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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
Hello jordin is here with a review for you and my team.
I hope this helps you out.
First thing first this is very small you should make it a bit smaller but it okay if you ignore me that would be fine.
Second you could re write it like this.
The twinkle in your eyes shine so bright.
And the smile on your face so right.
Your voice so sweet.
And the feel of you beneth me.
At the feel of your touch,
My body is sent into a frenzy.
Well your rimes are... well good nice job with them.
And you miss spelled Beneath.
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jon~
Thank you all for your comments but it isnt finished. I barely even bagain writing it. I wil ltake all you thoughts into consideration.
So I feel like this poem, for how it is set up, is missing the stream of consciousness. Most of the poems that are not in stanzas are stream of consciousness, where you just write whatever is on the speaker's mind.
For what it is, if I treat it like a structured poem, I feel like it is unfinished. You go from talking about romantic love, to seduction, but typically seduction ends After the act and we end up somewhere between romantic love and 'love love' but here we, stop at seduction, so either their relationship is going to fall apart when they don't see it coming because they only had lust and romantic love, or we're missing the reassurance that they are old enough to recognize love for who a person is, really, instead of just their physical aspects like voice, smile, eyes.
Taking the poem as it was supposed to be a new line every caps, the poem would have a very rigid feel that I am not sure I like. It almost seems too structured for such a chaotic thing like love. I would strongly suggest throwing some of that chaos in there. Maybe try to write this poem from a point of view where you are just using stream of consciousness. It will be interesting to see how many different ways you can think to rewrite this.
Love is a hard topic to pull off successfully. It's one of the most preferred things to write about, so The writer has to differentiate them self from the crowd in order to leave a mark on the reader.
I'm not saying this is bad though! I found it quite interesting, but I think you could play with your words a bit.
A lot of the words you use could use some spice. Shine, bright, right, sweet, and twinkle have plenty of synonyms that would be twice as interesting! Some examples would be gleam, illuminate, vivid, candied, scrupulous, etc.
At the quality of your touch, my body awakens into a frenzy.
See how just a change in two words can make it all the more beautiful? I'm not saying you can't use simple words, because simplicity can be beautiful as well :p But with topics like this, we gotta enliven our literary techniques and vocabulary!
my last piece of advice would be to possibly add some imagery. That would help set a solid tone, and draw the readers in! other than that, I don't want to completely pick this apart because it's your poem, and it wants your imagination, not mine c:
I see so much potential! You're a lovely writer and please continue! Have an exceptional day
-housecat
Hi there, tarameagan.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
First of all, you should format this like poetry. You need to break it into lines so it looks more like a poem and less like prose. I'm assuming that your line breaks are at the capitals. If YWS is giving you problems with line breaks, try again. Here's how I'm assuming you want to format it:
Why is this rated 16 ? it's not that graphic.
Now that I've done that, it's time to review the content.
First of all, "beneth" should be "beneath."
And "shine" should be "shines" because "shines" agrees grammatically with "twinkle."
Second of all, most of your language is very cliche and very general. "A twinkle in his eye" "sweet voice" and the idea of someone being sent into a frenzy with one touch are all very old ideas. The problem with love poems is that it is very easy to fall into cliche language because there's so much love poetry, and much of it is describing the relationship between the two people.
So what you must do is bring a fresh take to an old idea.
Use simile and metaphor to support your ideas and show the reader what you mean. Why is this person's voice sweet? How is it sweet? You could say "Your voice is a warm cup of honeyed tea / on a rainy day" or "your voice is the smell of fresh cut grass," or something like that. Find out what something is similar to and compare it. Not only does it make your poem stronger, but it makes it more personal and interesting to read. Support your ideas with images (that goes for the whole poem, not just that line).
This sentence is quite redundant. A twinkle is a shine. To say that a twinkle shines is overkill. Also, I'm pretty sure that the reader can assume that the twinkle is bright. Twinkling eyes generally are bright.
Altogether, find new ways of stating old ideas so it's not something we've read a thousand times. Weave images into your poetry to support your ideas, and make it more personal.
I hope that this review was helpful. Keep writing. =)