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140,653 Literary Works • 673,580 Reviews
Hi, I'm TazmaniaGirl, and I would like to review!
I review differently from other people because I'm not quite sure how to review.
First off, I love the thought that has been put into this. I have read absolutly amazing peices of Poetry in the past, and this is one of them!
I love the detail you have put into it. It's kind of like a REALLY short story.
You've added questions into it ( rhetoricle? I'm not sure how it's spelt).
Overall, this is amazing, and I don't have any bad points apart from " WRITE SOME MORE!!!!!!!!BECAUSE I'D LOVE TO HEAR MORE!".
TazmaniaGirl xx
TazmaniaGirl,
-T
Thanks you for your review and thanks for reading. And Thanks for the sweet review and i will write more because i love to write. Most of my writing is kinda old because i rewrite it a lot and change it so i have a million different copy's of the same poem. As for the question at the end I don't know if its rhetorical or not i just kind of wrote it in it. If you have any suggestions let me know
Hi there, I'm Nargles and hopefully I can give a few words of wisdom.
Firstly it is a nice little poem and has some really good bits to it.
I feel though as if you need to expand on the emotion you have started to create in this piece, this would help with how the readers sees the poem and what they take away from it.
I think that you need to work on the spacing and the lines. Some work well such as
the first two lines work well but the second two don't. You either
a) need to put a fullstop here or
b) make the two lines one.
It would just make it all so much easier to read and the flow better.
I love the last two lines, I think they are beautiful and the way you ask a question at the end is clever and show that you have great potential.
I know that this is short but I'm in a bit of a hurry.
I welcome you to YWS and hope it helps with your writing.
Keep it up and keep writing!!
Nargles xxx
Nargles ,
-T
Thank you for your review and your advice. Thank you for giving me a few pointers on writing it's very much appreciated.
This is a great work.
A couple conventional errors. You spelled "becoming" wrong. But that's fine...
One of my other problems with this is that, the rhythm seems a little bit off.
Overall, it's a great piece and you should continue writing
thank you Sidney.
-T
I like this website because every one here is so supportive and very helpful.
Tarameagen, for the most part, this is a well written poem. My own thoughts is that you've over used your commas or placed them in the wrong place.
These are some suggestions to make it flow better, granted you don't have to take my referrals, but I hope that you think about them.
"Another tear
I shed,"
- Should be read or written in one line.
"Im so sick
of all
My fears
Becomeing true,"
- There are way too many breaks in this one, like the one above, it would be more affective if written in one line, instead of multiple lines.
When it comes to formatting, it would work better if you began the entire poem the same way, like Demoness said. In line 6 you start out with a lower case "of" but because the entire poem has the first letter of the line a capital letter, it would be better to have that "of" capitalized as well.
You've done a good job at wording your poem. You have talent that's waiting to come out, and I hope to see it bloom. Welcome to YWS, I hope you find the tools you need to become an amazing writer through the reviews here.
-Passion
Passion,
-T
Thank you as well.I love getting advice from other writers. I see what you mean on the line breaks and comma's. I will take your advice because you gave it to me. Than you for reading it to. I get kinda shy when it come to my writing. I don't really show people because its not always happy and positive. And people get weird when reading about death and depression. I have been told that I needed help for the way i write so it out my confidence in me and my writing way down. It gotten so low that i stop writing for a very long time and i just recently just started again.
So I thank you again.
Hello there Tara, and Welcome to YWS!
I'm Demoness and I'll be your reviewer today
So, a cute little piece we have here. As far as the rythm and grammar is concerned this was pretty good. Not excellent, but pretty good. I have only a few concerns. One, you have capitalzed every first word on each line except the 8:th one. Secondly, the first word on the 9:th row "Becomeing" should be "Becoming" if spelled correctly but I think here you should consider using the word "Coming" instead. Fears come true, rather than become.
Moving on to the contents. I like the two final lines, there you pose a question and interest the reader but I do not really feel like the previous lines tell the story that adds up to that last message. You should try to inflict more emotion and try to get your message through without saying the words. Try to paint this feeling of dred and depression without actually saying the words. Use metaphors, imagery and scenary!
Hope I could be of help. If you have any questions or would like to discuss this piece further don't hesitate to PM me.
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Demoness,
-T
Thank you for your helping words. I see what you mean with what you said, If you have any thing that will help with my writing please let me know because I'm open to any suggestions you may have... The question at the end i was planing on taking out but it didn't sound right.
Again thank you.