Greetings! Otterpop here, with a review!
So, one thing that I am VERY partial to in writing is a rule called "show, don't tell". It works especially well in fantasy, science fiction, and stories in first person POV, but it's used in many other genres also. For what you've categorized as a science fiction piece, there's an awful lot of telling through exposition and description rather than through action, dialogue, and sensory details.
I also have no idea what point of view you've chosen for the story. I think you were trying to go for third person, but it's hard to tell. Take the excerpt from Chapter 6:
"There were so many footprints near the scanner. The scanner’s door is broken. He was looking at what happened there when the ground started to move down."
The first and third sentences through the use of was, were, and started indicate third person point of view. But the second sentence uses 'is', and is not dialogue, so there is no determined point of view and can be really jarring to switch from a point of view to something that feels more like just writing something that doesn't quite fit with the story. I noticed the switches occur frequently across your short chapters.
That being said, you do seem to have a bit of a barebones start, but I'm thinking you can add much more to the story so that it doesn't feel so fast and forced. Heck, if you expanded and practiced more this could easily be up to a quarter or even a third of an entire novel! It's definitely got potential, but like everyone's writing whether amateur or expert, it's still got a little room to grow.
Keep in mind that I'm not trying to discourage you at all! I always like to help out writers where I can, and I hope some of this feedback.
Points: 661
Reviews: 49
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