i ran as far as i could. it was like death itself chasing me and there was no way to escape it.
i hide behind the nearest tree and prayed that there was no way she could see me.
i was more than aware of the fact that if i had not be so stupid as to ever listen to what Mary-Ann said i would not be facing death.
but it was the price i had to pay for wanting to know about mum.
and now i know it was all a lie. Mary-Ann lied to me....
and the diary mum had wrote confirmed it.
'Ha Ha Ha' came to laughter of evil. i turned my head but saw nothing.
'Ha Ha Ha' it came again. my heart beating so fast it was not easy to hear when the footsteps came up behind me. i turned and stared at the witch like girl in front of me. she smiled and took another step closer.
i froze in my place and didn't dare breath.
'It's all over' she said.
i knew the threat was open and would not be carried out. but it still scared me.
a light flashed and i knew what it meant. i spun round and kicked her, she went flying backwards and hit the big oak tree.
i walked up to her still body then looked down in disgust.
'now.' i said. 'now it's over'
and it was like some thing had changed. but i didn't know if it was a good thing or not.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy well this is quite the start. For starters getting tossed right into the middle of what here looks to be something of a life and death situation is always an exhilarating point to be opening on and I love to see it, but then to also have ourselves this moment where we've got mentions of someone looking for information on their mother really adds some power to this opening because instantly there's just that little bit of extra concern working its way into the mix.
Oooh well there seems to be quite a lot of backstory buried within this particular piece her if the whole idea of lies and this diary are to be believed. I definitely find myself now needing to know all of these details as far as how this person managed to end up in this spot of bother as a result of all of that. The sudden appearance of this evil cackle and a witch of all things only makes this even better here.
Well I did not expect to run into something quite like this here. Wow, you really have managed to pull out quite the twist there. I was giving this person almost no chance of actually making it out without an injury and in the end we actually having them pulling off the victory and with a catch phrase of all things too. That really makes for quite the ending and honestly I really find myself wanting to know about this piece. There seems to be so much in here that we haven't been told yet and I find myself wanting to know every single one of those things.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I didn't check your age, so I don't know if you simply need to take more pride in your writing or if you're just too young to understand all the crazy rules about the English language. But either way, you need to learn to write before you write stories.
Capitalize. Write full sentences. Spell check. All of those things. Learn the rules first and fore-most.
Once you have the rules down, start playing with language. Make it pretty - describe things to us with all five senses. Twigs snapping against the MC's body. The sound of the laughter. The feeling of her heart pounding in her chest. The sound of birds flying away from the chaos.
Then start breaking rules. Short sentences and paragraphs - anything.
But first, learn the rules. Go read stories. Wake up in English class. Read articles. Read read read. But continue to write. Don't post it at first - improve your English before that - but don't get out of the habit of writing.
Good luck. I hope to see more of you one day.
PM me for anything.
(And this does spur my interest. So thumbs up on the creativity.)
~JFW1415
Blink pretty much covered everything, but here are the corrections if you had bothered to take his advice, showing you what would have been fixed, and how it'd look. I achieved this by simply running your story through spell check on Microsoft word. YWS actually has an inbuilt spell-check that you could utilize too.
Also, I notice that you've posted three times, and haven't reviewed anything at all. Did you actually read the rules before you joined up?
---------
I ran as far as I could. It was like death itself was chasing me and there was no way to escape it. I hid behind the nearest tree and prayed that there was no way my pursuer could see me.
I was more than aware of the fact that if I had not been so stupid as to listen to what Mary Ann said, I would not be facing death. But it was the price I had to pay for wanting to know about mother.
And now I know it was all a lie. Mary Ann lied to me. . . And the diary mum had wrote confirmed it.
Ha ha ha, came laughter of evil from behind me. I turned my head but saw nothing. Ha ha ha, mocking, it came again. My heart beat so fast and loud that I didn’t hear the footsteps came up behind me. I turned again and stared at the witch-like girl in front of me. She smiled and took another step closer.
I froze in place and didn't dare breathe.
'It's all over.' she said.
I knew the threat was open and would not be carried out. But it still scared me. A light flashed and I knew what it meant. I spun round and kicked her; she went flying backwards and hit a big oak tree.
I walked up to her still body, and looked down in disgust.
'Now,' I said. 'Now it's over'
---------
Hope this helps,
Jai
Tammy.
Nuuuuuuu. You're slaughtering grammar, and not in a good way. You see, sometimes people will avoid the strict rules - Cormac McCarthy doesn't use dialogue marks, will avoid things like apostrophes and use incorrect spellings - but this is ridiculous. It's like you don't even care, and frankly, readers won't take you seriously because I'm certain you didn't purposely do it for effect.
Did you? Turn on spell-checker now. Anyhow, I'll avoid the grammar and get into the story (most people would walk right now, though):
This doesn't even make sense. Just simple grammar changes would have such a profound impact, and in this case, I would recommend avoiding the "ha"s because it's just a laugh and doesn't work, frankly: "A voice, cackling, twisted around in my head." That's one idea; I think that it just offers a different image through more than words. Just think about what would give the greatest impression on the reader when you write.
Calling something "evil" does nothing for me. What is evil? Is it a cold laugh, one that drifts in a low voice, or that shatters glass like a myriad of witches? Describe things to us, using imagery, imagery that brings to life different senses.
Alright, here are some links for improving your grammar:
Dialogue punctuation.
Using commas.
That should start you off. The thing is, you've actually got something here. While I think this was far too short, the beginning works. There's suspense in there and you're actually quite good at that, but it's cut short by the random "I kicked her dead and it was over, like totally". There's no story here. You've got conflict, suspense, potential - but without fair cohesion on the reader's part, it won't go anywhere.
Conclusion: clean up your grammar and focus on descriptions, then work on building up better plots. And read. Read a lot.
Sorry if this was hash, but I think you can deal with it. Keep writing, anyway! Like I said, the potential's oppressed.
Blinky