Jose Calderon 20, was sentenced November 1st to up to fifteen years in prison for the death of 11 year old Telson Brown. Prosecutors claimed that Calderon beat up his son several times with his fists, a belt and struck the child’s head against a wall in their apartment in January 2006.
Well, that’s not what happened. That’s not what I saw that night……..
Hopping into bed after a tiring day. Within seconds I was already falling asleep. CHILD ABUSE! First thought that came across my mind. That was when I heard the screams, the cries and the ruthless beats which wounded a girl of my age. Site of occurrence was the window opposite to mine. My shutters were closed but they were soon opened. I peeked through a narrow opening which I made between the curtains. The other apartment’s lights were on and the shutters were wide open. All what could be seen back then was a helpless soul ad a heartless beast. It was impossible to tolerate with the fact that this was a father and that this was his own daughter.
I saw everything with my own eyes. He threatened burning her skin and she kept shouting and screaming to no avail. She had been dragged cruelly by her hair all across the living room to the kitchen. On the way, she was hit into the dining table leaving her with a streaming bleed. It was too painful for me to watch. But that’s just being unfair. It wasn’t me who was being beaten. It was her striving through consistent pain and agony.
As for me, as for any human being who’s mentally healthy, that’s an appraisal of attempted murder causing physical and psychological disturbances to a 14 year old. That’s not some sort of a trivial event. That’s a sick person demoralizing his own daughter. That’s ‘Child Abuse’ .
Could you please tell us Mr. President what are your future plans of enshrining children’s rights against parental abuse? What will your government legislate regarding this critical matter? Who fucking cares about what you’re gonna do concerning our financial and economical state? We need someone laboriously working to stop this massacre and to alter our children’s unfortunate future.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wonderful! I completely understand what you're getting at! They do nothing! That government of ours do nothing except for a few pitiful attempts to right the wrongs by setting up a few organizations!
What I mean is, I feel the depth of your story in a stark and realistic view through the eyes of a witness.
It is truly amazing what a few words can do to a person isn't it? Energize them to fight for the cause or something like that?
Okay, one thing you need to work on is correcting the errors ie. spelling mistakes, grammatical mistakes etc.
You sent your message pretty strong, the quality is so vivid and beautiful but in a way, it's confusing. Your words in each paragraph seem different than before. Completely different characteristics or now it's a flashback of some sort and after, you go on to a speech.
You need to think about structuring your words carefully along the story so the reader can obviously see the transmission from one to the other. And the last paragraph was completely random to me.
"Could you please tell us Mr. President what are your future plans of enshrining children’s rights against parental abuse? What will your government legislate regarding this critical matter? Who fucking cares about what you’re gonna do concerning our financial and economical state? We need someone laboriously working to stop this massacre and to alter our children’s unfortunate future."
This was...unexpected...strong...but unexpected...
And what about the fact up at the top? It was a boy...then it was a girl... Is that a manipulation by the media or something? Then the ages... It was all very vague...
It would help if you could actually tell us if it was prose or a speech or both or something else. Because I'm slightly lost.
(This confusing review is the mirror image of my equally confusing thoughts to this piece.)
But...you've sent out the message clearly!! That's a given!!
Thank you so much for your comment!
I sure will consider the tips u gave me n' put them in mind