Published October 3, 2009
could you see what I see
I see things that are not meant to be
close,far I see them a lie
And sometimes I really want to cry
Let them be what i want
Then I'll deny that i lied
About everything in life
That I wanted but didn't admit
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
I like this poem a lot, and I love the feeling of it in all, but there's one thing that is really bugging me. The first half of the poem rhymes, but the second half doesn't. I think you should have a the entire poem rhyming, or not rhyming at all. Besides that I think it's a great poem, and you could definitely keep working on it to add a few more stanzas and make it even better! ^-^
Hmm, nice poem, the emotion is captured well. I think you should make it longer...extend it! I love sad poems like this when they are really long and kind of trap the reader within its walls...
It was really short, to be sure, but I liked it. It really wasn't too descriptive, but thats good. You don't want the reader to be overwhelmed with description. And it was good that it wasn't long, it was just a quick read. It really talked about what the character was seeing, and I liked that. Good job!
Hi there (:
Um, where can I start off? I read this, like, 20 times. And I still don't get it. At all.
First line should be capitalized. Especially since you capitalized all else, but that's another topic.
And if it's a question, it should have a question mark.
Space between the comma and 'far' is needed.
This sentence doesn't make sense grammatically. You'd have to separate the "a lie" from all else to make it work out.
Who is them?
And the 'I's should be capitalized.
Generally, the choice of words is rather boring and there are a lot of repetitions (see, lie etc.) But what mainly bothers me is that I have simply no idea what you wanted to tell me with this poem. I usually like it when things remain hazy and clouded in literature, but this work doesn't even give me an implication or a feeling to begin interpreting with. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you might want to really revise this.
Greetings,
Jackie.