I'll be that girl who'll hold your hand,
Who'll make you smile all day
That girl who'll stand beside you,
And listen to all you say.
I'll be that girl you can turn to,
The girl who'll spend her entire night
The girl who'll pray that you receive,
All the happiness and all the light.
I'll be that girl who'll share your tears,
And clap when you're at your best
I'll stand beside you through it all,
Your shoulder to cry on, your shoulder to rest.
I'll always be that girl to you,
Who'll pick you up when you're down
Who'll spend her days and nights,
Wiping away your frown.
I'll always be that girl to you,
Standing there, waiting for you to see
Waiting for the day when you realise,
That we were meant to be.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
Just a few minor things to point out.
First off is your punctuation. Some places you are clearly missing periods or commas, some places it's more a matter of opinion. Every paragraph has a questionable punctuation mistake though so here's what I would suggest: Write, or imagine, your poem put into normal sentences. No stanzas or lines. Then, check your punctuation. Decide where you are ending and starting sentences, then put everything back how you have it, keeping the new edited punctuation. Also, relating to what I said about sentences, you don't necessary need to capitalize every line, though there's nothing wrong with that so- Never mind, scratch what I just said.
Second off is your flow. Over all, the flow to the poem was very smooth but one lines felt a little off.
The last line is too long. I shouldn't be the one talking, I can't figure out how to fix this, but you seem to be very skilled with this and I'm sure you'll find some way to make it fit. (The last line need to be seven syllables like the second line is)
I loved this poem and I hope to see more work from you! Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Thank you so much for reading and expressing your views on it! I'll try to follow a few of these points with this poem, but thank you for pointing them out! ^_^
Hey, I'll be reviewing your poem, and welcome to YWS!
This is a good first poem to post. The stanza arrangement was neatly organised and simple to follow. I liked the theme of loyalty and reassurance the character has for the other person.
However, I do have some suggestions which may be of help to you.
"I'll be that girl who'll hold your hand,
Who'll make you smile all day
That girl who'll stand beside you,
And listen to all you say."
My main issues were with the punctuation/grammar. I think a full-stop should have been placed after the word, "hand". You repeat the contraction, "Who'll" many times. Perhaps beginning your second line with, *And* as opposed to who'll again. So it reads like so;
*And make you smile all day*.
"The girl who'll spend her entire night"
This line needed a bit of clarity or elaboration. Entire night where? Doing what?
In general I think the rhyme schemed worked sometimes. But it did feel forced at other times which took away from any emotion it could have had.
Overall good job and keep writing! I hope this review was helpful.
--Chips
Thank you, firstly, for reading this, it truly means a lot! I do agree that it needs a little more work but thanks for reading it and adding a review!
Nice one, mate
Thank you!