• Home

Young Writers Society

E - Everyone


by tautik1234

Is this a review?



User avatar
49 Reviews

Points: 661
Reviews: 49

Tue May 04, 2021 2:47 pm
Otterpop wrote a review...

Greetings! Otterpop here, with a review!

So, one thing that I am VERY partial to in writing is a rule called "show, don't tell". It works especially well in fantasy, science fiction, and stories in first person POV, but it's used in many other genres also. For what you've categorized as a science fiction piece, there's an awful lot of telling through exposition and description rather than through action, dialogue, and sensory details.

I also have no idea what point of view you've chosen for the story. I think you were trying to go for third person, but it's hard to tell. Take the excerpt from Chapter 6:

"There were so many footprints near the scanner. The scanner’s door is broken. He was looking at what happened there when the ground started to move down."

The first and third sentences through the use of was, were, and started indicate third person point of view. But the second sentence uses 'is', and is not dialogue, so there is no determined point of view and can be really jarring to switch from a point of view to something that feels more like just writing something that doesn't quite fit with the story. I noticed the switches occur frequently across your short chapters.

That being said, you do seem to have a bit of a barebones start, but I'm thinking you can add much more to the story so that it doesn't feel so fast and forced. Heck, if you expanded and practiced more this could easily be up to a quarter or even a third of an entire novel! It's definitely got potential, but like everyone's writing whether amateur or expert, it's still got a little room to grow.

Keep in mind that I'm not trying to discourage you at all! I always like to help out writers where I can, and I hope some of this feedback.

tautik1234 says...

Hello Otterpop! Thanks for your wonderful, actually this is my first time writing and publishing, So I'm a bit nervous and don't know all the rules. Sure, I will implement the rule which you had told me and I'm planning on a sequel right now. Thanks for your feedback.

User avatar
60 Reviews

Points: 351
Reviews: 60

Mon Apr 19, 2021 7:48 pm
Sunflowerdemon3712 wrote a review...

Hello, Sunflower here of a quick review! : )

So overall I really like this story, it was very good and fun to read! But I do have a couple complaints.
So for starters the prologue was very forced. It didn't flow very well because it felt more like someone just telling you everything. I think it would have worked better if you had just dropped thing like that along later in the story like a character saying something like "you know fossil fuels haven't been used since 2063" instead of it being explicitly told to us.
Another this is that after people talking adding motion will make your story much more vibrant and it won't feel like your characters are just talking heads like changing the sentence from:

The old scientist asked, "Why did you call me sir?". The young scientist replied, "To create a CrossDNA serum." "What? How should it help?" started the old scientist.

, "Why did you call me sir?" The old scientist asked, looking the other up and down. The young scientist shifted in place and replied, "To create a CrossDNA serum." "What? How should it help?"the old scientist asked studying the other now more intently.

scenes flow better if you add motion because otherwise it just people talking at each other and they don't feel as human of real.
Another thing is that there are just huge big blocks of text and it just makes the whole story not flow as freely.

Other than those few things I like the story and the direction that it could go in and I greatly encourage you to keep on writing and have a great day/night! Bye! : )

tautik1234 says...

Hello Sunflower! Thank you for your wonderful review. Sure, I will make sure to add motion into the text and make it a little more free flow.

On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus