds no substance to the person reading the poem. However, creating an image or a story that shows the reader the negative aspects of lying would be a much more impressive way to tell the reader what *why*.
Basically, take the idea you have here and expand and create something tangible, something that the reader can relate. Build on what you have here, and give us something we can feel with you, rather than telling us what you feel.
Hope this helps,
OverEasy